Now that “Rescue Me” creator Peter Tolan is done honoring New York City firefighters, he’s taken on a project that REALLY matters: writing a script for a “Baywatch” movie.

The Emmy-winning scribe revealed… that he’s just finished penning a movie for Paramount loosely based on the long-running lifeguard drama. Tolan joked that some of his friends had tried to stage an intervention to convince him not to take on the film, which he described as a non-campy comedy in the spirit of Stripes about two young guys who take life-changing jobs on the beach.

Tolan, who said he’s never watched the original series, divulged that new roles had been written for series stars David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson, but it’s unclear whether they’ll participate if the movie gets a greenlight. [TV Guide]

Strangely, Pam Anderson has said that she wouldn’t do a “Baywatch” movie, adding “I love it when they keep programmes as just bad TV instead of trying to legitimise stuff and make it current and good.” Hasselhoff, meanwhile, would take the job but would probably just get fired.

David Hasselhoff is a confused old drunk who has no business being in front of a camera, but he has a kind of kitschy charm, so he still gets TV jobs even though he was fired from “America’s Got Talent,” canceled by A&E, and booted off of “Dancing withe the Stars” before The Situation and Margaret Cho. Well, we can now add “Britain’s Got Talent” to that list of failures, because the show has let him go.

The actor is blamed for a dramatic ratings plunge… The Baywatch legend – seen as a major signing by ITV to replace Simon Cowell – often had difficulty understanding contestants’ accents.

A source said: “David was a great booking at the time. We thought he’d bring loads of laughs and warmth but it didn’t work out. He was fun but had no connection with the acts. The panel lacked sparkle and it was reflected in the acts that went through.” [The Sun]

Granted, The Sun is only slightly more reliable for facts than my imagination, but the fact remains: Hasselhoff has been dumped again. I’d guess that he’s only three or four more reality show failures away from TV executives getting the point.

If you ever want a good laugh, check out David Hasselhoff’s IMDb page: 30 years of “The Young and the Restless,” several “Baywatch” variants, and TV movies (who can remember 1998′s Nick Fury: Agent of the Shield?). Until now, the most respectable show featuring the Hoff in a recurring role co-starred a talking car.

But that’s going to change when the Hoff appears in the upcoming season of FX’s “Sons of Anarchy,” the excellent drama about an outlaw motorcycle gang that frequently gets featured in Warming Glow’s Just the Badass Parts.

The former America’s Got Talent judge will play Dondo, a well-endowed former porn star who is now making major coin by producing sleazy girl-on-girl adult films [NICE! --Ed.]. Turns out Dondo was given a major career boost by Luanne (Dendrie Taylor) and gets involved in a little dirty work in her memory. [TV Guide]

It’ll be weird to watch Hasselhoff in something that I’m not making fun of, but that should be offset by my excitement about the possibility of his character suffering a grisly end. The Sons have been in the porn business for two seasons now, and I’m still waiting for someone to get beaten to death with a dildo.

It’s National Ice Cream Week, which means I finally don’t have to feel bad about the half dozen empty Ben & Jerry’s cartons littered around my couch. It also provides the occasion for Del Monte to roll out the Hoffsicle, a raspberry-flavored treat molded to look like David Hasselhoff. The former “Baywatch” and “Knight Rider” star tweeted the inset photo, and the Sun made a news story out of a press release:

[Britain's Got Talent] judge David Hasselhoff shows he’s got stardom licked – after being turned into an ice lolly.

The ex-Baywatch star – named smoothest TV star of 2011 in a poll – was honoured by ice cream company Del Monte with a Raspberry Iced Smoothie.

Ex-Knight Rider star David, 58, said: “The new Hoffsicle ice lolly rocks. Like me, it might take a licking but it keeps on ticking.” [The Sun]

First of all, he didn’t call it an “ice lolly” because that’s the gayest-sounding British term of all time. Second of all, the Hoffsicle does NOT take a licking and keep on ticking. It doesn’t tick at all. You lick it and it gets consumed. That’s kind of the whole point of popsicles.

Video below: Hasselhoff wanders around London and tries to get women to lick him.

“The Hasselhoffs” debuted with back-to-back episodes on Sunday, and that was enough for A&E to decide that it didn’t want to do that again, as the cable network has pulled the eight remaining episodes from its schedule. The premiere pulled a paltry 700,000 viewers, with the second falling to half a million. Haha, more like CANCELHOFF. Zing.

So why did it fail? Best Week Ever, one of the few outlets bored enough to pay attention to the show, wrote about some of the show’s weaknesses.

The episode begins with what turns about to be the first in a long series of instances involving David Hasselhoff and his two daughters, Taylor and Hayley, yelling and talking over each other.

The “second” episode, which aired immediately after the “first,” shows the younger daughter moving back in to the Hasselhoff house after she was already living in the house during the “first” episode. So unless this is a show about some very subtle Hasselhoff time travel, they are already off to a terrible, terrible start.

They’re not kidding about the yelling, either. Check out the clips below — it’s just a cacophony of incoherent people shouting over each for no reason. It would have been a much better idea to just give the Hoff a handle of El Chico and follow him around with a camera crew.

A surprising result in last night’s “Dancing with the Stars”: David Hasselhoff was voted off the show. In Monday’s episode, Margaret Cho and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino got the lowest scores from the judges (15 out of 30), but America’s message last night was clear: Don’t Hassle Us with the Hoff.

