“You just sit there and look pretty.”

CSI: NY (CBS) — Danica Patrick guest stars as… a racecar driver! That should really test her range. The episode also features Antonio Sabato Jr. as the racing legend who dies when his car gets tampered with. Somehow that’s not a spoiler for “CSI,” but mention that Hurley eats a cracker in the next episode of “Lost” and you’ll never hear the end of it. “THAT WAS A SYMBOLIC CRACKER, JERK!”

Psych (USA) — In an alternate reality, I might make the time to watch this show, which I hear is surprisingly good. But it’s on USA, which is in my cable blind spot. I can’t even remember to watch “Burn Notice,” and I like “Burn Notice.”

American Idol (Fox) — Ratings were slightly up for last night’s Ellen debut, and the critics are thrilled that she’s not Paula Abdul. Check out this article: ”Wow! You’re sober! Great job!”

Friday Night Lights (101 Network/DirecTV) — Season finale. I’m glad I can stop ignoring this show’s existence on DirecTV and start getting ready for it to be on NBC again.

Man vs. Wild (Discovery) — If you thought Bear and the show’s producers were running out of ideas during last week’s urban episode, just wait until this week’s “special look” behind the scenes. Translation: clip show.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Was anyone else thrown off by the move from Thursday to Wednesday? And can we talk about how much Comedy Central’s move to HD F’d up my DVR? I had to cancel all the series on regular definition and re-record them on the HD channel. (Yes, I’ll be sending that one in to White Whine.)

As soon as CBS announced that the Who would play the Super Bowl halftime show, I had one thought: if they don’t play all three “CSI” theme songs, then I’ve greatly overestimated CBS’s predictability. Well, chalk one up for CBS’s predictability, because the Who is gonna play all three “CSI” theme songs:

“We’re kinda doing a mashup of stuff,” [Pete Townsend] tells Billboard. “A bit of ‘Baba O’Riley’ [CSI: NY], a bit of ‘Pinball Wizard,’ a bit of the close of ‘Tommy,’ a bit of ‘Who Are You,’ [CSI] and a bit of ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again’ [CSI: Miami]. It works — it’s quite a saga. A lot of the stuff that we do has that kind of celebratory vibe about it — we’ve always tried to make music that allows the audience to go a bit wild if they want to. Hopefully it will hit the spot.”

Surprised by the inclusion of “Pinball Wizard”? You shouldn’t be. CBS is working on “CSI: Special Needs Unit” with “Pinball Wizard” as the theme. “That deaf, dumb and blind kid/Sure. Solves. A mean. Mur-der!” Dun-dun. Dun. Dun! DUN!

You ever notice how every law enforcement agency on TV and the movies is able to solve crimes by enhancing grainy footage? Of course you have, because it’s the one thing that every police computer can do that nobody’s personal computer can do. Well, that and find the states where I’m a sex offender. Whatever, I didn’t want to live in Alabama anyway.

That’s why this awesomely edited mash-up from dunk3d is one of the best things I’ve seen all week. The shows listed in the tags don’t even make a complete list of all the shows used in this clip, and it doesn’t even include the handful of movies that made the cut, as well.

There is, however, one glaring omission:

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Here’s a math problem. Emphasis on the word problem. The second spin-off of a show + Kim Kardashian + MTV veejay + other MTV veejay + the band responsible for “Drops of Jupiter” =

[Kardashian and Vanessa Minnillo] will be guest starring in an upcoming episode of CSI: NY along with Minnillo’s former TRL costar LaLa Vasquez and the members of the band Train.

“I am so excited to be working with Vanessa again,” Kardashian says. “I am fascinated by crime scene investigating. I swear, I wish I was a crime scene investigator sometimes!” [People]

Oh yes, I’m so excited to see Kardashian and Minnillo working together again, too! They were so terrific in Disaster Movie! I swear, I wish my fingers were more inclined to gouge out my own eyes sometimes!

I’m sorry, but Ashlee Simpson NAILED her role as a big-time heroin dealer on an upcoming episode of “CSI:NY” (clip via Videogum).  Just check her and Pete Wentz out, rolling around with a brick of uncut, able to glance at a bag of cash and determine that it’s not $80,000 — this is a first-class thespian who deserves to be on-screen more.

Oh hey, good news: Ashlee Simpson’s gonna be on the new Melrose Place:

Multiple sources confirm that singer-songwriter-sometime actress Ashlee Simpson has become the latest tenant of The CW’s refurbished Melrose Place.  The onetime 7th Heaven star will play small-town girl Violet, a character whose disarming naiveté masks the calculating, shrewd sex kitten within.

Good for her.  She’s worked so hard to get everything she has in life.  The rest of us skate our way through college and various graduate schools trying to find traction in a crappy economy, while poor Ashley has had nothing to rely on except her older sister’s fame, excellent plastic surgery, and a tabloid relationship to get where she is.  Bravo, Ashlee.  You deserve it.