It’s the end of an era, people.

After 10 seasons and hundreds upon hundreds of cheesy one-liners, CBS has pulled the plug on “CSI: Miami.” I guess you could say … [sunglasses] … it was the cookie-cutterest police procedural ever and its ratings had started to sag so there was really no point in bringing it back. YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (I am not very good at this.)

Any David Caruso fan wanting to bid farewell to Lt. Horatio Caine will have to rely on sweet memories only: The canceled show already aired its last episode for this season on April 8 and will not resume production just to shoot a special series finale.

On Sunday — almost three months after CSI: Miami wrapped production in Los Angeles– CBS announced that the procedural will not return in the fall. [EW]

How does one eulogize a show like “CSI: Miami”? With a dramatic musical sendoff? No, that doesn’t seem appropriate for a show I watched all of five or six times. Maybe with a huge collection of the dramatic one-liners David Caruso delivered right before the theme song? Hmm, not bad, but that’s been done. Maybe I should post that video some hero made of Justin Bieber getting riddled with bullets during his appearance on the show set to the “Mmmm Whatcha Say” song from when Marissa shot Trey on “The O.C.” (spoiler alert)? Definitely getting closer, but still not quite right.

No, I think I’ll just post the most “CSI: Miami” scene of all time. Beyond being an excuse to blow sh-t up on the beach, it works as a metaphor for the show’s entire run: the speeding SUV is the show itself, recklessly racing along with no regard for logic or nuance; the bomb represents growing apathy amongst the audience, slowly ticking down towards destruction; and David Caruso represents … uh, David Caruso, I guess. It works on so many levels.

Read the rest of this entry »

Miracle at the Mine (ABC) — This special edition of “20/20″ will preempt “The Whole Truth,” which will disappoint the zero people who find “The Whole Truth” more interesting than the most compelling news story of the year. (images by nickrad and @killola via The Daily What)

South Park (Comedy Central) — Trey Parker and Matt Stone tackle the growing threat of New Jersey. This should be a good one.

Storm Chasers (Discovery) — Season premiere. It’s like Twister, minus the flying cow and Helen Hunt. I’d call that even.

Cougar Town (ABC) — So Courteney Cox is upset that David Arquette isn’t more mature? Really? Because I think you should probably expect that when you marry DAVID ARQUETTE.

What’s Eating You? (E!) — Series premiere. I wrote about this back in April (the same day I tore my pectoral muscle at the gym, not that you care), and it’s going to be what you’d expect from a reality series about eating disorders on E. I hate to make light of the severity of eating disorders, but I get angry at the stupidity of anorexia and bulimia. If women are going to get body dysmorphia, they should get it from Brazilian girls, not runway models.

Lady Gaga is the biggest pop star in the world and seems to be intent on maintaining her carefully crafted persona, so it would be ridiculous to think that she’d act in a cameo appearance on a crime drama spin-off for old people, but that won’t stop gossip reporters from reporting pointless rumors and hearsay.

“The rumor’s been that Lady Gaga wants to do the show really bad,” CSI: Miami star Eva La Rue told us at the recent Stand Up to Cancer telethon. “I don’t know if we’re going to get her or not, but it would be awesome!” [Marc Malkin]

Of course this won’t happen. However, any talk of “CSI: Miami” makes me break out my “CSI: Miami” cartoon template, and I can’t help but wonder how an episode starring Lady Gaga might begin. Annnnnnd… ACTION!

Read the rest of this entry »

TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

As noted earlier this week, Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air on Monday. Below is the preview for that episode, and it actually looks pretty entertaining. Between David Caruso’s overacting and Zombie regulars Michael Madsen and Malcolm McDowell, it looks like a decent way to waste an hour. And the preview even has a Rob Zombie song! It’s so, SO close to the vision I created above!

Speaking of which, below the preview I’ve included a video of Horatio Caine highlights set to “More Human Than Human.” Yes, it really does exist. And it was made in 2007, which means that YouTube is awesomely prophetic. Does that mean cats will really learn how to play the keyboard? I hope so.

Read the rest of this entry »