Comedian Margaret Cho, can we all agree, was the person who should have gone home after she combined bad waltzing and a bad joke on Monday and wound up looking, as [host Tom] Bergeron critiqued, like Liberace’s shower curtain.

Backstage after the performance, Cho worried the dancing was OK but “it’s just that they didn’t think the jokes were funny.” [Moraes]

Why the realization now, Margaret Cho? Why not ten years ago?

Also, as I went through Tumblr this morning, this was my favorite post about “Dancing with the Stars”:

My mom: David Hasselhoff is gone.
Me: HE DIED?!
Mom: No, he got kicked off.
Me: …
Mom: Dancing With The Stars.
Me: Ohhh, I thought he died. Haha.

There’s good news and bad news. Good news is that tomorrow marks the beginning of September and the new fall television season. Bad news is that it’s still August, which means that the biggest story today is the new “Dancing with the Stars” cast. I know, I don’t care, either. Just bear with me and read these quotes from head of casting Deana Katz:

“It’s like putting together the most bizarre and yet entertaining kind of dinner party,” Katz said of the casting process. “I make a jigsaw puzzle of including something for everybody. And what I think works best is, let’s say you watch because you love David Hasselhoff and you have no idea who Margaret Cho is — what I love is this idea that you go in watching The Hoff but you then fall in love with Margaret.”

Lady, stop right there. No one but NO ONE falls in love with Margaret Cho.

This cast, said Katz, is her “dream team.” Since the show launched in 2005, she said she’s been “stalking” Hasselhoff and Grey to be a part of it every season. But they both had prior commitments and reservations about joining.

And by “commitments and reservations” they mean “reservations.” The only things Hasselhoff has been committed to since 2005 are Night Train and the emergency room for alcohol poisoning.

(image via theduty)

Comedy Central aired its roast of David Hasselhoff last night, and it was predictably cruel and tasteless, so of course I loved it. Seth MacFarlane proved a capable roast master (and easy target), and the usual suspects of mean-spirited comedy were all there: Jeffrey Ross, Whitney Cummings, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, Gilbert Gottfried. And there was also a slew of Hollywood washouts up there to provide additional cannon fodder: Pamela Anderson, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer.

I don’t have the time or patience for a full recap, but last night I’d've said that the three best performances (in order) were Greg Giraldo, Whitney Cummings, and Lisa Lampanelli. But now that I’ve slept on it, I don’t remember why I thought Giraldo and Cummings were so good, whereas Lampanelli and Gottfried both had far more memorable moments. I guess I should blame getting drunk for that valuable insight.

Anyway, the Examiner has a delightful list of the most offensive jokes told at the roast, and Gawker TV has the full video of Lampanelli’s bombastic set (to Pam Anderson: “You’ve had more surgeries than Roger Ebert”), but presents it with the headline “Did Lisa Lampanelli Go Too Far?” Surprisingly, that headline was written by someone with a man’s name, not Bitchface McPantywaist.

More clips below.

Here’s Lampanelli on Hulk Hogan. Given the especially nasty nature of Hogan’s divorce, I thought these were some of the most brutal jokes of the night.

Giraldo on Lampanelli: “I’ve never seen a circus bear in a pantsuit before.” Not as good as the slave ship joke told by Gottfried, but still pretty good.

I'm sorry, we had to burn the puppies.

David Hasselhoff has agreed to be the subject of Comedy Central’s next roast, which will tape this summer and air on August 15th. Jeffrey Ross could do this one in his sleep. From the press release:

“I’m honored that COMEDY CENTRAL is going to get ‘Hoff’ on me,” said David Hasselhoff. “I have always been a major fan of Roasts, dating back to the days of the ‘Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.’ Laughter is the best medicine. Bring it on! I’m ready to take the heat.”

And by “heat,” of course, he means “Prairie Fires.” Or possibly Flaming Dr. Peppers. Or a bottle of Hot Damn! The point is, he’s ready to be roasted, because he’s not gonna remember it anyway.

Every couple of months, David Hasselfhoff gets hospitalized for drinking, and I need to break out the David-Hasselhoff-slinging-booze Photoshop here — to the point that I’m surprised there isn’t an actual photo that looks just like it (For the record, I prefer the Cinco de Mayo variant).

So guess what, everybody? David Hasselhoff got hospitalized again after his 17-year-old daughter Hayley drove him to the ER. Is he okay? Was it booze? Well, RadarOnline‘s not NOT saying it was booze, but… it was totally booze:

The former America’s Got Talent judge has battled a severe alcohol problem for years and been hospitalized more than five times for binge drinking-related problems within the past five years…

Hasselhoff had been drinking alcohol for three days before being hospitalized Sunday, the source said.

The star has continued to deny his drinking problem. “I’m sure he’ll try to deny it this time, too,” the source said. “And that’s sad, because it’s his daughter who is suffering when she has to take care of him after a bender.” [...]

Hasselhoff’s booze benders have become legendary — and an open secret in Hollywood despite lawyers and publicists regularly covering up for him.

Wait, an “open” secret? An open secret means that it’s actually a secret to some people. Hold up, let me put this one into the Google machine:

Dude, getting hospitalized for drinking is something only college freshmen should do. Time for rehab. Just please not “Celebrity Rehab.”