There’s really not a lot of TV news this afternoon, so I’d like to take this opportunity to say rest in peace to Etta James. The legendary singer passed away today at the age of 73. For anyone like me who grew up with soul and R&B music playing in the house on a steady loop, her songs were a necessary part of the rotation. Few could sing like her while she was alive, and few will be able to sing like her going forward. The lady could wail.

After the jump, I’ve posted a clip of her performing her signature song, “At Last,” on a 2009 episode of “Dancing with the Stars.” Even in her early 70s, she killed it dead. We should just go ahead and retire that song. Ain’t no one gonna do it better.

NCIS (CBS) — “How do you solve a murder when your father is the prime suspect?” Well, you probably are taken off the case, but disregarding the thinnest shred of realism has never stopped “NCIS” before. Robert Wagner guest stars as Michael Weatherly’s father, and only time will tell if Mark Harmon & Co. can help Wagner walk away from murder charges like he did with Natalie Wood.

Rock Stars (Nat Geo) — Series premiere. Another docu-drama in the “danger blue-collar profession” vein, this series follows crews working to stabilize rock faces that threaten to endanger human life below.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Season finale. If Rob Kardashian, who has done nothing noteworthy with his life except be related to sluts, defeats J.R. Martinez, who was burned alive in a Humvee in Iraq while serving his country, it might just be the last straw for me. I may have to quit this job to hunt down and eradicate every member of the Kardashian family.

Workaholics (Comedy Central) — Season finale. The guys plan the coolest Thanksgiving ever: going to party resort Hedonism II.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — The club’s building animosity towards an ever-more-villainous Clay makes me think that his death feels almost TOO inevitable. I feel like Kurt Sutter might be leading us up to a big left turn that leaves Clay alive going into Season 5.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Amy Sedaris on Letterman; Dane Cook on Leno; Dana Delany and David Beckham on Kimmel; Jason Segel on Ferguson; Howie Mandel and Warming Glow Illegal Jailbait Crush™ Chloe Moretz on Fallon. That girl needs to turn 18 with a quickness.

SITE NEWS: Sorry to ditch out a little early, but I’ve got a flight to catch. We’ll be back tomorrow with some features from Josh Kurp and a mostly-full day of posting.

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) – Now that Kristin Cavallari and Elisabetta Canalis have been voted off, I assume viewers of this show will go back to their usual Monday night plans of hiding in the bushes outside fitness centers and throwing ham at yoga instructors.

Terra Nova/House (FOX) – They should do an episode of “House” where the team tries to figure out why I don’t give a crap about “Terra Nova.”

Hart of Dixie (CW) – When this show was announced, I COULD NOT BELIEVE I hadn’t come up with the idea first. A one-hour drama about an attractive young doctor who is taken out of her element and forced to adapt to new surroundings while finding love with a mysterious local? With a title that is a pun based on the lead character’s name? Starring Rachel Bilson from “The O.C.”? That’s pitch is so Danger Guerrero they might as well have had Boyz II Men sing the theme song. Then I looked through all my TV pitches and realized I DID come up with it, just way further south and with a dude in the lead role. Crisis averted.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians (E!) – The TWO HOUR second part of the Kim Kardashian wedding special. People who watch this show should be rounded up and shot out of a cannon two at a time into some sort of… um, poop… slime… canyon. Admittedly I haven’t thought this one through all the way. Don’t worry, I’ll figure it out once I get to Poop Slime Canyon.

Five (Lifetime) – A breast cancer special featuring five short films, including one directed by Jennifer Aniston. Look, I like Jennifer Aniston. I have defended Jennifer Aniston. I support things that raise awareness about cancer prevention. But when most of the country views you as a sad lady who will always be unlucky in love, the phrase “directing a Lifetime special” ain’t helping.

Here’s what I wrote before yesterday’s “Dancing with the Stars” results show:

Chaz Bono was once again in last place, with Nancy Grace clomping along near the bottom as well. But I’d lay my money on Kristin Cavallari getting voted off. Ugh, did you see the way that bitch looked beautiful while dancing with skill and grace? The nerve!

Oh hey guess what happened.

Kristin Cavallari was as shocked and bummed as everyone else to be shown the door on Tuesday night’s elimination episode of Dancing with the Stars. The reality star, 24, scored high marks and praise from the judges in the first three weeks of the ABC smash — nabbing 24 out of 30 points (just 3 points shy of leader Ricki Lake) for her “Crazy in Love” samba with Mark Ballas on Monday’s show.

“I’m really sad,” Cavallari told Us Weekly after the elimination at Ubisoft ‘s launch of Just Dance 3 at The Beverly in West Hollywood. She mused that, perhaps, viewer votes had little do with her actual dancing skills. “It is what it is,” she told Us. “That’s the thing with Dancing with the Stars, you never know,” she said, laughing. “It’s clearly not a dance competition!”

Nicely done, sexually frustrated housewives who let their bodies go after having kids. Way to stick it to the Italian model and beautiful young reality star. They should change the name of the show from “Dancing with the Stars” to “Shame Vendettas.” If I were Hope Solo or Chynna Phillips, I’d skip dance rehearsal this week and just eat cake. Just put on as many pounds as possible.

I don’t watch “Dancing with the Stars.” I’m not emotionally invested in the show. But I believe in honesty and fair competition. If something is billed as a talent show, then the people with the most talent and best performances should fare better than the ones who are overweight and confused and graceless.

