Miracle at the Mine (ABC) — This special edition of “20/20″ will preempt “The Whole Truth,” which will disappoint the zero people who find “The Whole Truth” more interesting than the most compelling news story of the year. (images by nickrad and @killola via The Daily What)

South Park (Comedy Central) — Trey Parker and Matt Stone tackle the growing threat of New Jersey. This should be a good one.

Storm Chasers (Discovery) — Season premiere. It’s like Twister, minus the flying cow and Helen Hunt. I’d call that even.

Cougar Town (ABC) — So Courteney Cox is upset that David Arquette isn’t more mature? Really? Because I think you should probably expect that when you marry DAVID ARQUETTE.

What’s Eating You? (E!) — Series premiere. I wrote about this back in April (the same day I tore my pectoral muscle at the gym, not that you care), and it’s going to be what you’d expect from a reality series about eating disorders on E. I hate to make light of the severity of eating disorders, but I get angry at the stupidity of anorexia and bulimia. If women are going to get body dysmorphia, they should get it from Brazilian girls, not runway models.

Lady Gaga is the biggest pop star in the world and seems to be intent on maintaining her carefully crafted persona, so it would be ridiculous to think that she’d act in a cameo appearance on a crime drama spin-off for old people, but that won’t stop gossip reporters from reporting pointless rumors and hearsay.

“The rumor’s been that Lady Gaga wants to do the show really bad,” CSI: Miami star Eva La Rue told us at the recent Stand Up to Cancer telethon. “I don’t know if we’re going to get her or not, but it would be awesome!” [Marc Malkin]

Of course this won’t happen. However, any talk of “CSI: Miami” makes me break out my “CSI: Miami” cartoon template, and I can’t help but wonder how an episode starring Lady Gaga might begin. Annnnnnd… ACTION!

TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

Drama (per episode)

Hugh Laurie (House) $400,000+
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU) $395,000 (each)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami) $375,000
Marg Helgenberger (CSI) $375,000
Mark Harmon (NCIS) $375,000
Laurence Fishburne (CSI) $350,000
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer) $350,000
Denis Leary (Rescue Me) $350,000
Gary Sinise (CSI: NY ) $275,000
Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy) $250,000
David Boreanaz (Bones) $200,000
Jeffrey Donovan (Burn Notice) $200,000
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife ) $175,000
Dana Delany (Body of Proof ) $150,000
Lauren Graham (Parenthood) $150,000
Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe) $150,000
Jimmy Smits (Outlaw) $150,000
LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Chris O’Donnell (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Mark Feuerstein (Royal Pains) $125,000
Jason Lee (Memphis Beat) $125,000
Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds) $125,000
Tom Selleck (Blue Bloods) $125,000
Michael Weatherly (NCIS) $125,000
Matt Bomer (White Collar) $100,000
Nathan Fillion (Castle) $100,000
Thomas Gibson (Criminal Minds) $100,000
Jon Hamm (Mad Men) $100,000
Cole Hauser (Chase) $100,000
Alex O’Loughlin (Hawaii Five-0) $100,000
Timothy Olyphant (Justified ) $100,000
Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-0) $80,000
Angie Harmon (Rizzoli & Isles) $75,000
Anna Paquin (True Blood) $75,000
Blair Underwood (The Event) $75,000
Zachary Levi (Chuck) $60,000
Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries) $40,000
Shailene Woodley (The Secret Life of the American Teenager) $40,000
Ashley Tisdale (Hellcats) $30,000

Late Night/Talk Syndication (per year)

Oprah Winfrey $315 million
Judge Judy Sheindlin $45 million
David Letterman (The Late Show) $28 million
Jay Leno (The Tonight Show) $25 million
Conan O’Brien (The Conan O’Brien Show) $10 million
Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) $8 million
Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live) $6 million
Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) $3.5 million
George Lopez (Lopez Tonight) $3.5 million

Reality (per year)

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) $15 million
Joel McHale (The Soup) $2 million
Piers Morgan (America’s Got Talent) $2 million
Kate Gosselin (Kate Plus 8) $250,000 per episode
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Jersey Shore) $30,000 per episode

Comedy (per episode)

Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) $1.25 million
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) $550,000
Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) $400,000
Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) $400,000
Tina Fey (30 Rock) $350,000
Jeremy Piven (Entourage) $350,000
Steve Carell (The Office) $297,000
Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men) $250,000
David Duchovny (Californication) $200,000
Kevin Dillon (Entourage) $200,000
Adrian Grenier (Entourage) $200,000
Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly) $180,000
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) $175,000
William Shatner ($#*! My Dad Says) $150,000
David Spade (Rules of Engagement) $150,000
Ed O’Neill (Modern Family) $100,000
Patrick Warburton (Rules of Engagement) $85,000
Betty White (Hot in Cleveland) $75,000
Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Ty Burrell (Modern Family) $50,000
Jane Lynch (Glee) $50,000
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) $40,000
Matthew Morrison (Glee) $30,000
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place) $30,000
Dylan and Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) $20,000 (each)
Rico Rodriguez (Modern Family) $15,000

News (per year)

Matt Lauer (Today)  $16 million +
Katie Couric (CBS) $15 million
Brian Williams (NBC) $12.5 million
Diane Sawyer (ABC) $12 million
Meredith Vieira (Today) $11 million
Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) $10 million
George Stephanopoulos (ABC) $8 million
Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) $7 million
Shepard Smith (Fox News) $7 million
Wolf Blitzer (CNN) $3 million
Christiane Amanpour (ABC) $2 million
Lawrence O’Donnell (MSNBC) $2 million
Eliot Spitzer (CNN) $500,000

As noted earlier this week, Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air on Monday. Below is the preview for that episode, and it actually looks pretty entertaining. Between David Caruso’s overacting and Zombie regulars Michael Madsen and Malcolm McDowell, it looks like a decent way to waste an hour. And the preview even has a Rob Zombie song! It’s so, SO close to the vision I created above!

