“Desperate Housewives” is America’s leading show at taking sexy concepts and getting important details wrong, from lesbian kissing between old ladies to the Dana Delany lesbian dream sequence about Julie Benz’s ex-stripper character. But really, all I ever wanted from the show was for Eva Longoria to be on a stripper pole.

And that’s just what “Housewives” will deliver this Sunday — kind of. As the video at EW shows, Gaby Solis (Longoria) gets some pole-dancing lessons because her husband can’t get a boner, and then she falls on her head. Whoa, I think my computer’s overheating from too much sexiness!

Screencaps of the scene are on the following pages — IF YOU CAN HANDLE THE ILLICIT MATERIAL.

“Stripper Coach” is as yet uncredited on the episode’s IMDb page, possibly because this woman’s last role was convincing a Japanese businessman that she found him attractive. If you recognize her from your local Spearmint Rhino, drop a note in the comments.

(Update: commenter guitarjustin says it’s Jillian Nelson. Sure, why not.)

A house just isn’t a home until it has a stripper pole.

Outside the Dusty Vaj Saloon

The four stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross, and Eva Longoria — are close to finalizing a deal that will pay them each more than $300,000 an episode to continue the ABC dramedy for an eighth season, with a network option for a ninth season that would raise their pay even higher.

With the quartet on board, ABC will renew the show for an eighth season, though it is unclear whether that will happen right away or closer to the May upfronts.

[The stars'] new base salary would be around $325,000 per episode, up from about $275,000 under their most recent deals. (Reports have erroneously pegged their previous salaries at $400,000.) With additional compensation, including back-end and bonuses, the actresses’ paychecks are expected to go up as high as $375,000 per episode. If their options for Season 9 are exercised, their base salary is slated to go up to around $350,000, plus other incentives. If Desperate Housewives goes to nine seasons, which has been creator Marc Cherry’s vision for the show, the four leading ladies’ entire compensation package for the next two seasons is valued at close to $18 million for each. [Deadline]

Listen, it’s awesome that there’s a show that stars actresses who not so long ago would have been considered too old to headline a big-time network drama. Hooray feminism! Furthermore, as we learned from Charlie Sheen, there’s nothing equitable or explicable about TV salaries and the worth of the actors who earn them.

But I think what blows my mind about this is that I don’t know a single person who watches this show. My mom is too intelligent and a little too old to be in the target demographic, and every other woman I know is hip and has taste. But somewhere out there in this great big country of ours are nine million 48-year-old women who apparently watch “Desperate Housewives.” And so I’ll say it again: I should be put in charge of population control in the United States. I’d make fascism way cooler than it’s ever been.

TV Guide has released a list of what the top television stars earn, and while the recession and lower revenues have forced networks to pay some stars less, looking nice and pretending to be someone else on camera still beats the hell out of that master’s degree you got in social work just to make $40,000 a year.

Oprah leads all on-air talent by making a staggering $315 million annually, followed by — WHAAA? — Judge Judy? Judge Judy somehow makes 45 MILLION DOLLARS. Per year. I am completely baffled by that.

Other notables: Ryan Secrest gets $15M a year for “American Idol,” Charlie Sheen $1.25M PER EPISODE for “Two and a Half Men,” Jon Cryer $550K/episode on the same show, Hugh Laurie $400K+ for “House,” and the four main stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Eva Longoria Parker, Marcia Cross, and Felicity Huffman — all make $400K an episode. Across a 22-episode season, that’s $35.2M in salary for a lousy excuse for a comedy, which is more money than I can fathom. I couldn’t spend thirty-five million dollars on hookers and drugs if I tried. But man, would I love to try.

Full list after the jump.

Drama (per episode)

Hugh Laurie (House) $400,000+
Christopher Meloni & Mariska Hargitay (Law & Order: SVU) $395,000 (each)
David Caruso (CSI: Miami) $375,000
Marg Helgenberger (CSI) $375,000
Mark Harmon (NCIS) $375,000
Laurence Fishburne (CSI) $350,000
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer) $350,000
Denis Leary (Rescue Me) $350,000
Gary Sinise (CSI: NY ) $275,000
Patrick Dempsey (Grey’s Anatomy) $250,000
David Boreanaz (Bones) $200,000
Jeffrey Donovan (Burn Notice) $200,000
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife ) $175,000
Dana Delany (Body of Proof ) $150,000
Lauren Graham (Parenthood) $150,000
Jada Pinkett Smith (HawthoRNe) $150,000
Jimmy Smits (Outlaw) $150,000
LL Cool J (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Chris O’Donnell (NCIS: Los Angeles) $125,000
Mark Feuerstein (Royal Pains) $125,000
Jason Lee (Memphis Beat) $125,000
Joe Mantegna (Criminal Minds) $125,000
Tom Selleck (Blue Bloods) $125,000
Michael Weatherly (NCIS) $125,000
Matt Bomer (White Collar) $100,000
Nathan Fillion (Castle) $100,000
Thomas Gibson (Criminal Minds) $100,000
Jon Hamm (Mad Men) $100,000
Cole Hauser (Chase) $100,000
Alex O’Loughlin (Hawaii Five-0) $100,000
Timothy Olyphant (Justified ) $100,000
Scott Caan (Hawaii Five-0) $80,000
Angie Harmon (Rizzoli & Isles) $75,000
Anna Paquin (True Blood) $75,000
Blair Underwood (The Event) $75,000
Zachary Levi (Chuck) $60,000
Ian Somerhalder (The Vampire Diaries) $40,000
Shailene Woodley (The Secret Life of the American Teenager) $40,000
Ashley Tisdale (Hellcats) $30,000

