David Hasselhoff presented an award at last night’s European Music Awards in Berlin, located in the country we can blame for his music career. And since he walked onstage to “Looking for Freedom,” and since he was in the city where the Berlin Wall fell, and maybe because he was wearing a sequined suit, and especially since he was drunk, the Hoff took the opportunity to slur his way through a Cold War history lesson. And let me give this next statement its own all-caps paragraph:
THE. VIDEO. IS. AWESOME.
The level of drunkenness is just truly remarkable. Like, I drink a lot, but when I see this I’m all, “Phew, at least I don’t have a problem.” What a marvelous destructive addiction he has. He knew he had to go on TV, and he didn’t just have a couple of nips of grandfather’s cough syrup to get loose. He probably washed down some horse tranquilizers with a fifth of vodka. I think he’s moved up to a second-round pick in next year’s celebrity death pool.
TMZ is reporting that David Hasselhoff is close to finalizing a deal for a reality show about the Hoff and his two daughters. A similar show called “Meet the Hasselhoffs” already aired in the UK (video above), and you know it’s good because it begins with Hasselhoff saying:
I think people realize that I’m a human being, and that I make the same mistakes that they do.
Oh yes. I make all the same mistakes as Hasselhoff. Who can forget my video for “Hooked on a Feeling”? Or that time I got wasted and my daughter filmed me shirtless and eating a hamburger? Or that time I got drunk, wet the bed, and punched an emergency room doctor? Or the time I took my teenage daughter to an erotic boutique to apologize for being drunk? Or the other four times I got hospitalized for alcohol poisoning? Yes, David Hasselhoff is just like me. Except way drunker. And that’s no easy feat.
David Hasselhoff has once again gotten so drunk that he needed hospitalization, and the details of his London bender are too spectacular and numerous for me to succinctly recount, so please do yourself the favor of reading The Sun’s account (emphasis added):
A source close to the star said: “David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed – ruining two mattresses – and was becoming a real pain for staff.
“His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him – but mistakenly hit the doctor. They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived.”
Hotel guest Maria Weston, 44, told how she saw Hasselhoff swearing in the bar. She said: “He was abusing all the staff, shouting at everyone. We were shocked – you’d think he was just some drunk, not a big star.”
Hasselhoff has been admitted to hospital at least FIVE times for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, five times. Freshmen girls who never drank in high school don’t go to the ER for alcohol poisoning five times. Although it’s nice to see I’m not the only one locking people in the basement when they drink too much. I’m telling you, those freshmen girls were a menace! Someone had to stop them, and I’ll let them out as soon as they sober up. Say, in a month or two.
The preeminent judge on “America’s Got a Nasty Hangover”
According to a report by TMZ, inexplicable TV star David Hasselhoff was so drunk that he was hospitalized last night. Again.
We’ve learned 17-year-old Hayley Hasselhoff — who was at home with David — called her mother Pamela, claiming David was extremely drunk. One of Pamela’s friends called 911, paramedics arrived at the family’s home in Encino and took him to the hospital. We’re told the hospital was supposed to release David Sunday night.
That’s the problem with having kids. They’re always getting in the way of a hard-earned bender. I went and visited my niece this weekend, and I guess she’s pretty cute, but she can’t even make a decent Manhattan. I sometimes wonder what the hell my sister is teaching her. Kid’s gonna be four next year and she’s still adding way too much vermouth.
“America’s Got Talent” has been the ratings king of its time slot, and it’s no wonder when you watch David Hasselhoff perform “Feeling Good.” Because most Americans love stuff that sucks.
Listen, Hoff’s not a bad singer. He’s what I would expect from something that Germany thinks is good. He’s the Scorpions of pop singers. But no one — and I mean absolutely NO ONE — can sing “Feeling Good” besides Nina Simone. Not even Muse, and I friggin’ love Muse. So take a seat, Hoff. I appreciate the dancers in lingerie, now go back to your hamburger.
(Video via Best Week Ever, the requisite all-time classic Hoff music video after the jump)
Sorry, but we had to burn the puppies.
Yesterday in rumor-mongering, Radar Online reported that David Hasselhoff — Germany’s sweetheart, America’s benign tumor — was hospitalized over the weekend for alcohol poisoning when his daughter and ex-wife Pamela Bach checked him in with a .39 blood-alcohol level. Which, if true, exceeds “German drunk” and blazes straight into Irish territory. Slainte!
But not so fast. According to TMZ, this is all an evil plot by Bach to make the Hoff look bad in court. Although how it could make him look worse than his version of Hooked on a Feeling, I have no idea.
[Hasselhoff] was admitted to the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles on Saturday night – with reports claiming he was in a serious condition. [...]
But Hasselhoff’s representatives insist the incident was not serious, revealing the star was quickly discharged and spent Sunday night celebrating his father’s birthday. [source]
What’s real? What’s fake? Truth? Fiction? I don’t know, gentle readers. In these uncertain times, the only solace we can find is in LIFE Magazine photos from decades past. Just look at the Hoff in the ’80s! Hollywood’s Golden Age, that was. Assuming “Golden” means “bad.”
