Next week, each of the three variants of “CSI” — “CSI: Miami,” “CSI: New York,” and “CSI: Original Flavor” — will take part in a “triple crossover” episode in which Laurence Fishburne goes around to all three cities because a killer has cast the various limbs of slain hookers across those cities. Probably not the most efficient way to kill hookers, but then I’m not an expert. *knowing wink*
The behind-the-scenes promo video below features Fishburne’s narration and some fabulous overacting from Warming Glow muse David Caruso. There’s also a point where Fishburne puts on Caruso’s sunglasses and instantly looks like Morpheus. Well, Morpheus if Morpheus got fat. Anyway, that’s how the Photoshop happened. I guess I could’ve Voltronned it up with some robot lions, but I didn’t want it to look too busy. I’m an artist, you know.
Get a look at this. That image is David Caruso as Horatio Caine before the central character in “CSI: Miami” had his trademark sunglasses (requisite: YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!). As Caruso tells us in the video below, the season premiere will be a flashback to 1997, before the CSI Miami team had assembled, and poor Horatio is just “standing out there in the Everglades, kind of shading my eyes because I don’t wear sunglasses.” Oh my God, a world in which Horatio Caine DOESN’T WEAR SUNGLASSES??!? That’s no way to live!
I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that 95% of the “CSI: Miami’s” appeal is the first two minutes of the show, where the sunglasses are a key component of Caruso’s overacting and the show’s terrible writing. Those sunglasses are where Caruso gets his powers, like Superman with the sun or Patrick Swayze and his mullet. Without Horatio’s sunglasses, you couldn’t use The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” for the opening credits. It would have to be something extra crappy like “Happy Jack.” Oh man, that song sucks on fire.
YES. In this sneak preview of the coming season of “CSI: Miami,” David Caruso breaks out his Serious Acting Chops and WRECKS IT. Look at the pain he feels. Look at his anguish as he talks to his comatose friend (you know, Whatshisface, the Guy Who Might Live or Die). Oh man. I can skip lunch because this video was so delicious and fulfilling.
I’m gonna put it out there: I will PayPal $10 to the first person who rips this video and puts the show’s opening credits at the end of it. David Caruso near tears just isn’t complete without Roger Daltrey’s “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”
UPDATE: Thanks to Chris of Blogs with Balls, we now have the requested video (see below). He has nobly passed on the $10 PayPal gift, but I have to buy him a scotch in Las Vegas next month. He’s tough but fair.
SECOND UPDATE: Chris, you’re fired. Alasdair, you’re hired. Even if your name is Alasdair. The NEW video below is higher quality and has a nice little crescendo before the full YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH that the last one lacked. This is everything I hoped it would be.
Anyone tuned into the Internet knows that xkcd is one of the best webcomics around (presented as evidence: someone is wrong on the Internet and the fruit graph), and their most recent effort is another geek-chic stab at a popular meme, Horatio Caine’s one-liners that begin almost every episode of ‘CSI: Miami.” (YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)
Sorry I don’t have a joke here; I just like to point out whenever the Internet adds something to the canon of David Caruso’s low-brow brilliance, even if it’s just a mathematics pun. I guess I don’t have much else to… add.
I think this “CSI: Miami” cartoon is making me addicted to celebrity death. I joked about it on Saturday, but now it’s starting to get real. I mean, I don’t actually want people to die-die, but I need more of this cartoon in my life. And the celebrity deaths have all been so good that it’s hard not to enjoy the nostalgia of remembering their careers. Plus, David Carradine went out in such awesome style that there HAD to be a CSI cartoon of it.
The trend I’m afraid of is that the deaths are getting younger. Carradine and Ed McMahon were both crazy old, Farrah Fawcett was in her 60s, and Michael Jackson and Billy Mays were 50. Who’s next? The easy money’s on Lohan, but I like Mark-Paul Gosselaar as a longshot. No offense, Mark-Paul. Just a gut feeling.
I honestly believe that variations of this Horatio Caine comic are enough to heal any suffering in America. Look how fast we got over David Carradine. Just imagine if “CSI: Miami” had been on the air in 2001. We totally could have laughed off 9/11. Or maybe not. The point is, David Caruso’s hilarious overacting + The Who = me smiling, no matter what.
After the jump, in our continued tribute to Michael Jackson, is the extended video for “Smooth Criminal.” Pay close attention at the 5:45 mark — as commenter Zack pointed out, Jacko was so ahead of his time that he had cats playing the piano over twenty years before Keyboard Cat made it cool.
