DirecTV has an excellent ad campaign thanks to the Opulence and Epic Win commercials, and though they’re narrated by Gregor the Russian billionaire, the real star is his miniature giraffe. Now the ad agency behind the TV spots (Grey New York) has created a website for Sokoblovsky Farms, PetiteLapGiraffe.com, that shares fun facts about PLGs in humorously broken English.

Petite Lap Giraffes are very funny animal that require special care. They need lots of love. Hugs and kisses every day. Otherwise they make tears.

If you have children, petite lap giraffes no problem. If child is loud, the giraffe will be shy, but does not bite. PLG’s are very clean. With training they will go in box like cats. Allergies never a problem.

Size: adult is 76 centimeters, baby is 15 centimeters tall. Weight is 4.5kg unless the giraffe is fat cow then 5.44kg

Health problems: none. They are the best.

Living conditions: PLG’s love being indoors in filtered air conditioning. If they can listen to music of Nikolai Rimsky-Korsakov it is dream.

There’s also a “live cam” that shows you what the bull, Vladimir, is doing at any given time. The result is a fake website so meticulously created that it’s actually depressing. Dammit, DirecTV! You shouldn’t be able to make those adorable tiny giraffes seem so real without following through and genetically engineering them.

[via AdWeek]

Recently, DirecTV began airing episodes of “Damages” with subtitles that help explain background information viewers might not know if they missed previous episodes of the complex legal drama.

The on-screen subtitles function as a primer of sorts, appearing every few minutes to flesh out a twisty plot turn or reveal a character’s sinister motives…

“It’s a way to say to viewers, ‘It’s not too late to get involved in this show,’” said Paul Guyardo, DirecTV’s chief marketing officer. “And it might keep new viewers from throwing in the towel if they can watch episodes that give them extra background and context.” [LA Times]

As cable networks and scripted series fight harder to retain viewers, it’s likely that these expository subtitles will become widely available across all cable platforms. In a Warming Glow EXCLUSIVE, the following pages reveal how those subtitles will look for some of TV’s most popular shows.

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By now you’ve probably seen the new DirecTV ad, starring everyone’s favorite Russian billionaire and everyone’s favorite-er mini giraffe. Of course, the original “Opulence, I has it” spot was the rarest of commercials: an ad that aired several times every NFL Sunday without driving me into irrational fits of hatred. The new edition (video below) isn’t quite as charming (for starters, there aren’t dogs playing poker), but it does have a guy lifting gold weights, sexy women, and the pygmy giraffe running on a treadmill while watching giraffes running in the wild on a flatscreen TV. Yup, that’ll do.

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Friday Night Lights (DirecTV Channel 101) — Season 5 premiere. Thus begins this embattled but excellent show’s final season. I don’t have DirecTV, so I won’t be able to watch this season until it airs on NBC this summer, but it has my full endorsement. (And for people telling me that I can download the show and watch it on my computer: yes, I’m aware of BitTorrent. For some crazy reason, after nine hours of staring at my laptop every day, I prefer not to watch television on it as well.) Anyway, check out Alan Sepinwall’s review here.

Terriers (FX) — After a rambling three paragraphs about nostalgia, Salon calls “Terriers” “the most soulful new TV show to air this fall.” And I agree. But I still don’t like Salon.

Modern Family (ABC) — Yay, Halloween episode! Get a preview of Julie Bowen’s and Sofia Vergara’s costumes here.

Hollywood Treasure (Syfy) — Series premiere. Joe Maddalena collects Hollywood memorabilia and auctions it off. Oh man, I can’t wait to crack open a Dharma Initiative beer and watch this!

LA Ink (TLC) — Nikki Sixx invites Kat to come on tour with Motley Crue. I like it when reality shows just pretend we don’t see gossip columns. “I just read about Kat von D dating Jesse James! I better tune in to see if she gets serious with Nikki Sixx seven months ago!”

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This awesome DirecTV commercial (video below) has been viewed 300,000 times since it was put on YouTube less than a week ago. And with good reason: it features a Russian magnate wandering around his golden mansion with Swedish models, dog poker games, and a pygmy giraffe. It is precisely how I’d spend my money if I were obscenely wealthy. Well, except the DirecTV part. I’d want a cable service that doesn’t lose its signal when it rains. Also: more strippers and booze.

Whatever, I don’t want to nitpick. The important thing to remember is that Time-Warner Cable sucks huge sweaty balls.

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