I try not to post too much about “Toddlers & Tiaras” because the whole thing is a depressing creepshow that makes me alternate between sad and angry and I get enough of that as a Philadelphia Eagles fan. But this video is so preposterous and damning of society that I would be shirking my duty as a television blogger if I didn’t pass it along, so I will bite the bullet. The things I do for you people.

Some of you may remember the episode of “Toddlers & Tiaras” featuring 6-year-old Alana, also known as “Honey Boo-Boo Child” (for those who are unfamiliar, here is a brief primer). Well, yesterday Alana and her family were on noted fame leech Dr. Drew’s new show “Life Changers,” and I’m sure you will all be quite surprised to find out that the type of parents who push their child to enter competitions where they have to parade like a strumpet in front of wispily-mustachioed judges are ALSO the type of parents who allow their child to mix Red Bell and Mountain Dew (“It’s got what plants crave!”) and then RAMPAGE all over their property. Buzzfeed has a ton of GIFs of Alana freaking out, but I think the one on the right sums up our country’s future pretty well.

If Germany is the Florida of the world, America is the Ohio.

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Dr. Drew Pinsky has nothing to do with “Intervention,” which forms one half of the two-headed monster of A&E’s Misery Night (along with “Hoarders”). But I’m pretty sure that Dr. Drew feeds off of other people’s strung-out misery. When he sees drug-addicted trainwrecks making bongs in their own buttholes, he starts counting the money signs in his head, mapping out all the ways in which he can exploit their misfortune.

So this awesome four-minute supercut of “Intervention’s” most memorable tweaked-out meth heads, drug fiends, and alcoholics must be like the ultimate Dr. Drew Spank Tape.

Unfasten your belt and unleash the Kraken crackheads. What?

(Via Buzzfeed)

For some reason, people keep paying attention to teen bride Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, the married couple separated by 35 years but united in their burning desire for media exposure. Specifically, people with nothing better to do are saying that Stodden’s ample bosom is the result of breast implants, allegations that haven’t been silenced by Stodden wearing a low-cut tank with the words “Yes, they’re real” printed on it. I mean, when has a shirt ever lied? I’m the only person with a WORLD’S GREATEST LOVER t-shirt for a reason.

ANYWAY, to prove that her tits are real, Stodden got an on-air breast exam on Dr. Drew’s “Lifechangers,” because if there’s anyone who’s sympathetic to attention-seeking whores, it’s Dr. Drew. (He and Stodden are like symbiotic parasites, getting nourishment from the other’s excrement.) And thanks to the wonders of modern technology, we learn that Stodden’s boobs have NOT been enhanced with silicone.

So congratulations, creepy guy in his 50s: your 17-year-old wife has awesome tits. This was a worthwhile use of everyone’s time.

[BuzzFeed]

“Celebrity Rehab” is gearing up for another season of not being watched, and the show’s casting agents have set their sights on people you’ve actually heard of for once: Charlie Sheen, his wife Brooke Mueller, Lindsay Lohan, Heather Locklear, and Jenna Jameson. Of course, none of them have actually agreed to do the show. But in TMZ’s world, in the absence of news, the reverse of news is news.

As for Lindsay, we’re told the show recently offered her $1 million to appear on “Celeb Rehab” as well as “Sober House” and a third possible spin-off. Show sources say they were told Lindsay had no interest, partly because she doesn’t think she has a problem and partly because she wants nothing to do with Dr. Drew.

To be fair to Dr. Drew, Lindsay wants nothing to do with anyone who doesn’t have coke.

Show sources say they were shut down with Heather Locklear as well — again, the show sources say they were told Heather doesn’t have a problem. And, the sources say they were shut down by Brooke Mueller. Undaunted, they say they’re now going after Charlie Sheen — perhaps hoping he’ll have time on his hands if he doesn’t re-sign with “Two and a Half Men.”

Filming for the new season is scheduled to begin in two weeks, so at this point I’m guessing the cast will be Jesse James, three former cast members of VH1 reality shows, and four stuffed animals to be named later.

Oh, well that explains everything.

Corey Haim, who died last night of a drug overdose, turned down the opportunity to be on VH1′s “Celebrity Rehab” when approached by a casting company earlier this mornth, according to TMZ.

Sources connected with Dr. Drew’s show tell us casting producers called Corey. They say he was “extremely defensive and insulted, saying, ‘It’s the last show I’d ever do.’”

Incorrect. That would be “The Two Coreys.”

Our sources say the 3-minute conversation ended with Corey saying, “I do not need help.”

To clarify, he hung up mid-sentence, just before he said, “…doing drugs.”