The Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero (Discovery) — With the ten-year anniversary of 9/11 just around the corner, the first three hours of this six-part documentary air tonight at 8:00 Eastern. It’s executive produced by Steven Spielberg, so pack Kleenex and expect tinkly music at the dramatic climaxes of familial tragedies and triumphs. (image via Gothamist)

Aaliyah: One in a Million (BET) — Another tragedy that occurred ten years ago: Aaliyah’s death in a plane crash at the age of 21. Damn those terrorists for overshadowing Aaliyah!

Jersey Shore (MTV) — Tonight is rumored to be the episode where The Situation gets punched in the face by Ronnie. Might be worth watching just for that.

Louie (FX) — Louie goes to Afghanistan in this hour-long episode. In case you missed it, check out Josh Kurp’s list of the ten best guest appearances on “Louie.”

Community (NBC) — Yes, it’s a rerun, but it’s the brilliant “clip show” episode, arguably the best episode of the show’s stellar second season.

Expedition Impossible (ABC) — Season finale. If you missed this season, don’t worry: CBS is coming out with another season of “The Amazing Race” soon.

Every year, Discovery faces a drop-off in ratings once Shark Week ends. The solution, of course, is do-it-yourself survival enemas. Last year, it was Bear Grylls giving himself a memorable bat guano enema while adrift in the Pacific. And now we have this clip from Season 2 of “Man, Woman, Wild” (premiering September 2nd), in which Ruth England gives her husband Mikel Hawke an enema with a gas tube and some dirty rainwater in order to keep him hydrated.

I have to say, British accents really class up a MacGyver-style hydration enema. Grylls had the winning line of “Lie back and think of England!,” Ruth England cheerfully uses the terms “backside” instead of “anal sphincter,” and Hawke’s straight-faced delivery of “Now I’m gonna configure to receive enema” is a pretty highbrow way of saying, “This tube’s goin’ in my pooper.”

“Man, Woman, Wild” Season 2 preview below; enema clip here.

As you surely know, Sunday night marked the beginning of Discovery’s annual Shark Week, and what better way to celebrate a ratings-grabbing TV event than by drinking yourself blind? This Shark Week drinking game is sure to get you loaded on rule #3 alone — the clip we posted yesterday was two straight minutes of Australian accent. But if I had my way, I’d add one more rule: take a drink every time they display the scars or amputation nub of a shark attack survivor. (For the handful of readers out there who don’t drink, I’ve included a Shark Week corgi below to brighten your day.)

(Reddit via Blame It on the Voices. Corgi via Robopanda. BONUS: Shark Week cocktails!)

Today’s lamest headline is thanks to Discovery, which will soon announce a new docu-series called “Weed Wars,” featuring marijuana activist Steve DeAngelo and his work at the Oakland Harborside Health Center, the country’s largest pot dispensary.

The show will follow the journey of the plant from germination to harvesting to sales at Harborside, which has opened up a second location in San Jose despite “constant police monitoring and security sweeps,” says to the network. [EW]

So I guess the police sweeps are the “war” aspect of “Weed Wars”? It seems like every other reality show is some kind of war. “Storage Wars.” “Whale Wars.” “Cupcake Wars.” “Wedding Cake Wars.” The only war seems to be the one against irony. If TV networks named movies, The Social Network would have been called Friendship Wars.

As you probably noticed, I was bubbling for weeks about Jake Gyllenhaal’s appearance on last night’s season premiere of “Man Vs Wild,” because there’s nothing I enjoy more than injecting homoeroticism into a scene between two hunky men. And as you can see in the video below, the event did not disappoint, as Gyllenhaal and Bear Grylls stripped off their shirts to cross an icy river arm-in-arm. “Nice and controlled, nice and steady,” Grylls says. “Keep holding me.” And then, as noted before:

Bear: It takes balls, I’m not joking.
Jake: Well, they’re right up in my throat right now.

GRRRR SHIRTLESS RIVER CROSSING! JUST TWO MEN SURVIVING MOTHER NATURE TOGETHER! WHICH WAY TO THE LUMBERJACK CONVENTION?

Watch the entire episode at BuzzFeed.

