Brett Butler, the star of ’90s hit show “Grace Under Fire,” battled troubles with addiction even while her show aired. So what’s been going on in the 13 years since it went off the air? Oh, you know, the usual: “everything but crack and needles” and living in a homeless shelter.

“I almost died like Michael Jackson. … I was dying of addiction,” she said in an interview with Entertainment Tonight’s Nancy O’Dell.

“I did everything but crack and needles pretty much,” she added. “I had a variety of things given to me by doctor, and other things. I’m not doing it to be coy, but I’m not going to go through what I did. I did it ’til the wheels came off.”

She went in and out of rehab, and after the show was canceled, she moved out of her L.A. mansion to a farm in Georgia, where she lived with 15 pets, but she soon ran out of money and found herself in a homeless shelter. [THR]

You can watch the video of the interview at that THR link. Butler’s now attempting a comeback doing stand-up in L.A. while filming a reality show about that and her-self-professed psychic abilities because OF COURSE there’s a reality show.

I’d like to see a reality show that brings together washed-up celebrities whose reality shows failed. Brett Butler can join David Hasselhoff, Sinbad, MC Hammer, and Roseanne in a house with ever-deplenishing stocks of booze. Like, it starts out with a full bar, but after that there’s only Thunderbird, and after that cooking wine, and eventually they’ll have to huff paint thinner and magic markers. Whoever stays high the longest without dying wins.

Last night’s episode of “The Walking Dead” (S2E2, “Bloodletting”) had a subtle but notable nod to its fellow AMC hit “Breaking Bad”: when white-power survivalist Darryl pulled out his bag of illicit drugs — both street and scrip — he mentions that meth in his collection, and the telltale crystals are blue, just as if they were made in Walter White’s laboratory.

AMC didn’t immediately respond to queries on Monday morning about whether this was a deliberate shout-out from the “Walking Dead” producers or just a manifestation of our own desire for new installments of “Breaking Bad.” And it’s not immediately clear how crystal meth that is cooked in Albuquerque would make it all the way to Atlanta (carried over by an industrious zombie, no doubt). But it wouldn’t be the first time the two shows have collaborated: KNB EFX, the special effects company of the “Walking Dead” co-executive producer Greg Nicotero, helped design a memorable scene for the “Breaking Bad” finale, featuring a character who can make return appearances only in flashbacks or as a member of the undead. [NYT ArtsBeat]

Okay, thanks for WAY too many words about that, New York Times. Here’s the only conversation we need to have about this: ”Oh hey! Blue meth on ‘The Walking Dead’!” … ”Neat.”

Back in 2000, “South Park” creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone went to the Oscars wearing the same dresses that had previously been worn by Jennifer Lopez and Gwyneth Paltrow to the awards show. Last night on “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” they revealed how they worked up the nerve to do the stunt: they took acid.

Parker: “We thought of it the week before… We had tuxes as a backup because we thought we were gonna chicken out, and we did. And we were like, ‘Let’s not do that, let’s not do that.’ But then we were like, “Let’s take a little bit of acid.” So we did that and of course an hour later we were like, “WE GOTTA WEAR THE DRESSES.”

Stone: “It made that whole thing just make sense.”

There’s video below, and it’s funny to watch as Parker goes on to say that they were coming down as the ceremony was going on and how they hoped that they didn’t win.

Me? I don’t need drugs to wear a designer gown. Looking beautiful is its own high.

[BuzzFeed]

Today’s lamest headline is thanks to Discovery, which will soon announce a new docu-series called “Weed Wars,” featuring marijuana activist Steve DeAngelo and his work at the Oakland Harborside Health Center, the country’s largest pot dispensary.

The show will follow the journey of the plant from germination to harvesting to sales at Harborside, which has opened up a second location in San Jose despite “constant police monitoring and security sweeps,” says to the network. [EW]

So I guess the police sweeps are the “war” aspect of “Weed Wars”? It seems like every other reality show is some kind of war. “Storage Wars.” “Whale Wars.” “Cupcake Wars.” “Wedding Cake Wars.” The only war seems to be the one against irony. If TV networks named movies, The Social Network would have been called Friendship Wars.

It’s April 20th, which means that plenty of idiots are out there saying, “Huh huh huh… 4/20, dude.” I’ve got nothing against marijuana use, and I’m all for its legalization, but I’m a little too old to get excited about an arrangement of numbers on the calendar. It’s like Pi Day: no one but mathletes should make a big deal out of it.

