Here’s what I wrote before yesterday’s “Dancing with the Stars” results show:

Chaz Bono was once again in last place, with Nancy Grace clomping along near the bottom as well. But I’d lay my money on Kristin Cavallari getting voted off. Ugh, did you see the way that bitch looked beautiful while dancing with skill and grace? The nerve!

Oh hey guess what happened.

Kristin Cavallari was as shocked and bummed as everyone else to be shown the door on Tuesday night’s elimination episode of Dancing with the Stars. The reality star, 24, scored high marks and praise from the judges in the first three weeks of the ABC smash — nabbing 24 out of 30 points (just 3 points shy of leader Ricki Lake) for her “Crazy in Love” samba with Mark Ballas on Monday’s show.

“I’m really sad,” Cavallari told Us Weekly after the elimination at Ubisoft ‘s launch of Just Dance 3 at The Beverly in West Hollywood. She mused that, perhaps, viewer votes had little do with her actual dancing skills. “It is what it is,” she told Us. “That’s the thing with Dancing with the Stars, you never know,” she said, laughing. “It’s clearly not a dance competition!”

Nicely done, sexually frustrated housewives who let their bodies go after having kids. Way to stick it to the Italian model and beautiful young reality star. They should change the name of the show from “Dancing with the Stars” to “Shame Vendettas.” If I were Hope Solo or Chynna Phillips, I’d skip dance rehearsal this week and just eat cake. Just put on as many pounds as possible.

I don’t watch “Dancing with the Stars.” I’m not emotionally invested in the show. But I believe in honesty and fair competition. If something is billed as a talent show, then the people with the most talent and best performances should fare better than the ones who are overweight and confused and graceless.

But that’s not what “Dancing with the Stars” is. Last night, Italian model/actress Elisabetta Canalis and her partner Val Cherminskiy were the second couple eliminated despite having the third-highest score that week. For the love of God, Cher’s fat tranny daughter/son had the worst score and stayed on the show. That’s inexcusable.

Critics of Canalis were turned off by the fact that she argued with Chreminskiy during rehearsals, but we all know what the real story is: the legions of tubby, jealous housewives who vote for “DWTS” hate attractive women. This happens every goddamn year. Who are you people? Show yourselves. Tell me where you are. I will come to your front door and punch you right in the gunt.

Now THAT is safe for work!

Not that this will help us un-vomit our collective breakfast, but Nancy Grace says that her wardrobe malfunction last night revealed only a pasty, and not the sliced ham hock of a nipple that we all feared.

Grace tells TMZ … “When I got dressed, I was wearing Petals (nipple covers) and an industrial strength bra … my dancing dress also had a bra sewn into it.”

Nancy adds, “I have been judged guilty without a trial … I will go to my grave denying the nip slip.”

Oh no! Nancy Grace has been judged guilty without a trial?!? How unfair. How inconceivable that anyone would do such a thing. Surely she doesn’t deserve that. America, you’re guilty of prosecutorial misconduct! And Nancy should know, she’s an expert on the subject.

Forget hurricanes and tornadoes and earthquakes: the surest sign that God is pissed at humanity is the brief nipple slip Nancy Grace suffered on “Dancing with the Stars” last night. In the great scheme of things, it could have been worse: ABC cut away almost instantaneously — too fast for your eyes to register what’s happening.

…but not too fast for a blogger to get screencaps. Sorry, folks: the Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away. You can’t enjoy that much free porn without occasionally getting a peek at Nancy Grace’s pepperoni nipple. Actually, pepperoni’s not really large enough. Is there another kind of processed meat with a wider diameter? Some sort of meat pancake?

Video below, with images on the following pages. It’s all fairly safe for work, but that makes it no less scarring to your psyche.

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Ugh.

It… I can’t… Someone make this image go away. This picture has spawned a mental image of Nancy Grace in the throes of sexual pleasure, and it makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and close my eyes and die. I can only assume that she’s smiling because she’s thinking about Casey Anthony being raped by prison guards.

For those of you with stronger stomachs, you can see more pictures here and video of Grace on “Dancing with the Stars” here. As one Gawker commenter noted, “Wow, 2 cloven-hoofed piano legs attached to a sausage wearing a wig. Thanks!”

(more GIFs here)