In what I can only assume is some sort of dastardly, short-selling, funny money scheme to jump start withered libidos, make Viagra unnecessary, and send the entire pharmaceutical industry into a tailspin, “CSI: Miami” is bringing on legendary sex symbols Raquel Welch and Bo Derek for guest spots in the next few weeks. When reached for comment on this news, my grandfather said “Hello? WHAT? Hold on. I can’t hear you. Lemme get the thing. [sound of rustling papers and Rush Limbaugh's voice in the background] Okay. What? Hello?” So, since he wasn’t very helpful, I’ll just blockquote TV Line instead.

TVLine has learned exclusively that the actress and 1960s/70s sex symbol will guest-star on CBS’ Sunday night crime drama as the matriarch of the very powerful Miami family from which Carlos Bernard’s character and thus his son Esteban (Kuno Becker) aka “The Miami Taunter” hail.

Welch’s episode is set to air in early 2012, following a guest appearance by another iconic bombshell, 10‘s Bo Derek (playing the owner of a horse stable, as EW.com reported).

While I’m clearly having some fun with the situation here, there’s no getting around the fact that Raquel Welch and Bo Derek were two of the most attractive women to grace the planet in their primes. And it’s certainly nice to see older actresses getting work, even if it is just a guest spot on a formulaic crime procedural. I can only hope this trend continues, and that thirty years from now I am titillated by the news that Tiffani Thiessen will have a five episode arc as an elderly neighbor in a gritty, urban reimagining of “Glee.”

After the jump, an incredibly weird video I just found of Raquel Welch dancing in some sort of bikini spacesuit.

Something about the face Charlie Day is making in this screengrab delights me.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Charlie Day hosts. I’m looking forward to this one, guys. Hell, he even makes Maroon 5′s presence in the above picture tolerable. The man is truly a talent.

Chuck/Grimm/Fringe (NBC/FOX, Friday) – For reasons I can’t put my finger on, it makes a lot of sense that these three shows are lumped together on Friday nights. I’ve only seen one episode of “Chuck,” and none of the other two, but in my mind they’re kindred spirits.

Hairy Bikers (History, Friday) – Ew.

LSU vs. Alabama (CBS, Saturday) – Sometimes I like to sit back and wonder what college or coach I would have wanted to play for if I was a big time football recruit. The answer is Les Miles, and it’s not even close. I feel like he would have let me draw up nonsense trick plays in the huddle that featured like four reverses and ended with a lineman hucking the ball 60 yards downfield. That’s all I ask, coach.

Boardwalk Empire (HBO, Sunday) – I’m already incredibly behind on this show. I always intend to get caught up, but then I end up watching football or goofing around on Tumblr. Life is hard, you know?

The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday) – I started watching this show a while back. It’s pretty good. This and other in-depth reviews can be found at www.dangerguerrero.theinternet/tv/unhelpful

CSI: Miami (CBS, Sunday) – From TV Guide: “A masked assassin disrupts a poker game and kills one of the players.” I love that sentence. Like a masked assassin busting into a casino and murdering a poker player at a table WOULDN’T disrupt the game. “Look, I know you’ve got murdering to do, fella. But I’ve got a flush draw. Do it quietly or wait till after the hand.”

Since I like anything that makes fun of David Caruso’s over-acting on “CSI: Miami,” I enjoyed this LEGO version of “CSI” (video below). It’s especially poignant since my best friend growing up was LEGOs. LEGOs and Ken Griffey Jr cards and science fiction books. I was pretty popular.

[video by Joe Nicolosi via PopWatch]

Lady Gaga is the biggest pop star in the world and seems to be intent on maintaining her carefully crafted persona, so it would be ridiculous to think that she’d act in a cameo appearance on a crime drama spin-off for old people, but that won’t stop gossip reporters from reporting pointless rumors and hearsay.

“The rumor’s been that Lady Gaga wants to do the show really bad,” CSI: Miami star Eva La Rue told us at the recent Stand Up to Cancer telethon. “I don’t know if we’re going to get her or not, but it would be awesome!” [Marc Malkin]

Of course this won’t happen. However, any talk of “CSI: Miami” makes me break out my “CSI: Miami” cartoon template, and I can’t help but wonder how an episode starring Lady Gaga might begin. Annnnnnd… ACTION!

TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

Drama (per episode)

Hugh Laurie (House) $400,000+
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU) $395,000 (each)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami) $375,000
Marg Helgenberger (CSI) $375,000
Mark Harmon (NCIS) $375,000
Laurence Fishburne (CSI) $350,000
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer) $350,000
Denis Leary (Rescue Me) $350,000
Gary Sinise (CSI: NY ) $275,000
Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy) $250,000
David Boreanaz (Bones) $200,000
Jeffrey Donovan (Burn Notice) $200,000
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife ) $175,000
Dana Delany (Body of Proof ) $150,000
Lauren Graham (Parenthood) $150,000
Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe) $150,000
Jimmy Smits (Outlaw) $150,000
LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Chris O’Donnell (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Mark Feuerstein (Royal Pains) $125,000
Jason Lee (Memphis Beat) $125,000
Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds) $125,000
Tom Selleck (Blue Bloods) $125,000
Michael Weatherly (NCIS) $125,000
Matt Bomer (White Collar) $100,000
Nathan Fillion (Castle) $100,000
Thomas Gibson (Criminal Minds) $100,000
Jon Hamm (Mad Men) $100,000
Cole Hauser (Chase) $100,000
Alex O’Loughlin (Hawaii Five-0) $100,000
Timothy Olyphant (Justified ) $100,000
Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-0) $80,000
Angie Harmon (Rizzoli & Isles) $75,000
Anna Paquin (True Blood) $75,000
Blair Underwood (The Event) $75,000
Zachary Levi (Chuck) $60,000
Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries) $40,000
Shailene Woodley (The Secret Life of the American Teenager) $40,000
Ashley Tisdale (Hellcats) $30,000

Late Night/Talk Syndication (per year)

Oprah Winfrey $315 million
Judge Judy Sheindlin $45 million
David Letterman (The Late Show) $28 million
Jay Leno (The Tonight Show) $25 million
Conan O’Brien (The Conan O’Brien Show) $10 million
Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) $8 million
Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live) $6 million
Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) $3.5 million
George Lopez (Lopez Tonight) $3.5 million

Reality (per year)

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) $15 million
Joel McHale (The Soup) $2 million
Piers Morgan (America’s Got Talent) $2 million
Kate Gosselin (Kate Plus 8) $250,000 per episode
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Jersey Shore) $30,000 per episode

Comedy (per episode)

Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) $1.25 million
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) $550,000
Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) $400,000
Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) $400,000
Tina Fey (30 Rock) $350,000
Jeremy Piven (Entourage) $350,000
Steve Carell (The Office) $297,000
Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men) $250,000
David Duchovny (Californication) $200,000
Kevin Dillon (Entourage) $200,000
Adrian Grenier (Entourage) $200,000
Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly) $180,000
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) $175,000
William Shatner ($#*! My Dad Says) $150,000
David Spade (Rules of Engagement) $150,000
Ed O’Neill (Modern Family) $100,000
Patrick Warburton (Rules of Engagement) $85,000
Betty White (Hot in Cleveland) $75,000
Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Ty Burrell (Modern Family) $50,000
Jane Lynch (Glee) $50,000
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) $40,000
Matthew Morrison (Glee) $30,000
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place) $30,000
Dylan and Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) $20,000 (each)
Rico Rodriguez (Modern Family) $15,000

News (per year)

Matt Lauer (Today)  $16 million +
Katie Couric (CBS) $15 million
Brian Williams (NBC) $12.5 million
Diane Sawyer (ABC) $12 million
Meredith Vieira (Today) $11 million
Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) $10 million
George Stephanopoulos (ABC) $8 million
Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) $7 million
Shepard Smith (Fox News) $7 million
Wolf Blitzer (CNN) $3 million
Christiane Amanpour (ABC) $2 million
Lawrence O’Donnell (MSNBC) $2 million
Eliot Spitzer (CNN) $500,000

Intervention (A&E) — Richard, a crack addict, is tonight’s subject. I got a bunch of pistachios yesterday, and I couldn’t quite decide if pistachios are the heroin, the meth, or the crack of the nut world. I think maybe all three combined. No other nut comes close to the addictive power of pistachios. Except, of course, DEEZ NUTS.

CSI: Miami (CBS) — A soccer mom gets murdered, uncovering a dark family secret (image via).

