In what I can only assume is some sort of dastardly, short-selling, funny money scheme to jump start withered libidos, make Viagra unnecessary, and send the entire pharmaceutical industry into a tailspin, “CSI: Miami” is bringing on legendary sex symbols Raquel Welch and Bo Derek for guest spots in the next few weeks. When reached for comment on this news, my grandfather said “Hello? WHAT? Hold on. I can’t hear you. Lemme get the thing. [sound of rustling papers and Rush Limbaugh's voice in the background] Okay. What? Hello?” So, since he wasn’t very helpful, I’ll just blockquote TV Line instead.

TVLine has learned exclusively that the actress and 1960s/70s sex symbol will guest-star on CBS’ Sunday night crime drama as the matriarch of the very powerful Miami family from which Carlos Bernard’s character and thus his son Esteban (Kuno Becker) aka “The Miami Taunter” hail.

Welch’s episode is set to air in early 2012, following a guest appearance by another iconic bombshell, 10‘s Bo Derek (playing the owner of a horse stable, as EW.com reported).

While I’m clearly having some fun with the situation here, there’s no getting around the fact that Raquel Welch and Bo Derek were two of the most attractive women to grace the planet in their primes. And it’s certainly nice to see older actresses getting work, even if it is just a guest spot on a formulaic crime procedural. I can only hope this trend continues, and that thirty years from now I am titillated by the news that Tiffani Thiessen will have a five episode arc as an elderly neighbor in a gritty, urban reimagining of “Glee.”

After the jump, an incredibly weird video I just found of Raquel Welch dancing in some sort of bikini spacesuit.

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Something about the face Charlie Day is making in this screengrab delights me.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Charlie Day hosts. I’m looking forward to this one, guys. Hell, he even makes Maroon 5′s presence in the above picture tolerable. The man is truly a talent.

Chuck/Grimm/Fringe (NBC/FOX, Friday) – For reasons I can’t put my finger on, it makes a lot of sense that these three shows are lumped together on Friday nights. I’ve only seen one episode of “Chuck,” and none of the other two, but in my mind they’re kindred spirits.

Hairy Bikers (History, Friday) – Ew.

LSU vs. Alabama (CBS, Saturday) – Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder what college or coach I would have wanted to play for if I was a big time football recruit. The answer is Les Miles, and it’s not even close. I feel like he would have let me draw up nonsense trick plays in the huddle that featured like four reverses and ended with a lineman hucking the ball 60 yards downfield. That’s all I ask, coach.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) – I’m already incredibly behind on this show. I always intend to get caught up, but then I end up watching football or goofing around on Tumblr. Life is hard, you know?

The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday) – I started watching this show a while back. It’s pretty good. This and other in-depth reviews can be found at www.dangerguerrero.theinternet/tv/unhelpful

CSI: Miami (CBS, Sunday) – From TV Guide: “A masked assassin disrupts a poker game and kills one of the players.” I love that sentence. Like a masked assassin busting into a casino and murdering a poker player at a table WOULDN’T disrupt the game. “Look, I know you’ve got murdering to do, fella. But I’ve got a flush draw. Do it quietly or wait till after the hand.”

Since I like anything that makes fun of David Caruso’s over-acting on “CSI: Miami,” I enjoyed this LEGO version of “CSI” (video below). It’s especially poignant since my best friend growing up was LEGOs. LEGOs and Ken Griffey Jr cards and science fiction books. I was pretty popular.

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Lady Gaga is the biggest pop star in the world and seems to be intent on maintaining her carefully crafted persona, so it would be ridiculous to think that she’d act in a cameo appearance on a crime drama spin-off for old people, but that won’t stop gossip reporters from reporting pointless rumors and hearsay.

“The rumor’s been that Lady Gaga wants to do the show really bad,” CSI: Miami star Eva La Rue told us at the recent Stand Up to Cancer telethon. “I don’t know if we’re going to get her or not, but it would be awesome!” [Marc Malkin]

Of course this won’t happen. However, any talk of “CSI: Miami” makes me break out my “CSI: Miami” cartoon template, and I can’t help but wonder how an episode starring Lady Gaga might begin. Annnnnnd… ACTION!

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TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

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