A surprising result in last night’s “Dancing with the Stars”: David Hasselhoff was voted off the show. In Monday’s episode, Margaret Cho and Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino got the lowest scores from the judges (15 out of 30), but America’s message last night was clear: Don’t Hassle Us with the Hoff.

Comedian Margaret Cho, can we all agree, was the person who should have gone home after she combined bad waltzing and a bad joke on Monday and wound up looking, as [host Tom] Bergeron critiqued, like Liberace’s shower curtain.

Backstage after the performance, Cho worried the dancing was OK but “it’s just that they didn’t think the jokes were funny.” [Moraes]

Why the realization now, Margaret Cho? Why not ten years ago?

Also, as I went through Tumblr this morning, this was my favorite post about “Dancing with the Stars”:

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There’s good news and bad news. Good news is that tomorrow marks the beginning of September and the new fall television season. Bad news is that it’s still August, which means that the biggest story today is the new “Dancing with the Stars” cast. I know, I don’t care, either. Just bear with me and read these quotes from head of casting Deana Katz:

“It’s like putting together the most bizarre and yet entertaining kind of dinner party,” Katz said of the casting process. “I make a jigsaw puzzle of including something for everybody. And what I think works best is, let’s say you watch because you love David Hasselhoff and you have no idea who Margaret Cho is — what I love is this idea that you go in watching The Hoff but you then fall in love with Margaret.”

Lady, stop right there. No one but NO ONE falls in love with Margaret Cho.

This cast, said Katz, is her “dream team.” Since the show launched in 2005, she said she’s been “stalking” Hasselhoff and Grey to be a part of it every season. But they both had prior commitments and reservations about joining.

And by “commitments and reservations” they mean “reservations.” The only things Hasselhoff has been committed to since 2005 are Night Train and the emergency room for alcohol poisoning.

(image via theduty)

Comedy Central aired its roast of David Hasselhoff last night, and it was predictably cruel and tasteless, so of course I loved it. Seth MacFarlane proved a capable roast master (and easy target), and the usual suspects of mean-spirited comedy were all there: Jeffrey Ross, Whitney Cummings, Greg Giraldo, Lisa Lampanelli, Gilbert Gottfried. And there was also a slew of Hollywood washouts up there to provide additional cannon fodder: Pamela Anderson, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer.

I don’t have the time or patience for a full recap, but last night I’d've said that the three best performances (in order) were Greg Giraldo, Whitney Cummings, and Lisa Lampanelli. But now that I’ve slept on it, I don’t remember why I thought Giraldo and Cummings were so good, whereas Lampanelli and Gottfried both had far more memorable moments. I guess I should blame getting drunk for that valuable insight.

Anyway, the Examiner has a delightful list of the most offensive jokes told at the roast, and Gawker TV has the full video of Lampanelli’s bombastic set (to Pam Anderson: “You’ve had more surgeries than Roger Ebert”), but presents it with the headline “Did Lisa Lampanelli Go Too Far?” Surprisingly, that headline was written by someone with a man’s name, not Bitchface McPantywaist.

More clips below.

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I'm sorry, we had to burn the puppies.

David Hasselhoff has agreed to be the subject of Comedy Central’s next roast, which will tape this summer and air on August 15th. Jeffrey Ross could do this one in his sleep. From the press release:

“I’m honored that COMEDY CENTRAL is going to get ‘Hoff’ on me,” said David Hasselhoff. “I have always been a major fan of Roasts, dating back to the days of the ‘Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.’ Laughter is the best medicine. Bring it on! I’m ready to take the heat.”

And by “heat,” of course, he means “Prairie Fires.” Or possibly Flaming Dr. Peppers. Or a bottle of Hot Damn! The point is, he’s ready to be roasted, because he’s not gonna remember it anyway.

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Every couple of months, David Hasselfhoff gets hospitalized for drinking, and I need to break out the David-Hasselhoff-slinging-booze Photoshop here — to the point that I’m surprised there isn’t an actual photo that looks just like it (For the record, I prefer the Cinco de Mayo variant).

So guess what, everybody? David Hasselhoff got hospitalized again after his 17-year-old daughter Hayley drove him to the ER. Is he okay? Was it booze? Well, RadarOnline‘s not NOT saying it was booze, but… it was totally booze:

The former America’s Got Talent judge has battled a severe alcohol problem for years and been hospitalized more than five times for binge drinking-related problems within the past five years…

Hasselhoff had been drinking alcohol for three days before being hospitalized Sunday, the source said.

The star has continued to deny his drinking problem. “I’m sure he’ll try to deny it this time, too,” the source said. “And that’s sad, because it’s his daughter who is suffering when she has to take care of him after a bender.” [...]

Hasselhoff’s booze benders have become legendary — and an open secret in Hollywood despite lawyers and publicists regularly covering up for him.

Wait, an “open” secret? An open secret means that it’s actually a secret to some people. Hold up, let me put this one into the Google machine:

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