Political commercials are terrible. It seems like every one is the same: black and white shots of the candidate’s opponent, ominous music, scary words splashed across the screen in red, and a deep-voiced announcer taking things out of context to make it sound like their opponent wants to do things like use government dollars to pay for a space program run by convicted child molesters. I hate them so very much. That’s why this commercial for Florida Republican Mark Oxner is a breath of fresh air. It is INSANE. In it, President Obama is depicted as a cartoon boat captain who enslaves children and is hell-bent on steering his vessel over a waterfall, and Oxner’s opponent (I assume) is his parrot. LITERALLY. They put his head on a parrot’s body.

I would love to have a campaign full of commercials like this. After the Republicans release this one, the Democrats could make one where the Republicans are cartoon robbers who are giving brown sacks with dollar signs on them to Wall St. fat cats (like, ACTUAL overweight felines). Then the Republicans could shoot back with one where the Democrats tie the Constitution to train tracks and twirl their mustaches as a speeding train approaches, and the Democrats could hire those Taiwanese Animation dudes to make their rebuttal and let things get REALLY weird. That would be great. It wouldn’t change my personal politics one iota, but it would be awesome mindless entertainment between reruns of “The Simpsons,” and I think that’s what really important here.

I’m pretty sure the Founding Fathers would be with me on this.

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L to R: White guy, white guy, white lady, white guy, white guy, white lady, white guy

I don’t have much of a tolerance for political coverage on cable news. If I wanted to hear people speculate and yell at each other, I would just go hang out outside The Deb at my local mall and eavesdrop on all the hot gossip. (At least then I’d be near a Cinnabon.) But one thing I DO have a high tolerance for is bonkers television spinning out of control right in front of my eyes, and on a night that featured the premiere of “Work It,” the wives of Gary Busey and Ted Haggard swapping places, and the most Leno lineup of guests imaginable, CNN took home the blue ribbon in that category in a landslide.

A quick primer: The numbers coming in live from last night’s Iowa Caucus weren’t quite definitive, so CNN tried to contact local Iowa GOP officials to clear it up. What they got were two spunky ladies named Edith Pfeffer and Carolyn Talett. From Mediaite:

Talett explained that she had “received a call at about 12:20 from state central committee asking if I knew how to get a hold of someone from 2-2.” This made her call Pfeffer, who didn’t answer her phone, so Talett “came to Edith’s home and pounded on her door and got her up.” After getting her up, CNN called.

Their phone calls with CNN (yes, calls, with an “S,” implying more than one) were an absolute absurd delight. At one point John King said something about the numbers not being right, and one of the ladies exclaimed “WHADDAYA MEAN THE NUMBERS DON’T MATCH?” like King was her backtalking grandson. This is what we need, America — sleepy old ladies holding the media’s feet to the fire. It’s what the Founding Fathers would have wanted.

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A Rhode Island costume shop owner named Ann Bruno was arrested on charges of cyberstalking a local competitor.  Police claim that she signed her competitor up for various “inquires and questions, debt-relief programs, which later on resulted in her receiving an abundance of telephone calls at her place of business.”  

So investigative reporter Jim Taricani of NBC-10 went to interview Bruno.  And that’s when Internet history was made.  Bruno alternately claimed a monster mask was her face and danced around in an Easter Bunny furry suit.  YOU MUST WATCH THE VIDEO IMMEDIATELY.  Here’s a sample:

Taricani: Seriously, ma’am, I wanted to ask you about the police charging you with cyberstalking.
Bruno: (Easter Bunny dances and waves arms)

It’s like a “Saturday Night Live” skit, except really funny.  Go watch it now.  Your day is about to get 1000% better.

UPDATE: Videos — yes, plural — after the jump. Read the rest of this entry »