But that’s not what “Dancing with the Stars” is. Last night, Italian model/actress Elisabetta Canalis and her partner Val Cherminskiy were the second couple eliminated despite having the third-highest score that week. For the love of God, Cher’s fat tranny daughter/son had the worst score and stayed on the show. That’s inexcusable.

Critics of Canalis were turned off by the fact that she argued with Chreminskiy during rehearsals, but we all know what the real story is: the legions of tubby, jealous housewives who vote for “DWTS” hate attractive women. This happens every goddamn year. Who are you people? Show yourselves. Tell me where you are. I will come to your front door and punch you right in the gunt.

Now THAT is safe for work!

Not that this will help us un-vomit our collective breakfast, but Nancy Grace says that her wardrobe malfunction last night revealed only a pasty, and not the sliced ham hock of a nipple that we all feared.

Grace tells TMZ … “When I got dressed, I was wearing Petals (nipple covers) and an industrial strength bra … my dancing dress also had a bra sewn into it.”

Nancy adds, “I have been judged guilty without a trial … I will go to my grave denying the nip slip.”

Oh no! Nancy Grace has been judged guilty without a trial?!? How unfair. How inconceivable that anyone would do such a thing. Surely she doesn’t deserve that. America, you’re guilty of prosecutorial misconduct! And Nancy should know, she’s an expert on the subject.

Forget hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes: the surest sign that God is pissed at humanity is the brief nipple slip Nancy Grace suffered on “Dancing with the Stars” last night. In the great scheme of things, it could have been worse: ABC cut away almost instantaneously — too fast for your eyes to register what’s happening.

…but not too fast for a blogger to get screencaps. Sorry, folks: the Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. You can’t enjoy that much free porn without occasionally getting a peek at Nancy Grace’s pepperoni nipple. Actually, pepperoni’s not really large enough. Is there another kind of processed meat with a wider diameter? Some sort of meat pancake?

Video below, with images on the following pages. It’s all fairly safe for work, but that makes it no less scarring to your psyche.

You were expecting worse, weren’t you? Last chance to back out: the unedited screencap is on the next slide.

I blame Casey Anthony for this.

“Between her legs, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering, as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.”

Ugh.

It… I can’t… Someone make this image go away. This picture has spawned a mental image of Nancy Grace in the throes of sexual pleasure, and it makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and close my eyes and die. I can only assume that she’s smiling because she’s thinking about Casey Anthony being raped by prison guards.

For those of you with stronger stomachs, you can see more pictures here and video of Grace on “Dancing with the Stars” here. As one Gawker commenter noted, “Wow, 2 cloven-hoofed piano legs attached to a sausage wearing a wig. Thanks!”

(more GIFs here)

Watch out, America: “Dancing with the Stars” just got c*nty. The new cast for Season 13 of ABC’s reality hit has been released, and the judgmental bitch whose venom made Casey Anthony a sympathetic case is one of the contestants. I’m sure people will tune in just to see what it looks like when Grace tries to twist her anger hole into a smile.

The rest of the cast is intriguing as well:

Clockwise from top left:

• Kristin Cavallari, former reality star recently dumped by Bears quarterback Jay Cutler.
• Ron Artest, NBA star and noted head case.
• Ricki Lake, person from a previous decade.
• David Arquette, weird person.
• Chynna Phillips, the hot one in Wilson Phillips.
• Carson Kressley, prominent homosexual.
• Chaz Bono, former woman.
• Hope Solo, brash goalkeeper for the U.S. women’s soccer team and light of my life.
• J.R. Martinez (NOT Seal), “All My Children” actor who was severely burned in a Humvee while serving as an infantryman in Iraq.
• Elisabetta Canalis, Italian actress and George Clooney dump-ee.
• Satan.
• Ron Kardashian, probably a douchebag.

I have to say, I kind of like this cast. With the possible exception of Ricki Lake, there’s no likable fat chick or wholesome dorky idiot that dumpy Midwestern wives are going to gravitate to. And who knows, maybe Ron Artest will flip out and punch Nancy Grace. Now THAT would be worth a season-long suspension.

(cast photo compilation via E!)

Hipster Dogs liked Chelsea Kane better on the Disney Channel

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Season finale. Your finalists are Chelsea Kane, Hines Ward, and Kirstie Alley. This is the first time in my life that I’d be happy for a Pittsburgh Steeler to win something.

The Biggest Loser (NBC) — Season finale. Now THIS is the reality show where Kirstie Alley belongs. The costume that Alley wore at the beginning of the “DWTS” season had to be taken in 38 inches for tonight’s episode. My waist is 31 inches. *shudder * Sorry, I just had a horrible image of being encased inside Kirstie Alley’s body.

Glee (Fox) — Season finale. Shot on location in New York City, in case you forgot about the time that Naya Rivera wore Daisy Dukes around the city.

The Voice (NBC) — I’m putting this in the listings — and not “American Idol” — with the vague hope that it somehow shapes popular opinion.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Brian Collins (Boom Goes the Dynamite) gets a Web Redemption.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Game 4 of Bulls-Heat; Heat lead the series 2-1. Last night I watched the Thunder lose a 15-point lead at home over the course of the final five minutes. It was beautiful.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ewan MacGregor on Letterman; Meredith Vieira and Demetri Martin on Leno; Courteney Cox and Carrot Top (???) on Ferguson; Ed Helms and the Cars on Fallon; Keira Knightley on “The Daily Show”; Topher Grace on Conan; and a big night for Kimmel: the “DWTS” winners, Taylor Lautner, and Britney Spears.