Now that “Rescue Me” creator Peter Tolan is done honoring New York City firefighters, he’s taken on a project that REALLY matters: writing a script for a “Baywatch” movie.

The Emmy-winning scribe revealed… that he’s just finished penning a movie for Paramount loosely based on the long-running lifeguard drama. Tolan joked that some of his friends had tried to stage an intervention to convince him not to take on the film, which he described as a non-campy comedy in the spirit of Stripes about two young guys who take life-changing jobs on the beach.

Tolan, who said he’s never watched the original series, divulged that new roles had been written for series stars David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, but it’s unclear whether they’ll participate if the movie gets a greenlight. [TV Guide]

Strangely, Pam Anderson has said that she wouldn’t do a “Baywatch” movie, adding “I love it when they keep programmes as just bad TV instead of trying to legitimise stuff and make it current and good.” Hasselhoff, meanwhile, would take the job but would probably just get fired.

David Hasselhoff is a confused old drunk who has no business being in front of a camera, but he has a kind of kitschy charm, so he still gets TV jobs even though he was fired from “America’s Got Talent,” canceled by A&E, and booted off of “Dancing withe the Stars” before The Situation and Margaret Cho. Well, we can now add “Britain’s Got Talent” to that list of failures, because the show has let him go.

The actor is blamed for a dramatic ratings plunge… The Baywatch legend – seen as a major signing by ITV to replace Simon Cowell – often had difficulty understanding contestants’ accents.

A source said: “David was a great booking at the time. We thought he’d bring loads of laughs and warmth but it didn’t work out. He was fun but had no connection with the acts. The panel lacked sparkle and it was reflected in the acts that went through.” [The Sun]

Granted, The Sun is only slightly more reliable for facts than my imagination, but the fact remains: Hasselhoff has been dumped again. I’d guess that he’s only three or four more reality show failures away from TV executives getting the point.

If you ever want a good laugh, check out David Hasselhoff’s IMDb page: 30 years of “The Young and the Restless,” several “Baywatch” variants, and TV movies (who can remember 1998′s Nick Fury: Agent of the Shield?). Until now, the most respectable show featuring the Hoff in a recurring role co-starred a talking car.

But that’s going to change when the Hoff appears in the upcoming season of FX’s “Sons of Anarchy,” the excellent drama about an outlaw motorcycle gang that frequently gets featured in Warming Glow’s Just the Badass Parts.

The former America’s Got Talent judge will play Dondo, a well-endowed former porn star who is now making major coin by producing sleazy girl-on-girl adult films [NICE! --Ed.]. Turns out Dondo was given a major career boost by Luanne (Dendrie Taylor) and gets involved in a little dirty work in her memory. [TV Guide]

It’ll be weird to watch Hasselhoff in something that I’m not making fun of, but that should be offset by my excitement about the possibility of his character suffering a grisly end. The Sons have been in the porn business for two seasons now, and I’m still waiting for someone to get beaten to death with a dildo.

It’s National Ice Cream Week, which means I finally don’t have to feel bad about the half dozen empty Ben & Jerry’s cartons littered around my couch. It also provides the occasion for Del Monte to roll out the Hoffsicle, a raspberry-flavored treat molded to look like David Hasselhoff. The former “Baywatch” and “Knight Rider” star tweeted the inset photo, and the Sun made a news story out of a press release:

[Britain's Got Talent] judge David Hasselhoff shows he’s got stardom licked – after being turned into an ice lolly.

The ex-Baywatch star – named smoothest TV star of 2011 in a poll – was honoured by ice cream company Del Monte with a Raspberry Iced Smoothie.

Ex-Knight Rider star David, 58, said: “The new Hoffsicle ice lolly rocks. Like me, it might take a licking but it keeps on ticking.” [The Sun]

First of all, he didn’t call it an “ice lolly” because that’s the gayest-sounding British term of all time. Second of all, the Hoffsicle does NOT take a licking and keep on ticking. It doesn’t tick at all. You lick it and it gets consumed. That’s kind of the whole point of popsicles.

Video below: Hasselhoff wanders around London and tries to get women to lick him.

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“The Hasselhoffs” debuted with back-to-back episodes on Sunday, and that was enough for A&E to decide that it didn’t want to do that again, as the cable network has pulled the eight remaining episodes from its schedule. The premiere pulled a paltry 700,000 viewers, with the second falling to half a million. Haha, more like CANCELHOFF. Zing.

So why did it fail? Best Week Ever, one of the few outlets bored enough to pay attention to the show, wrote about some of the show’s weaknesses.

The episode begins with what turns about to be the first in a long series of instances involving David Hasselhoff and his two daughters, Taylor and Hayley, yelling and talking over each other.

The “second” episode, which aired immediately after the “first,” shows the younger daughter moving back in to the Hasselhoff house after she was already living in the house during the “first” episode. So unless this is a show about some very subtle Hasselhoff time travel, they are already off to a terrible, terrible start.

They’re not kidding about the yelling, either. Check out the clips below — it’s just a cacophony of incoherent people shouting over each for no reason. It would have been a much better idea to just give the Hoff a handle of El Chico and follow him around with a camera crew.

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