Late Night/Talk Syndication (per year)

Oprah Winfrey $315 million
Judge Judy Sheindlin $45 million
David Letterman (The Late Show) $28 million
Jay Leno (The Tonight Show) $25 million
Conan O’Brien (The Conan O’Brien Show) $10 million
Ellen DeGeneres (The Ellen DeGeneres Show) $8 million
Jimmy Kimmel (Jimmy Kimmel Live) $6 million
Chelsea Handler (Chelsea Lately) $3.5 million
George Lopez (Lopez Tonight) $3.5 million

Reality (per year)

Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) $15 million
Joel McHale (The Soup) $2 million
Piers Morgan (America’s Got Talent) $2 million
Kate Gosselin (Kate Plus 8) $250,000 per episode
Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi (Jersey Shore) $30,000 per episode

Comedy (per episode)

Charlie Sheen (Two and a Half Men) $1.25 million
Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men) $550,000
Marcia Cross (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Eva Longoria Parker (Desperate Housewives) $400,000
Dan Castellaneta (The Simpsons) $400,000
Julie Kavner (The Simpsons) $400,000
Tina Fey (30 Rock) $350,000
Jeremy Piven (Entourage) $350,000
Steve Carell (The Office) $297,000
Angus T. Jones (Two and a Half Men) $250,000
David Duchovny (Californication) $200,000
Kevin Dillon (Entourage) $200,000
Adrian Grenier (Entourage) $200,000
Miranda Cosgrove (iCarly) $180,000
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie) $175,000
William Shatner ($#*! My Dad Says) $150,000
David Spade (Rules of Engagement) $150,000
Ed O’Neill (Modern Family) $100,000
Patrick Warburton (Rules of Engagement) $85,000
Betty White (Hot in Cleveland) $75,000
Kaley Cuoco (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Johnny Galecki (The Big Bang Theory) $60,000
Ty Burrell (Modern Family) $50,000
Jane Lynch (Glee) $50,000
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory) $40,000
Matthew Morrison (Glee) $30,000
Selena Gomez (Wizards of Waverly Place) $30,000
Dylan and Cole Sprouse (The Suite Life of Zack and Cody) $20,000 (each)
Rico Rodriguez (Modern Family) $15,000

News (per year)

Matt Lauer (Today)  $16 million +
Katie Couric (CBS) $15 million
Brian Williams (NBC) $12.5 million
Diane Sawyer (ABC) $12 million
Meredith Vieira (Today) $11 million
Bill O’Reilly (Fox News) $10 million
George Stephanopoulos (ABC) $8 million
Keith Olbermann (MSNBC) $7 million
Shepard Smith (Fox News) $7 million
Wolf Blitzer (CNN) $3 million
Christiane Amanpour (ABC) $2 million
Lawrence O’Donnell (MSNBC) $2 million
Eliot Spitzer (CNN) $500,000

There are a couple things that have been in the news this week that I feel obligated to write updates about. First of all, Bruce Beresford-Redmond, the “Survivor” producer whose wife turned up dead from strangulation in Mexico, has been released from police custody. However, he’s still a person of interest and can’t leave the country until the investigation is concluded.

As for the Nicollette Sheridan lawsuit in which she claims “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry assaulted her, the latest comes from The Daily Beast, which reports that Cherry marginalizes women working on the show:

“He hates women,” said one person who has worked on set. “It’s apparent on set that he’s a fan of cute, gay men, not women.”

“He will dress you down in front of the staff. He will assault an idea,” said another. “He is very confrontational in this way. He has hissy fits.”

Whoa, stop the presses! A gay man is bitchy and prefers cute men to women? Notify the Pulitzer committee!

Yesterday, we heard all about Nicollette Sheridan’s massive $20M lawsuit against ABC and “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry. Sheridan alleged that Cherry hit her in the face on set, and then killed off her character because she complained. Another way of looking at it, if you’re not Nicollette Sheridan, might be that…

Cherry’s so-called “extremely abusive and aggressive manner” is grossly exaggerated. What happened is there was a scene in which Neal McDonough, who played Nicollette’s husband for the 5th season, was supposed to slap the actress. [According to one insider], during filming on September 24, 2008, Sheridan wasn’t reacting the right way. So Cherry was on the set supervising and in that context only he struck her. “He was showing her on set how it should be played. Ninety people on the set know what happened,” one insider explains. [Deadline]

Hmmm… so there’s a chance that a disgruntled former employee might be making an exaggerated claim in order to get money from a big corporation? That sounds too outlandish to be true. Especially in Hollywood. I thought people in the entertainment industry had a reputation for being honest and forthright.

