The Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero (Discovery) — With the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 just around the corner, the first three hours of this six-part documentary air tonight at 8:00 Eastern. It’s executive produced by Steven Spielberg, so pack Kleenex and expect tinkly music at the dramatic climaxes of familial tragedies and triumphs. (image via Gothamist)

Aaliyah: One in a Million (BET) — Another tragedy that occurred ten years ago: Aaliyah’s death in a plane crash at the age of 21. Damn those terrorists for overshadowing Aaliyah!

Jersey Shore (MTV) — Tonight is rumored to be the episode where The Situation gets punched in the face by Ronnie. Might be worth watching just for that.

Louie (FX) — Louie goes to Afghanistan in this hour-long episode. In case you missed it, check out Josh Kurp’s list of the ten best guest appearances on “Louie.”

Community (NBC) — Yes, it’s a rerun, but it’s the brilliant “clip show” episode, arguably the best episode of the show’s stellar second season.

Expedition Impossible (ABC) — Season finale. If you missed this season, don’t worry: CBS is coming out with another season of “The Amazing Race” soon.

Every year, Discovery faces a drop-off in ratings once Shark Week ends. The solution, of course, is do-it-yourself survival enemas. Last year, it was Bear Grylls giving himself a memorable bat guano enema while adrift in the Pacific. And now we have this clip from Season 2 of “Man, Woman, Wild” (premiering September 2nd), in which Ruth England gives her husband Mikel Hawke an enema with a gas tube and some dirty rainwater in order to keep him hydrated.

I have to say, British accents really class up a MacGyver-style hydration enema. Grylls had the winning line of “Lie back and think of England!,” Ruth England cheerfully uses the terms “backside” instead of “anal sphincter,” and Hawke’s straight-faced delivery of “Now I’m gonna configure to receive enema” is a pretty highbrow way of saying, “This tube’s goin’ in my pooper.”

“Man, Woman, Wild” Season 2 preview below; enema clip here.

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As you surely know, Sunday night marked the beginning of Discovery’s annual Shark Week, and what better way to celebrate a ratings-grabbing TV event than by drinking yourself blind? This Shark Week drinking game is sure to get you loaded on rule #3 alone — the clip we posted yesterday was two straight minutes of Australian accent. But if I had my way, I’d add one more rule: take a drink every time they display the scars or amputation nub of a shark attack survivor. (For the handful of readers out there who don’t drink, I’ve included a Shark Week corgi below to brighten your day.)

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Today’s lamest headline is thanks to Discovery, which will soon announce a new docu-series called “Weed Wars,” featuring marijuana activist Steve DeAngelo and his work at the Oakland Harborside Health Center, the country’s largest pot dispensary.

The show will follow the journey of the plant from germination to harvesting to sales at Harborside, which has opened up a second location in San Jose despite “constant police monitoring and security sweeps,” says to the network. [EW]

So I guess the police sweeps are the “war” aspect of “Weed Wars”? It seems like every other reality show is some kind of war. “Storage Wars.” “Whale Wars.” “Cupcake Wars.” “Wedding Cake Wars.” The only war seems to be the one against irony. If TV networks named movies, The Social Network would have been called Friendship Wars.

As you probably noticed, I was bubbling for weeks about Jake Gyllenhaal’s appearance on last night’s season premiere of “Man Vs Wild,” because there’s nothing I enjoy more than injecting homoeroticism into a scene between two hunky men. And as you can see in the video below, the event did not disappoint, as Gyllenhaal and Bear Grylls stripped off their shirts to cross an icy river arm-in-arm. “Nice and controlled, nice and steady,” Grylls says. “Keep holding me.” And then, as noted before:

Bear: It takes balls, I’m not joking.
Jake: Well, they’re right up in my throat right now.

GRRRR SHIRTLESS RIVER CROSSING! JUST TWO MEN SURVIVING MOTHER NATURE TOGETHER! WHICH WAY TO THE LUMBERJACK CONVENTION?

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