Speaking of which, below the preview I’ve included a video of Horatio Caine highlights set to “More Human Than Human.” Yes, it really does exist. And it was made in 2007, which means that YouTube is awesomely prophetic. Does that mean cats will really learn how to play the keyboard? I hope so.

In a story that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around, horror maven Rob Zombie directed the episode of “CSI: Miami” that will air Monday. Co-executive producer Barry O’Brien called the episode, which features Michael Madsen and ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, “darker, spookier, scarier, and more dangerous with a lot more edge.” Duh.

A friend of Zombie’s who works on the show had been after the heavy metal rocker and “Devil’s Rejects” director for years to direct an episode, but Zombie’s schedule never allowed for it. When he finally had the time, he was looking forward to the challenge…

Zombie says longtime fans won’t feel like they’re watching a new show, but Zombie fans will recognize his stamp. “In the opening scene, it’ll seem obvious [that I was the director],” said Zombie. “But I wasn’t trying to disrespect the show by disregarding anything they’ve done. I wasn’t trying to turn it into something different.” [NYDN]

In fact, in a WARMING GLOW EXCLUSIVE, I’ve obtained the story board for the opening scene, and I can confirm that Zombie leaves his stamp while keeping the differences tastefully subtle. See below.

We Internet denizens have a lot of fun with Horatio Caine, the “CSI: Miami” investigator played by David Caruso. Anyone who’s ever seen Endless Caruso One-Liners has enjoyed the comedic alchemy that comes from Caruso’s hammy seriousness and Roger Daltrey’s scream.

And it seems that Hollywood is catching on to what’s cool on the Internet. In last night’s episode of “Burn Notice” — which, like Caruso’s “CSI,” takes place in Miami — Sam Axe (played by the legendary Bruce Campbell) awesomely pulled Horatio Caine’s “one-liner + sunglasses” move. And not to pooh-pooh Caruso’s style, but I don’t think there’s anyone in Hollywood who can handle a one-liner as well as Campbell. This might be the coolest thing he’s done since he since he had a chainsaw attached to his severed arm.

“This… is my BOOM STICK!”

Next week, each of the three variants of “CSI” — “CSI: Miami,” “CSI: New York,” and “CSI: Original Flavor” — will take part in a “triple crossover” episode in which Laurence Fishburne goes around to all three cities because a killer has cast the various limbs of slain hookers across those cities. Probably not the most efficient way to kill hookers, but then I’m not an expert. *knowing wink*

The behind-the-scenes promo video below features Fishburne’s narration and some fabulous overacting from Warming Glow muse David Caruso. There’s also a point where Fishburne puts on Caruso’s sunglasses and instantly looks like Morpheus. Well, Morpheus if Morpheus got fat. Anyway, that’s how the Photoshop happened. I guess I could’ve Voltronned it up with some robot lions, but I didn’t want it to look too busy. I’m an artist, you know.

Get a look at this. That image is David Caruso as Horatio Caine before the central character in “CSI: Miami” had his trademark sunglasses (requisite: YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!!!). As Caruso tells us in the video below, the season premiere will be a flashback to 1997, before the CSI Miami team had assembled, and poor Horatio is just “standing out there in the Everglades, kind of shading my eyes because I don’t wear sunglasses.” Oh my God, a world in which Horatio Caine DOESN’T WEAR SUNGLASSES??!? That’s no way to live!

I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say that 95% of the “CSI: Miami’s” appeal is the first two minutes of the show, where the sunglasses are a key component of Caruso’s overacting and the show’s terrible writing. Those sunglasses are where Caruso gets his powers, like Superman with the sun or Patrick Swayze and his mullet. Without Horatio’s sunglasses, you couldn’t use The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again” for the opening credits. It would have to be something extra crappy like “Happy Jack.” Oh man, that song sucks on fire.

YES. In this sneak preview of the coming season of “CSI: Miami,” David Caruso breaks out his Serious Acting Chops and WRECKS IT. Look at the pain he feels. Look at his anguish as he talks to his comatose friend (you know, Whatshisface, the Guy Who Might Live or Die). Oh man. I can skip lunch because this video was so delicious and fulfilling.

I’m gonna put it out there: I will PayPal $10 to the first person who rips this video and puts the show’s opening credits at the end of it. David Caruso near tears just isn’t complete without Roger Daltrey’s “YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

UPDATE: Thanks to Chris of Blogs with Balls, we now have the requested video (see below). He has nobly passed on the $10 PayPal gift, but I have to buy him a scotch in Las Vegas next month. He’s tough but fair.

SECOND UPDATE: Chris, you’re fired. Alasdair, you’re hired. Even if your name is Alasdair. The NEW video below is higher quality and has a nice little crescendo before the full YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH that the last one lacked. This is everything I hoped it would be.

Anyone tuned into the Internet knows that xkcd is one of the best webcomics around (presented as evidence: someone is wrong on the Internet and the fruit graph), and their most recent effort is another geek-chic stab at a popular meme, Horatio Caine’s one-liners that begin almost every episode of ‘CSI: Miami.”  (YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!)

Sorry I don’t have a joke here; I just like to point out whenever the Internet adds something to the canon of David Caruso’s low-brow brilliance, even if it’s just a mathematics pun.  I guess I don’t have much else to… add.