Model Joanna Krupa has made “Dancing with the Stars” much easier on the eyes this season, and easier on the eyes gets easiest in December’s issue of Playboy, for which she took off her clothes and got photographed. You may feast your eyes on her body parts here, ya big perv.
Me, I’ll be picking up the issue to read the Nabokov exclusive. Oh man, AND an R. Crumb comic? I hope they don’t mess up that issue with too many breasts! I hate it when that happens.
CORRECTION: Adam Ant. This is still not okay.
Dude. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll try to break this down into simple sentences in order to grasp it better.
Donny Osmond is on “Dancing with the Stars.” He danced a pasa doble to a terrible cover of Dead or Alive’s “You Spin Me Around (Like a Record).” He did this in a nightmarish Michael Jackson costume. This costume included sideburns and lipstick smeared on his face. Michael Jackson did not wear lipstick or have sideburns, that I know of. He also did not have a heart STAMPED ONTO HIS FOREHEAD SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL???? Why? What are you thinking? Where is this a good idea? You’re a human being, you can exercise your free will to NOT look like zombie tranny undead love child of Tim Curry and Michael Jackson while LATOYA CLAPS FOR THIS MONSTROSITY. Am I on peyote again?
Video below. If you’re lucky, the player won’t work.
This clip is showing up all over the Internet, and for good reason: it is AMAZING. It’s a man doing the mambo with his Labrador retriever on Univision’s “Don Francisco Presenta.” And praise the Lord, because the dog is wearing a dress. But it’s not just some sight gag. It’s not like some guy taught his dog to stand on its hind legs and walk in a circle. This is a fully choreographed number with a lift and turns and all sorts of crap that just blows my mind. That bitch is good.
Seriously, Mambo Dog is barely even a real dog. She’s more like a dog character in a Disney straight-to-DVD movie called So You Think You Can Pant. She does things like use the toilet and eat at the table, and she’s voiced by a sassy Sofia Vergara. Watch out, she’s got a fiery Latin temper!
I was doing my best to ignore this story, but it seems like the clip of Jimmy Kimmel owning Melissa Joan Hart on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (see video below) is everywhere, so I feel like I have to add it to the Warming Glow record.
Long story short: Melissa Joan Hart is on “Dancing with the Stars,” and Jimmy cracked a joke about her using witchcraft to advance on the show. Hart bristled at Kimmel bringing up her career as “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” which happened over a decade ago. And Jimmy was all, “BITCH, that’s all you’ve ever done!” I’m paraphrasing, of course. Watch for yourself.
It’s not a party ’til Birthday Dog shows up
Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Word just got out that Polish-born model Joanna Krupa took off all of her clothes and got photographed for a cover spread in December’s Playboy, her second shoot for the magazine. Beats the hell out of Marge Simpson — or anyone who’s been touched by Brett Ratner.
Gossip Girl (CW) — I guess Hilary Duff is still guest-starring? Whatever.
Real Chance of Love (MTV) — Season finale. Frankly, I’d rather watch Animals Are Awesome on loop for an hour. The show will never ever come close to topping that.
Jon and Kate Plus 8 (TLC) — Kate fields viewers’ questions in this one-hour special. “Yeah, hi, Kate? What’s it like to be the biggest bitch on the planet?”
Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Eagles at Redskins. As usual, I’ll be hanging out at the live-blog on KSK. Come for the dick jokes, stay for the screen caps of cheerleaders.
Cake Boss (TLC) — Season premiere. I actually met some of the people who work on this show when they came in to 826NYC one day. They were very nice, and I wish them luck. But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever watch a show about people making f-cking cakes.
As if PETA wasn’t already getting in the way of me enjoying things like the delicious taste of tortured animals and the exhilaration of gambling on a dogfight, now they’re trying to prevent chimpanzees from working in Hollywood. In fact, the Anjelica Huston video above is part of a PETA push that made ABC decide to not use a chimp as a guest judge on “Dancing with the Stars,” which, let’s face it, would have been awesome.
PETA cited concerns about how great apes are separated from their mothers, beaten and shocked in training, and discarded once they become too large to handle safely [much like Michael Jackson - Ed.]…
["DWTS" exec producer Conrad] Green e-mailed PETA to say that he would re-cut Tuesday night’s segment and remove the chimpanzee and he vowed that he will never again use chimpanzees in his productions…
Green aired the segment sans chimp -– having replaced the chimp with a toddler. [LA Times]
I dunno. Toddlers aren’t nearly as funny apes, but I guess I’m okay with it. As long as the toddler was removed from his mother and beaten and shocked during training.
