Now THAT is safe for work!

Not that this will help us un-vomit our collective breakfast, but Nancy Grace says that her wardrobe malfunction last night revealed only a pasty, and not the sliced ham hock of a nipple that we all feared.

Grace tells TMZ … “When I got dressed, I was wearing Petals (nipple covers) and an industrial strength bra … my dancing dress also had a bra sewn into it.”

Nancy adds, “I have been judged guilty without a trial … I will go to my grave denying the nip slip.”

Oh no! Nancy Grace has been judged guilty without a trial?!? How unfair. How inconceivable that anyone would do such a thing. Surely she doesn’t deserve that. America, you’re guilty of prosecutorial misconduct! And Nancy should know, she’s an expert on the subject.

Forget hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes: the surest sign that God is pissed at humanity is the brief nipple slip Nancy Grace suffered on “Dancing with the Stars” last night. In the great scheme of things, it could have been worse: ABC cut away almost instantaneously — too fast for your eyes to register what’s happening.

…but not too fast for a blogger to get screencaps. Sorry, folks: the Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. You can’t enjoy that much free porn without occasionally getting a peek at Nancy Grace’s pepperoni nipple. Actually, pepperoni’s not really large enough. Is there another kind of processed meat with a wider diameter? Some sort of meat pancake?

Video below, with images on the following pages. It’s all fairly safe for work, but that makes it no less scarring to your psyche.

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Ugh.

It… I can’t… Someone make this image go away. This picture has spawned a mental image of Nancy Grace in the throes of sexual pleasure, and it makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and close my eyes and die. I can only assume that she’s smiling because she’s thinking about Casey Anthony being raped by prison guards.

For those of you with stronger stomachs, you can see more pictures here and video of Grace on “Dancing with the Stars” here. As one Gawker commenter noted, “Wow, 2 cloven-hoofed piano legs attached to a sausage wearing a wig. Thanks!”

(more GIFs here)

Watch out, America: “Dancing with the Stars” just got c*nty. The new cast for Season 13 of ABC’s reality hit has been released, and the judgmental bitch whose venom made Casey Anthony a sympathetic case is one of the contestants. I’m sure people will tune in just to see what it looks like when Grace tries to twist her anger hole into a smile.

The rest of the cast is intriguing as well:

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Hipster Dogs liked Chelsea Kane better on the Disney Channel

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Season finale. Your finalists are Chelsea Kane, Hines Ward, and Kirstie Alley. This is the first time in my life that I’d be happy for a Pittsburgh Steeler to win something.

The Biggest Loser (NBC) — Season finale. Now THIS is the reality show where Kirstie Alley belongs. The costume that Alley wore at the beginning of the “DWTS” season had to be taken in 38 inches for tonight’s episode. My waist is 31 inches. *shudder * Sorry, I just had a horrible image of being encased inside Kirstie Alley’s body.

Glee (Fox) — Season finale. Shot on location in New York City, in case you forgot about the time that Naya Rivera wore Daisy Dukes around the city.

The Voice (NBC) — I’m putting this in the listings — and not “American Idol” — with the vague hope that it somehow shapes popular opinion.

Tosh.0 (Comedy Central) — Brian Collins (Boom Goes the Dynamite) gets a Web Redemption.

NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Game 4 of Bulls-Heat; Heat lead the series 2-1. Last night I watched the Thunder lose a 15-point lead at home over the course of the final five minutes. It was beautiful.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Ewan MacGregor on Letterman; Meredith Vieira and Demetri Martin on Leno; Courteney Cox and Carrot Top (???) on Ferguson; Ed Helms and the Cars on Fallon; Keira Knightley on “The Daily Show”; Topher Grace on Conan; and a big night for Kimmel: the “DWTS” winners, Taylor Lautner, and Britney Spears.