Pictured here are Ashley Dupre, Heidi Montag, and Danielle Staub, who were photographed with Jake Pavelka in Los Angeles as cameras filmed them earlier this week. The photos sparked rumors that the Four Whores of the Apocalypse would soon ride across a barren TV hellscape with a new reality show, and I’m sad to share the news that the rumors are true. Thanks for nothing, VH1.

Jake Pavelka, Danielle Staub, Heidi Montag and other reality alumni are all going into the food business together for an upcoming series that places some big personalities under heavy pressure, PEOPLE has learned.

“They are revamping a restaurant from the ground up,” says a source on the set of the new reality series, slated to air on VH1. “They started shooting this past weekend.”

Ugh, I loathe these people with every fiber of my being. The only way these moronic jackasses could possibly have a successful restaurant is if they got a nice corner location and called it The Oldest Trade. And instead of a restaurant it was a whorehouse. And even then you’d need to keep Danielle Staub hidden behind something opaque.

Real Unmarried Housewife of New Jersey Danielle Staub — prostitute, coke dealer, kidnapper, snitch, and horrific breast augmentation enthusiast — performed her song “Close to Me” live on PIX11 in New York this morning. You know, I didn’t realize she was trying her hand at a music career. But then, Neville Chamberlain didn’t realize that Hitler was out to conquer the world and create a master Aryan race. We’re all susceptible to ignoring evil.

I’m sorry, it’s unfair to compare this video to the Holocaust. Unfair to the Holocaust.

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Here’s a nice picture of some happy dogs who would love to get a big hug (full version here, thanks to Jordan for sharing). They’re the pleasant part of this post, because the image that goes with this story is Not Safe For Eyes. The fact that part of the image below is blurred actually makes it worse: it gives your brain a little bit of free reign to imagine just how terrible it might be.

Okay, let’s do this. So: you know Danielle Staub? Unmarried woman who’s a “Real Housewife of New Jersey”? Former prostitute and coke dealer? Leaked NSFW pictures of an alleged sex tape? Right. Well, it may surprise you to know that she’s had three breast augmentation surgeries (I know, right? I thought she was 100% natural). And on the last episode of ‘Real Housewives,” Danielle went in to get her tits fixed, because they look like…

(Are you sure you’re ready? Don’t keep reading if you haven’t steeled yourself.)

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I watched about a minute of last night’s “Real Housewives of New Jersey” reunion — long enough to see that the curly-haired table-flipper is now pregnant (Yay, they’re reproducing!).  But I had to turn it off after several cuts to Danielle Staub, because her plastic face and bad boob job were more than my eyes could handle.  However, I will give her credit for basically being the slutty version of a character from Goodfellas.  While we’ve gotten some details of her sordid past before, The Smoking Gun goes over the top with a history of Staub’s criminal activity.  It’s a long read, but every word is delicious.

Staub, once known as Beverly Ann Merrill, was arrested by FBI agents in June 1986 for her role in a kidnapping plot that grew out of a cocaine deal gone bad. According to documents filed in U.S. District Court in Miami, Merrill and Daniel Aguilar, who distributed narcotics for a Colombian drug family, sought to extort a $25,000 ransom from a man whose son they were holding. The captive, Carmen Centolella, was blamed by Merrill and Aguilar for the botched drug deal, which cost them a kilo of cocaine worth about $24,000, according to the below criminal complaint. Merrill and Aguilar were arrested after federal agents traced ransom calls they placed to Centolella’s father. Merrill was busted in a Miami apartment in which agents discovered six kilos of cocaine and about $16,000 in cash. In a subsequent indictment, Merrill was charged with eight felonies, including extortion, cocaine possession, and narcotics conspiracy.

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When we last checked in on “The Real Divorcees and Single Women of New Jersey,” news had broken that black AmEx-toting Danielle Staub was actually a coke-whoring ex-stripper with a sizable criminal record.  Whoops!  Since then, I’ve gone back to pretending this show doesn’t exist, but last night’s season finale — in which the women and their families gathered around for an orchestrated dinner.  From what I understand, Danielle blamed someone for bringing her past to light, then there were some counter-accusations, then Teresa was all, “WHORE! AND OTHER NAMES!” and flipped a table over.  I dunno, whatever.  Read a recap of it here.

In case you can’t get the video to work for you, no worries: Bravo will air a special hour-long “director’s cut” of the dinner fight tomorrow night.  Oh, and Danielle’s two-decades-younger ex-boyfriend says she’s a sex maniac who needs it in public all the time, and he’s considering releasing one or more of their alleged sex tapes.  Thanks buddy, but I prefer to be turned on by watching people have sex.