Nicollette Sheridan — pictured here with beaus Harry Hamlin (1990) and Michael Bolton (1993) — has filed a lawsuit against ABC and “Desperate Housewives” creator Marc Cherry for $20 million, alleging that Cherry assaulted her and then fired her when she complained about it. There are all sorts of entertaining details — if the very serious and unfunny issue of alleged male-to-female violence is funny to you, you sick bastard — but here are some of the highlights:

Sheridan says the assault went down like this: “On September 24, 2008, during a rehearsal for the show, when Sheridan questioned Cherry about something that was in the script, Cherry took her aside and forcefully hit her with his hand across her face and head.”

She says she was “physically and emotionally injured, humiliated and stunned by Cherry’s sudden physical violence and stated, ‘you just hit me in the head, that is not okay. THAT IS NOT OKAY!’ “

Sheridan says Cherry’s abusive behavior was well-known on the set: “After an incident where Sheridan’s co-star on the show Teri Hatcher went above Cherry’s head to speak to ABC executives, Cherry told Sheridan, ‘I hope Teri Hatcher gets hit by a car and dies.’ “

Sheridan, whose character was killed off near the end of Season 5, also says her compensation for the show was $175,000 an episode for her fifth year, $200,000 for her sixth season and $250,000 for her seventh. She claims she stood to earn millions if she hadn’t been fired.

You know who should’ve been fired? Whoever thought Nicollette Sheridan was worth six figures an episode in the first place. In a related story, using “Nicollette” is Asia’s preferred method to quit smoking.

Yesterday afternoon, I received an email from commenter “jrkumor” saying:

I am surprised you haven’t covered this past weekend’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” particularly Dana Delany’s character’s dream sequence involving Julie Benz’s character.

And I was surprised that she was surprised, because it’s not like I’m signed up for email alerts from the “Desperate Housewives” fan club. That show is a rock-solid #3 in ABC’s patented “Chicks with More Estrogen than Brains” lineup, right behind “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Private Practice” (the latter of which is my preferred euphemism for masturbation).

ANYWAY. It turns out that Julie Benz’s ex-stripper character showed up, moved in with Dana Delany, stirred up lesbian feelings in Delany by being all sexy and giving her a kiss in this atrocious scene, which sparked the dream that jrkumor emailed about. Basically, Dana Delany’s all, “I made you breakfast,” and Julie’s like, “Oops! I got syrup ALL. OVER. ME.” It makes Marilyn Monroe’s performance of “Happy Birthday” look subtle. And I like it that way. I’d take Julie over Marilyn in a heartbeat. Because, y’know, Marilyn’s dead.

Video and more pictures below.

There’s good news and bad news. Good news first: Julie Benz, whose departure from “Dexter” saddened fans of the Showtime series, has gotten a gig playing a stripper. The bad news: it’s on “Desperate Housewives.”

[Benz] has been cast in the recurring role of Debbie, a stripper with a heart of gold and a Masters degree in education. When Susan offers her the chance to transition into a more legitimate career, Deb jumps at it. Benz is booked for at least three episodes, the first of which is scheduled to air in February. [Ausiello]

I know this doesn’t need to be said, but “Desperate Housewives” is terrible at everything. Here are some handy tips for adding a stripper to your show. DO: show the stripper at work. DO NOT: give her a master’s degree. Not unless that master’s is in lap dances. (You can get one at Arizona State.)

ABC has released two new “Desperate Housewives” promotional pictures, and as you… *yawn*... can see… they’re… soooo… sleepyyyy.

ABC revealed: ‘Susan and Mike are brought together by their worst fears; Lynette’s unexpected pregnancy tests her family; as Bree’s (Marcia Cross) marriage dissolves, she finds herself in the arms of another man; Gabrielle (Eva Longoria Parker) is in for a surprise when she and Carlos (Ricardo Antonio Chavira) welcome their niece, Ana (Maiara Walsh), into their home; and Katherine struggles over the thought of losing Mike.’ [Daily Mail]

I wasn’t just being dramatic in that introduction; I honestly can’t stop yawning.  I’ve yawned four times since I started writing this — wait, make that five.  That’s more yawns than original sentences (six yawns).  (Seven.)  Okay, this post is over.  I gotta stop before I dislocate my jaw.

Drea de Matteo’s gonna be on “Desperate Housewives” next season as the replacement for Nicolette Sheridan.  From EW’s Michael Ausiello:

Emmy-winning Sopranos heroine Drea de Matteo is joining the cast as Wisteria Lane’s newest vixenish housewife, sources confirm to me exclusively.

Sources confirm to me exclusively that “vixenish” is the stupidest and most unnecessary word I’ll read all day.

De Matteo, who will be a series regular, will play the matriarch of a new Italian family. Casting is underway for her landscape designer husband and their tightly wound son.

This is a step in the right direction.  Now they only need to replace the other four lead actresses with hot cool chicks (I’m thinking Diane Lane, Marisa Tomei, Maria Bello, and your mom), hire some new writers, and move it to HBO from ABC.  Basically, this could be a pretty good show if all the characters were different and it was told in a completely different way, with plenty of nudity and swearing.