House (FOX) – Series finale. There’s an hour-long retrospective with cast interviews and such at 8 p.m., and then the final episode of the long-running medical drama airs at 9. If the people in charge of this show have any kind of sense of humor at all, the whole hour will just be House diagnosing patients with lupus over and over until the credits roll. (Here’s an oral history of the show, if that’s something you’re interested in.)

Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – Part 1 of the two-part season finale. According to my research, the finalists include two people named William Levy and Katherine Jenkins, as well as Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver. I am a great TV blogger.

The Bachelorette (ABC) – I prefer “The Bachelor” to “The Bachelorette” because the female contestants are typically much more fun (read: nutso), but there’s a “watching animals at the zoo” quality to the male contestants that is also pretty enjoyable. One day two bros are literally going to smash their heads together like rams to try to score points with the girl on the show. I guarantee it.

Clash of the Commercials: USA vs. The World (CBS) – Just to be clear: this is a show full of commercials, with even more commercials during the breaks. It is a full hour of non-stop, unadulterated advertising. Somewhere in fictional TV heaven, Don Draper and Roger Sterling are drinking brown liquor, looking down, and smiling.

American Ninja Warrior (NBC) – The most disappointing part of this show for me is the fact that we made it through all of the ’80s and ’90s without using this title for some crappy Dolph Lundren or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. A real wasted opportunity.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kathy Griffin and the new Bachelorette (Emily Maynard) on Kimmel; Lea Michelle and Barry Sonnefeld on Letterman; Jeffrey Dean Morgan on Ferguson; Kevin Costner and Bailee Madison are on Leno, with a performance by Lisa Marie Presley; John Lithgow and Miranda Cosgrove are on Fallon; and Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant, and John Mulaney are on a repeat of Conan.

There’s a lot of TV news floating around right now. There’s Ashley Judd absolutely eviscerating everyone who made jokes about her face being “puffy” (and Lindy West’s excellent take on the whole thing). There’s Kristen Wiig’s will-she-or-won’t-she-leave-SNL lambada. There’s Dr. Phil being a jackass. There’s Melissa Gilbert being rushed to the hospital after her performance on “Dancing with the Stars.” Hell, there’s even Lisa Rinna doing adult diaper commercials for charity.

But all that takes a backseat to this woman. I could fill you all in on the circumstances behind her risking a substantial chunk of money in Final Jeopardy last night and then responding with “Who Ice-T,” but I think it’s better if I just let the picture speak for itself. We’ve all been there.

image via @dhm

Justified (FX) – I could not possibly be more excited about the prospect of a Dickie Bennett/Boyd Crowder collaboration. I hope they talk about their respective hairstyles for a solid 15 minutes of screen time. (NOTE: Tomorrow we have VJ Boyd AND Jon Worley swinging by the discussion thread.)

New Girl (FOX) – “30 Rock’s” Katrina Bowden guest stars as one of the two women Nick is juggling. Related: I hate Nick.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) – Results show. Josh’s post from this morning about Jaleel White snapping at his partner, talking about portaying Stefan Urquelle, and crying after dancing to Babyface is everything I dreamed of when it was announced he would be on the show. (Although “Cougar Town” getting yanked off the air tonight in favor of a “DWTS Encore” is somewhat less exciting.)

The Biggest Loser/The Voice/Fashion Star (NBC) – NBC should put Cee-Lo on all three of these shows.

Tabitha Takes Over (Bravo) – I don’t know who Tabitha is or what she is taking over, but I am just going to assume that this is a reality show about former MTV News reporter Tabitha Soren and her new career as a cutthroat corporate raider who takes control of struggling businesses, lays off thousands of people, then sells off the new leaner company for a tidy profit.

Deadliest Catch (Discovery) – Two hours of highlights from season 7. The ocean is not to be trusted, people.

Chopped (Food Network) – Viewers choose the ingredients the contestants must use in tonight’s episode. How about things that actually go together for once? I’m voting for steak, whiskey, and Die Hard on Blu-Ray.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Edie Falco and Amy Schumer on Kimmel; Ted Danson on Ferguson; Maya Rudolph and Jason Biggs on Leno; Regis Philbin and Rachel Dratch on Fallon; and Mike Tyson and Chris Elliot on Conan

"Maybe we can trade jeans some night, baby."

Late last week, Jaleel White — that sounds weird…Late last week, Urkel “flipped out” at his “Dancing with the Stars” partner, Kym Johnson, because according to Us Magazine, he “accidentally stepped on [her] foot.” Professional dancer Mark Ballas broke up the fight, but not before Urkel yelled, “You remind me of that annoying sitcom neighbor who gets into everyone’s business!” Is he being meta or does he think the Winslow’s house was his, and they were the ones who never left?

Tempers had decreased by last night’s show, where contestants were asked to channel the “single most defining moment in their lives.” Surprisingly, Urkel didn’t go with the time that he thwarted Doctor Robotnik’s rocket from hitting that defenseless space station as Sonic the Hedgehog, but rather:

“Playing Stefan Urquelle was life-changing for me. I was apprehensive about playing Stefan, but the executive producers saw in me the man I hadn’t become yet,” White, who was 19 at the time, told the cameras. “It introduced a new side to me. After I played that character, people started treating me differently. When I played Stefan Urquelle, I showed people there was more to me to offer.”

“I cant even begin to express how personal it was,” White told co-host Brooke Burke Charvet. “That’s my Mickey Mouse moment. Stefan Urquelle, Steve Urkel — that’s my Mickey Mouse.” (Via)

Urkel then danced to Babyface’s “For the Cool in You” and started crying, which might be my favorite sentence ever.

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Justified (FX) – ALERT: In light of last week’s events, the Boyd Crowder Hair Threat Level has been temporarily elevated from “Child Using a Balloon to Produce Static Electricity” to “Cartoon Electrocution.” (NOTE: Writer VJ Boyd will be joining us again for tomorrow’s discussion.)

Dancing With the Stars: The Story So Far (ABC) – Prior to tonight’s episode of “Dancing With the Stars,” ABC is airing this behind-the-scenes special. I guess it makes sense given the show’s popularity, but if we ever invent a time machine, I call dibs on sitting down with TV execs from the 1970s and explaining the concept of an hour-long special about the inner-workings of a show where C-list celebrities compete in a ballroom dancing competition that airs during primetime on a major network.

Raising Hope/New Girl/Breaking In (FOX) – On tonight’s episode of “Raising Hope,” Burt’s candidacy for a position in a church group is at risk unless he can find a replacement seeing eye pig for one of the blind parishioners. That was a fun sentence to type.

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS) – Some friends and I recently had a fun discussion about what show on CBS’s schedule is the most CBS. These two shows were tossed around, as were comedies like “Two and a Half Men” and “2 Broke Girls,” but we decided that “CSI: Miami” was far and away the most CBS show. Feel free to discuss this in the comments.

Con Air (TNT) – I could honestly watch a full-length documentary about Nicolas Cage’s accent in this movie. How he chose it, how long he worked on it, how the other cast members felt about it, what the studio executives thought about it, etc. It’s fascinating that something that terrible got by so many people and into a big-budget Hollywood movie, and I must know more about it.

Storage Wars Texas (A&E) – From TV Guide: “A visit to Lewisville leads to a feud over a player piano.” Jesus, what is this? 1890?

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ashton Kutcher, Justin Bieber, the latest “DWTS” cast-off, and All-American Rejects on Kimmel; Jason Sudeikis on Letterman; Mitt Romney and Megan Hilty on Leno; Shaq and Lily Collins on Fallon; Josh Hutchinson and Simon Pegg on Conan.