Miracle at the Mine (ABC) — This special edition of “20/20″ will preempt “The Whole Truth,” which will disappoint the zero people who find “The Whole Truth” more interesting than the most compelling news story of the year. (images by nickrad and @killola via The Daily What)

South Park (Comedy Central) — Trey Parker and Matt Stone tackle the growing threat of New Jersey. This should be a good one.

Storm Chasers (Discovery) — Season premiere. It’s like Twister, minus the flying cow and Helen Hunt. I’d call that even.

Cougar Town (ABC) — So Courteney Cox is upset that David Arquette isn’t more mature? Really? Because I think you should probably expect that when you marry DAVID ARQUETTE.

What’s Eating You? (E!) — Series premiere. I wrote about this back in April (the same day I tore my pectoral muscle at the gym, not that you care), and it’s going to be what you’d expect from a reality series about eating disorders on E. I hate to make light of the severity of eating disorders, but I get angry at the stupidity of anorexia and bulimia. If women are going to get body dysmorphia, they should get it from Brazilian girls, not runway models.

Lady Gaga is the biggest pop star in the world and seems to be intent on maintaining her carefully crafted persona, so it would be ridiculous to think that she’d act in a cameo appearance on a crime drama spin-off for old people, but that won’t stop gossip reporters from reporting pointless rumors and hearsay.

“The rumor’s been that Lady Gaga wants to do the show really bad,” CSI: Miami star Eva La Rue told us at the recent Stand Up to Cancer telethon. “I don’t know if we’re going to get her or not, but it would be awesome!” [Marc Malkin]

Of course this won’t happen. However, any talk of “CSI: Miami” makes me break out my “CSI: Miami” cartoon template, and I can’t help but wonder how an episode starring Lady Gaga might begin. Annnnnnd… ACTION!

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TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

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As noted earlier this week, Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air on Monday. Below is the preview for that episode, and it actually looks pretty entertaining. Between David Caruso’s overacting and Zombie regulars Michael Madsen and Malcolm McDowell, it looks like a decent way to waste an hour. And the preview even has a Rob Zombie song! It’s so, SO close to the vision I created above!

Speaking of which, below the preview I’ve included a video of Horatio Caine highlights set to “More Human Than Human.” Yes, it really does exist. And it was made in 2007, which means that YouTube is awesomely prophetic. Does that mean cats will really learn how to play the keyboard? I hope so.

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“Oh yeah, I saw Jade. Didn’t sleep for weeks.”

In a story that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around, horror maven Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air Monday. Co-executive producer Barry O’Brien called the episode, which features Michael Madsen and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, “darker, spookier, scarier, and more dangerous with a lot more edge.” Duh.

A friend of Zombie’s who works on the show had been after the heavy metal rocker and “Devil’s Rejects” director for years to direct an episode, but Zombie’s schedule never allowed for it. When he finally had the time, he was looking forward to the challenge…

Zombie says longtime fans won’t feel like they’re watching a new show, but Zombie fans will recognize his stamp. “In the opening scene, it’ll seem obvious [that I was the director],” said Zombie. “But I wasn’t trying to disrespect the show by disregarding anything they’ve done. I wasn’t trying to turn it into something different.” [NYDN]

In fact, in a WARMING GLOW EXCLUSIVE, I’ve obtained the story board for the opening scene, and I can confirm that Zombie leaves his stamp while keeping the differences tastefully subtle. See below.

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