“Desperate Housewives” is America’s leading show at taking sexy concepts and getting important details wrong, from lesbian kissing between old ladies to the Dana Delany lesbian dream sequence about Julie Benz’s ex-stripper character. But really, all I ever wanted from the show was for Eva Longoria to be on a stripper pole.

And that’s just what “Housewives” will deliver this Sunday — kind of. As the video at EW shows, Gaby Solis (Longoria) gets some pole-dancing lessons because her husband can’t get a boner, and then she falls on her head. Whoa, I think my computer’s overheating from too much sexiness!

Screencaps of the scene are on the following pages — IF YOU CAN HANDLE THE ILLICIT MATERIAL.

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Outside the Dusty Vaj Saloon

The four stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross, and Eva Longoria — are close to finalizing a deal that will pay them each more than $300,000 an episode to continue the ABC dramedy for an eighth season, with a network option for a ninth season that would raise their pay even higher.

With the quartet on board, ABC will renew the show for an eighth season, though it is unclear whether that will happen right away or closer to the May upfronts.

[The stars'] new base salary would be around $325,000 per episode, up from about $275,000 under their most recent deals. (Reports have erroneously pegged their previous salaries at $400,000.) With additional compensation, including back-end and bonuses, the actresses’ paychecks are expected to go up as high as $375,000 per episode. If their options for Season 9 are exercised, their base salary is slated to go up to around $350,000, plus other incentives. If Desperate Housewives goes to nine seasons, which has been creator Marc Cherry’s vision for the show, the four leading ladies’ entire compensation package for the next two seasons is valued at close to $18 million for each. [Deadline]

Listen, it’s awesome that there’s a show that stars actresses who not so long ago would have been considered too old to headline a big-time network drama. Hooray feminism! Furthermore, as we learned from Charlie Sheen, there’s nothing equitable or explicable about TV salaries and the worth of the actors who earn them.

But I think what blows my mind about this is that I don’t know a single person who watches this show. My mom is too intelligent and a little too old to be in the target demographic, and every other woman I know is hip and has taste. But somewhere out there in this great big country of ours are nine million 48-year-old women who apparently watch “Desperate Housewives.” And so I’ll say it again: I should be put in charge of population control in the United States. I’d make fascism way cooler than it’s ever been.

TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

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There are a couple things that have been in the news this week that I feel obligated to write updates about. First of all, Bruce Beresford-Redmond, the “Survivor” producer whose wife turned up dead from strangulation in Mexico, has been released from police custody. However, he’s still a person of interest and can’t leave the country until the investigation is concluded.

As for the Nicollette Sheridan lawsuit in which she claims “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry assaulted her, the latest comes from The Daily Beast, which reports that Cherry marginalizes women working on the show:

“He hates women,” said one person who has worked on set. “It’s apparent on set that he’s a fan of cute, gay men, not women.”

“He will dress you down in front of the staff. He will assault an idea,” said another. “He is very confrontational in this way. He has hissy fits.”

Whoa, stop the presses! A gay man is bitchy and prefers cute men to women? Notify the Pulitzer committee!

Yesterday, we heard all about Nicollette Sheridan’s massive $20M lawsuit against ABC and “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry. Sheridan alleged that Cherry hit her in the face on set, and then killed off her character because she complained. Another way of looking at it, if you’re not Nicollette Sheridan, might be that…

Cherry’s so-called “extremely abusive and aggressive manner” is grossly exaggerated. What happened is there was a scene in which Neal McDonough, who played Nicollette’s husband for the 5th season, was supposed to slap the actress. [According to one insider], during filming on September 24, 2008, Sheridan wasn’t reacting the right way. So Cherry was on the set supervising and in that context only he struck her. “He was showing her on set how it should be played. Ninety people on the set know what happened,” one insider explains. [Deadline]

Hmmm… so there’s a chance that a disgruntled former employee might be making an exaggerated claim in order to get money from a big corporation? That sounds too outlandish to be true. Especially in Hollywood. I thought people in the entertainment industry had a reputation for being honest and forthright.