Intervention (A&E) — Richard, a crack addict, is tonight’s subject. I got a bunch of pistachios yesterday, and I couldn’t quite decide if pistachios are the heroin, the meth, or the crack of the nut world. I think maybe all three combined. No other nut comes close to the addictive power of pistachios. Except, of course, DEEZ NUTS.

CSI: Miami (CBS) — A soccer mom gets murdered, uncovering a dark family secret (image via).

Chuck (NBC) — Christopher Lloyd guest stars as Chuck’s shrink. Apparently, putting superpower-endowing computer chips inside of a person’s brain may have side effects. Who knew?

The Big Bang Theory (CBS) — Judy Greer guest stars as a famous physicist. That’s okay, Judy — I still respect your for “Arrested Development” and “Archer.” By the way, FX needs to play a lot less Hitman and lot more “Archer” reruns. I don’t want to have to go to Hulu any more than I already do.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — F you, tubby housewives.

How I Met Your Mother (CBS) — Arianna Huffington and New York Times crossword editor Will Shortz guest star as themselves at a fancy-pants party. Of course, the last time I saw Will Shortz, he was wearing sweat pants and playing ping-pong. I hope he dressed up a little for the role.

One Tree Hill (CW) — What is this show? Is it still on? I thought it was on ABC Family? Was Jessica Biel ever on it?

As noted earlier this week, Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air on Monday. Below is the preview for that episode, and it actually looks pretty entertaining. Between David Caruso’s overacting and Zombie regulars Michael Madsen and Malcolm McDowell, it looks like a decent way to waste an hour. And the preview even has a Rob Zombie song! It’s so, SO close to the vision I created above!

Speaking of which, below the preview I’ve included a video of Horatio Caine highlights set to “More Human Than Human.” Yes, it really does exist. And it was made in 2007, which means that YouTube is awesomely prophetic. Does that mean cats will really learn how to play the keyboard? I hope so.

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“Oh yeah, I saw Jade. Didn’t sleep for weeks.”

In a story that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around, horror maven Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air Monday. Co-executive producer Barry O’Brien called the episode, which features Michael Madsen and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, “darker, spookier, scarier, and more dangerous with a lot more edge.” Duh.

A friend of Zombie’s who works on the show had been after the heavy metal rocker and “Devil’s Rejects” director for years to direct an episode, but Zombie’s schedule never allowed for it. When he finally had the time, he was looking forward to the challenge…

Zombie says longtime fans won’t feel like they’re watching a new show, but Zombie fans will recognize his stamp. “In the opening scene, it’ll seem obvious [that I was the director],” said Zombie. “But I wasn’t trying to disrespect the show by disregarding anything they’ve done. I wasn’t trying to turn it into something different.” [NYDN]

In fact, in a WARMING GLOW EXCLUSIVE, I’ve obtained the story board for the opening scene, and I can confirm that Zombie leaves his stamp while keeping the differences tastefully subtle. See below.

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We Internet denizens have a lot of fun with Horatio Caine, the “CSI: Miami” investigator played by David Caruso. Anyone who’s ever seen Endless Caruso One-Liners has enjoyed the comedic alchemy that comes from Caruso’s hammy seriousness and Roger Daltrey’s scream.

And it seems that Hollywood is catching on to what’s cool on the Internet. In last night’s episode of “Burn Notice” — which, like Caruso’s “CSI,” takes place in Miami — Sam Axe (played by the legendary Bruce Campbell) awesomely pulled Horatio Caine’s “one-liner + sunglasses” move. And not to pooh-pooh Caruso’s style, but I don’t think there’s anyone in Hollywood who can handle a one-liner as well as Campbell. This might be the coolest thing he’s done since he since he had a chainsaw attached to his severed arm.

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BRA. VO. This mutation of the “CSI: Miami” comic meme is the coolest thing I’ve seen all day. And people, I’ve looked at a LOT of dinosaur pictures today. [Chicken Crap via Nerd Salad]

Who should replace Kevin Eubanks on ‘The Tonight Show’? Some interesting, unlikely, and unorthodox choices here. I would’ve gone with an old toaster. [Inside TV]

Must-watch video of the day: Santa Claus versus Coolio on a Bay Area bus. Oh, and the old guy in the video? Yeah, he’s the same guy who got tased at an A’s game last year. [With Leather]

NBC, sucking to the max. On NBC’s Olympic website: tweets from Olympians about how much NBC’s Olympic coverage sucks. That’s a burn. [Deadspin]

‘Woody Harrelson dons a homemade superhero costume and fights crime with a teenaged prostitute.  Also, he’s in a movie.’ Love you, RoboPanda. [Gamma Squad]

Wu-Tang, still badass after all these years. Their new album art is comics-inspired. [Comics Alliance]

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