The Kids Choice Awards were held last night, and aside from sugary drinks and nose-picking the big winners were I don’t give a rat’s ass. But Disney probably cares, because Nickelodeon shafted some of its damn wiener kid stars.

The annual Kids’ Choice Awards show on Nickelodeon, an ostensible celebration of the most popular children’s programming on television, has turned into a sandbox spat between two media giants vying for supremacy in the world of kids’ TV…

Nickelodeon this week informed programming rival Disney Channel that only a handful of its biggest stars would be permitted to walk the ceremonial orange carpet, pose for photos and grant interviews during “Nickelodeon’s 23rd Annual Kids’ Choice Awards” on Saturday at UCLA’s Pauley Pavilion. Although individual nominees such as Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers can still participate, others have been elbowed out of the spotlight. [LA Times]

I can’t possibly pretend to care about children’s programming without attacking some effeminate fruitcake with clippers or writing something illegal about a girl who isn’t 18, so let’s change subjects. Hey look, it’s Katy Perry. She’s performing some kind of experiment to see if girls with big boobs in short, low-cut dresses and lots of eye makeup turn me on. Say what you will about Miss Perry’s music, but she’s one hell of a scientist.

In what absolutely HAD to be a favor to his daughters, Larry David appeared on Disney’s “Hannah Montana” in 2007, prompting millions of preteen girls to say, “Who’s that weird old guy?” (Both David and his daughters appeared as themselves.)

Before you watch the video below, two things: (1) I’d forgotten how f-cking terrible laugh tracks are. It doesn’t even correlate to the jokes, it’s just a steady stream of canned laughter over the dialogue. (2) Despite the laugh track and the terrible premise and the lousy script and the whole thing just reeking with the glossy sheen of Disney, Larry David is still his genuine cantankerous self. He manages to walk the line between playing too cute in the Disney construct and flipping out and taking a flamethrower to the set. And although the flamethrower would have been more fun to watch, his performance is pretty impressive in its own right.

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Disney continues to make crap like Hannah Montana and High School Musical that idiotic young girls love, but it’s been losing much of its male audience to Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and killing small animals.  In order to get those young boys back in their icy grip, Disney has done what any large, soulless corporation would do: find the creepiest solution possible.

Kelly Peña, or “the kid whisperer,” as some Hollywood producers call her, was digging through a 12-year-old boy’s dresser drawer here on a recent afternoon.  Her undercover mission: to unearth what makes him tick and use the findings to help the Walt Disney Company reassert itself as a cultural force among boys.

Ms. Peña, a Disney researcher with a background in the casino industry, zeroed in on a ratty rock ’n’ roll T-shirt.  Black Sabbath? “ Wearing it makes me feel like I’m going to an R-rated movie,” said Dean, a shy redhead whose parents asked that he be identified only by first name.

Jackpot.

Sweet Jesus.  A consultant and a team of researchers actually spent 18 months garnering and interpreting data to find out what I could have told them in 5 seconds.  Dinosaurs, ninjas, space.  Take any two of those, add lasers, and you’ve got a hit show among boys.  Because if anyone knows what young boys like, it’s me.  Um.  That may have come out wrong.

“We made stew!  High five!”

Teenage girls and gay members of the drama club will be pleased to learn that Disney’s creative team has  begun a high-fiber diet so it can crap out another “High School Musical” movie.  The fourth installment, slated to air next year, will return to the Disney Channel and feature an all-new Zac Efron-less, Vanessa Hudgens-less cast.

This one will involve “a classic love triangle set against the cross-town rivalry between the East High Wildcats and West High Knights,” according to a press release….

And while it will be written by Peter Barsocchini, who wrote the first three, and return Bill Borden and Barry Rosenbush as executive producers… [there's] no word on the involvement of Kenny Ortega, who directed and choreographed the first three versions of “High School Musical” and executive produced the last two. He’s busy currently on preproduction for the remake of “Footloose,” also due out in theaters next year.

Oh no!  They could lose the genius of Kenny Ortega?!?!?  How could anyone ever replace his choreography?  [NOTE: The dance break starts around 2:45 of that video.  And if you watch the entire thing, you'll fall ill and die within the week.]  Whatever, it’s not like I’m the intended audience.  Complaining about this is like complaining about Tyler Perry.  Or Larry the Cable Guy.  Some things defy Darwinism.