As I noted last week, Bear Grylls and Jake Gyllenhaal shared an Icelandic snow cave while filming the season premiere of “Man Vs. Wild,” and now we have a promo video for the episode, which promises to answer the question “Does nature have the balls to take on to two men THIS HANDSOME?”

Anyway, the episode looks good, and Gyllenhaal seems game for some crazy stuff (by which I mean dangerous outdoor activities, not kinky sex acts). But since we’re going to go straight for the gay innuendo anyway, I should probably share the money quote:

Bear: It takes balls, I’m not joking.
Jake: Well, they’re right up in my throat right now.

Yep. That’s Jake Gyllenhaal talking about testicles in his throat. To a man named Bear. For the Discovery Channel. I’m just gonna clock out and call it a day.

[PopWrap]

Capitalizing on America’s love affair with the black-ops execution of terrorists, Discovery has ordered a documentary about DevGru, better known as SEAL Team Six, the unit responsible for the daring raid that killed Osama bin Laden.

In Secrets of SEAL Team Six, the network will introduce viewers to the team’s founder Dick Marcinko and former members as it explores the team’s history, training, weapons and technology. “[It’s] a group that will kick ass and save you,” Marcinko says.

Though the top-secret identities of the team members who participated in the Pakistan mission are, of course, not identified, the show will go behind closed doors to reveal new details of this unit — including talking to the wives of team members (Can we request a Real Housewives of SEAL Team Six spinoff?). [EW]

Even better than “The Real Housewives of SEAL Team Six” would be “The Real Housewives Executed by SEAL Team Six.” Compelling television AND an excellent use of our tax dollars.

On the set of Cronenberg's "African Promises"

If you’ve never seen the BBC/Discovery specials “Planet Earth” or “Life” (the British versions with David Attenborough narrating, not the crappy Oprah one), then you’re missing the apex of smoking weed and watching HD television. However, there’s good news if you’re late to the party: a third installation called “Human Planet” will debut April 10 on Discovery.

Four years in the making, HUMAN PLANET tells the story of the complex, profound and sometimes challenging relationship between humankind and nature. The series was filmed in high definition in more than 70 locations to capture the most diverse and in some cases, never-before-seen stories of human endeavor. From the frozen Arctic to steamy rainforests, and from tiny islands in vast oceans to parched deserts, people have found remarkable ways to adapt and survive in the harshest environments possible. [press release via THR]

I have to admit, I was skeptical about the subject matter — I’d rather watch whales and frogs and sharks than people — but I changed my mind after I watched the trailer (video below). Holy crap, there are dudes in animal furs with hawks clinging to their arms while they ride horses! I mean the people are riding the horses, not the hawks. But that would be pretty awesome, too.

“Man vs. Wild” returns next week, and would you look at that? Awww, Bear Grylls found a cute little seal to play with. Wait, why isn’t the seal moving? The seal’s just sleeping, right? What’s Bear doing with that knife? Oh God NOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(thanks to Jake for the tip)

James Lee, the extreme environmentalist who took hostages at the Discovery Networks headquarters before being shot to death yesterday, had previously pitched a reality show to Discovery that the cable channel rejected. Titled “Race to Save the Earth,” the show would be a competition in which — and I quote — “contestants would come from all over to compete with each other and come up with ideas to save the planet.” That’s as specific as he got with the premise. He didn’t list any kind of challenges or action of any sort.

In 2008, following his protest outside Discovery, Lee even enlisted the help of others to make his reality show a reality, offering “about $200,000 worth of commercial real estate property in Hawaii plus $10,000 in cash for the best TV show idea to save the planet.” His guidelines:

“The title of your TV show should be very catchy … Think of titles like ‘American Idol,’ ‘The Apprentice,’ and other shows that are obviously good and memorable because of their catchy, well-thought out, titles. Then think of the titles that are obviously bad and try to avoid making your show title sound like those,” Lee wrote. [MSNBC]

Man, he had a real gift for teaching, didn’t he? “It should be good like other good titles, and not bad like bad titles.” “Think of some bad titles, and then throw those out.” You know, I’m not sure if anyone has said this about the lunatic who took hostages in an attempt to implement unrealistic changes to a cable network, but I’m beginning to think he might not have been the smartest guy.