Chuck (NBC) — Christopher Lloyd guest stars as Chuck’s shrink. Apparently, putting superpower-endowing computer chips inside of a person’s brain may have side effects. Who knew?

The Big Bang Theory (CBS) — Judy Greer guest stars as a famous physicist. That’s okay, Judy — I still respect your for “Arrested Development” and “Archer.” By the way, FX needs to play a lot less Hitman and lot more “Archer” reruns. I don’t want to have to go to Hulu any more than I already do.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — F you, tubby housewives.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — Arianna Huffington and New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz guest star as themselves at a fancy-pants party. Of course, the last time I saw Will Shortz, he was wearing sweat pants and playing ping-pong. I hope he dressed up a little for the role.

One Tree Hill (CW) — What is this show? Is it still on? I thought it was on ABC Family? Was Jessica Biel ever on it?

As noted earlier this week, Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air on Monday. Below is the preview for that episode, and it actually looks pretty entertaining. Between David Caruso’s overacting and Zombie regulars Michael Madsen and Malcolm McDowell, it looks like a decent way to waste an hour. And the preview even has a Rob Zombie song! It’s so, SO close to the vision I created above!

Speaking of which, below the preview I’ve included a video of Horatio Caine highlights set to “More Human Than Human.” Yes, it really does exist. And it was made in 2007, which means that YouTube is awesomely prophetic. Does that mean cats will really learn how to play the keyboard? I hope so.

In a story that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around, horror maven Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air Monday. Co-executive producer Barry O’Brien called the episode, which features Michael Madsen and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, “darker, spookier, scarier, and more dangerous with a lot more edge.” Duh.

A friend of Zombie’s who works on the show had been after the heavy metal rocker and “Devil’s Rejects” director for years to direct an episode, but Zombie’s schedule never allowed for it. When he finally had the time, he was looking forward to the challenge…

Zombie says longtime fans won’t feel like they’re watching a new show, but Zombie fans will recognize his stamp. “In the opening scene, it’ll seem obvious [that I was the director],” said Zombie. “But I wasn’t trying to disrespect the show by disregarding anything they’ve done. I wasn’t trying to turn it into something different.” [NYDN]

In fact, in a WARMING GLOW EXCLUSIVE, I’ve obtained the story board for the opening scene, and I can confirm that Zombie leaves his stamp while keeping the differences tastefully subtle. See below.

We Internet denizens have a lot of fun with Horatio Caine, the “CSI: Miami” investigator played by David Caruso. Anyone who’s ever seen Endless Caruso One-Liners has enjoyed the comedic alchemy that comes from Caruso’s hammy seriousness and Roger Daltrey’s scream.

And it seems that Hollywood is catching on to what’s cool on the Internet. In last night’s episode of “Burn Notice” — which, like Caruso’s “CSI,” takes place in Miami — Sam Axe (played by the legendary Bruce Campbell) awesomely pulled Horatio Caine’s “one-liner + sunglasses” move. And not to pooh-pooh Caruso’s style, but I don’t think there’s anyone in Hollywood who can handle a one-liner as well as Campbell. This might be the coolest thing he’s done since he since he had a chainsaw attached to his severed arm.

“This… is my BOOM STICK!”

BRA. VO. This mutation of the “CSI: Miami” comic meme is the coolest thing I’ve seen all day. And people, I’ve looked at a LOT of dinosaur pictures today. [Chicken Crap via Nerd Salad]

Who should replace Kevin Eubanks on ‘The Tonight Show’? Some interesting, unlikely, and unorthodox choices here. I would’ve gone with an old toaster. [Inside TV]

Must-watch video of the day: Santa Claus versus Coolio on a Bay Area bus. Oh, and the old guy in the video? Yeah, he’s the same guy who got tased at an A’s game last year. [With Leather]

NBC, sucking to the max. On NBC’s Olympic website: tweets from Olympians about how much NBC’s Olympic coverage sucks. That’s a burn. [Deadspin]

‘Woody Harrelson dons a homemade superhero costume and fights crime with a teenaged prostitute.  Also, he’s in a movie.’ Love you, RoboPanda. [Gamma Squad]

Wu-Tang, still badass after all these years. Their new album art is comics-inspired. [Comics Alliance]

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