The ABC sitcoms are all in reruns tonight, which is the universe’s way of telling you to go to a local pub trivia contest, read a book, hit up your Netflix account, or surf for porn. If none of those choices appeal to you, here are your meager television choices:

Touch (Fox) — Series preview. Kiefer Sutherland stars as a widowed father whose autistic, mute son can predict events through patterns in numbers. The good news? This is a preview episode airing two months before it’s official premiere, which suggests that the network has a lot of faith in it. The bad news? It comes from Tim Kring, the guy behind “Heroes,” so even if it starts strong, it’s likely to fall apart midway through the first season.

CSI (CBS) — It’s Marg Helgenberger’s last episode. Tomorrow, the TV Gods will repossess her plastic surgery.

Royal Pains — Quick! Without looking it up, who was the star of the ill-fated NBC sitcom “Good Morning, Miami”? Mark Feuerstein or Breckin Meyer? And which one was the star of the ill-fated NBC sitcom, “Inside Schwartz”? And is Breckin Meyer the poor man’s Mark Feuerstein or is it the other way around?

Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy: Extreme American Critters (History) — More evidence to support Danger’s thesis that Cable TV is Full of Liars.

Face Off (SyFy) — I had heretofore never heard of this show, but for a reality show, it sounds cool. It’s about a group of prosthetic makeup artists who compete against each other to create prostheses like those found in science fiction and horror films, like the header image above, which is actually a picture of Marg Helgenberger after her plastic surgery has been repossessed.

Ever since That Guy With The Beard left “CSI” two years ago, the show has struggled to reclaim its groove — and its audience. Laurence Fishburne’s two-year stint as Dr. Raymond Langston ended this spring after CBS chose not to renew his contract, opting instead to find a new star for its flagship forensic procedural. That star: Ted Danson.

Danson will play the CSI supervisor for the grave shift after heading the crime lab in Portland. He comes to the team as they are still grappling with the professional and personal fallout from last season’s take-down of serial killer, Nate Haskell [not to mention Justin Bieber -- Ed.]…

The casting of Danson caps off an exhaustive search by CBS to find another star worthy enough to help return some luster to the aging CSI franchise. EW learned that offers went out to actors like Tony Shaloub, Robin Williams and John Lithgow before the studio landed on Danson, who’s been enjoying a career resurgence thanks to a critically-acclaimed run on Damages. He received three Emmy nominations for playing Arthur Frobisher. Danson will remain a series regular on Bored to Death. [EW]

Even though I unfairly used the blackface picture from a hundred years ago, I really do enjoy Danson — particularly on “Bored to Death” — and think he’ll be great in the role. Although, to be honest, the show could have filled its missing beard quotient by hiring Robin Williams, who would grow one overnight to play a serious role.

CBS is truly the perfect network for Warming Glow readers. Because the median age for blog readers is 58, CBS’s lineup of straightforward crime procedurals and unchallenging multicamera sitcoms shot in front of a live studio audience is just like candy for people who are unaware that other channels exist. Like hard, Werther’s original candy.

CBS unveiled its new schedule this morning, with notable time shifts for “CSI” (it moves to Wednesdays) and “The Good Wife” (moving to Sundays). You’ll also see the intriguing new shows in boldface. This list is completely serious and I changed nothing at all. I wouldn’t DARE tamper with anything as serious as new CBS shows.

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A serial killer targeting Craigslist prostitutes has such a sophisticated understanding of investigation techniques that police now suspect the killer may work within a law enforcement agency. The killer — responsible for at least four bodies that turned up on Long Island — made a series of calls to taunt the victims’ families, always from a disposable cellphone in a highly-trafficked public place. In each case, he kept the phone call to less than three minutes to prevent police from pinpointing his location.

A series of taunting phone calls made to the teenage sister of one of the victims… were made from in or around some of the most crowded locations in New York City, including Madison Square Garden and Times Square…

The locations, detectives say, were probably chosen because they allowed the caller to blend into crowds, so that if investigators pinpointed his location from the cellphone’s signal, they would be unable to pick him out of the crowd using any nearby surveillance cameras, one of the people said.

This fact, as well as the killer’s use of disposable cellphones to contact the four victims who have been identified — women in their 20s who advertised their services on Craigslist — suggested to some investigators that the killer was well versed in criminal investigative techniques, gleaned either through personal experience or in some other way, and could even be in law enforcement himself. [NYT via Gizmodo]

Those are only the details the NYPD was willing to release; apparently, there are other aspects to the killer that reflect a “CSI”-like expertise. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is reason #23,742 why “Craigslist hooker” is an ill-advised career -path.

"Must. Maintain. Eye contact!"

I first became aware of Melinda Clarke in her role as the nasty vixen Julie Cooper on “The O.C.” At the time, I read a lot of Television Without Pity recaps of the show, which would always refer to Julie as “Lady Heather,” a reference to her popular dominatrix role on “CSI.” (My favorite episode: Lady Heather’s Box.) According to EW, Clarke will return to “CSI” to reprise that role:

The (one helluva) story: Human pets are at the center of an investigation by the CSI team. Apparently, a murder occurs within a strange offshoot of the dominatrix world in which rich people pay human beings to be their “pets” (gulp). Lady Heather, now Dr. Lady Heather, becomes professionally involved in the case.

Well of course she’s Dr. Lady Heather now. She busted her ass for seven years in dominatrix medical school. Although it might be worth looking into that “Lady” designator. I’ve got a feeling she’s not actually from a noble family.