However, since this is the Internet, I don’t stem the tides, I swim with them. So here’s a PSA from the ’90s in which the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles help young children say no to fourth-grade drug dealers. This is how ALL young people are introduced to marijuana, of course: confronted at their locker by older kids who dare them to try a joint in the hallway between classes. It’s almost TOO subtle.

[via BuzzFeed's collection of anti-drug PSAs. YOU ALL RIGHT! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!]

Today in hard-hitting local news: Denver’s NBC affiliate explored the case of Tom Schanaman (pictured), a man who requested a smoking room at a Sleep Inn but was bothered by the pervasive smell of marijuana smoke. It seems like a legitimate complaint: the last thing a man of his girth needs is a contact high and a case of the munchies. And just think: smoking cigarettes suppresses his appetite.

The video below is a perfect example of why I love local news clips: they investigate even the most mundane complaints with such earnest seriousness that it almost feels like parody. Like, was it really necessary to get the shot of Schanaman from the ground looking up? I guess the exposed belly fat added weight to the story. ZING.

[via 9news, thanks to Matt A. for the tip]

Curse the 9-to-5 East Coast workday, because yesterday afternoon Charlie Sheen went further off the hinges than ever before, causing CBS to shut down production on the rest of the season of “Two and a Half Men.” For posterity’s sake I’m going to walk you through all the news stories and back-and-forth, from the beginning, starting with Sheen’s rant on Alex Jones’s radio show. If you have the time, I recommend listening to the whole thing over at WWTDD, because the transcript alone doesn’t do justice to Sheen’s coked-up delusion.

“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

As you read more of his completely insane quotes, you’ll see that the overriding theme tends to be “I’m awesome, and everyone else is holding me back from being even more awesome.” Here he is on series creator and writer Chuck Lorre (I’ve bolded all the craziest stuff):

“I’m tired of being told ‘You can’t talk about that, you can’t talk about that.’ Bull S-H-I-T. There’s something this side of deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine — yeah, that’s Chuck’s real name [Lorre was born Charles Levine - Ed.]— mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy, bro. Check it, Alex: I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his unevolved mind cannot process. Last I checked, Chaim, I spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold. And the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he’s above the law.”

“Yeah, I party with hookers and order briefcases of cocaine. But that Chuck Lorre really acts like he’s above the law, huh?”

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

Wait, are the Vatican assassin warlocks flying the F-18s? I’m confused.

“If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”

Watch out, the Vatican assassin warlock F-18 employs a secret army of soldiers.

“The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullsh*t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind.”

That’s telekinesis, Kyle.

“I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!” [Sheen quotes transcribed by Vulture]

Sheen also went off on Lorre to TMZ, challenging him to a fight in the Octagon, which of course is typical for 46-year-old employees when they want to resolve disputes with their bosses.

Charlie said, “I violently hate Chaim Levine (Chuck Lorre). He’s a stupid, stupid little man and a p**sy punk that I’d never want to be like.” Charlie adds, “That’s me being polite.”

“All these guys told me to ‘clean it up.’ Well this is me cleaning it the f**k up.” Charlie, who insists he’s sober, says, “All I want is to bring my family together, and I have to deal with all this B.S. politics.”

And as if that’s not enough, Charlie says “That piece of s**t [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family’s pocket, and, most importantly, my second family — my crew’s pocket… You can tell him [Lorre] one thing. I own him.” [TMZ]

At that point, CBS was kind of painted into a corner:

“Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season,” the companies said in a statement…

The halting the show does, of course, throw the entire future of the hit series into question. Sheen was signed through the end of next season. A network will typically decide on a show’s fate in time for its upfront presentation in May, but one shouldn’t expect anything about Men to be typical at this point. [EW]

Sheen responded to this news with grace and dignity, of course. Which is to say he fired up another eight-ball and wrote an open letter to the people that keep trying to chain his unbridled awesomeness. From TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows … I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can’t handle my power and can’t handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people … not yours…we will continue on together…

Charlie Sheen

To recap: Charlie Sheen is a Vatican warlock assassin alchemist F-18 with fire-breathing fists and a secret army who will march up the steps of justice to right the unconscionable wrong of losing his $2 million-a-week job because he’s so great.

Kids, don’t do cocaine.

Chuck Lorre — the creator of CBS hits “Two and a Half Men,” “The Big Bang Theory,” “Mike & Molly,” and “Three Farts and a Bike Horn” — places a different witticism at the end of every show he produces. After last night’s episode of “Two and a Half Men,” the card that ran was a dig at Charlie Sheen:

I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.

I think that’s perfectly fair. Lorre created “Two and a Half Men,” and now his cash cow may die because the star is a reckless drug-abusing assh*le. But check out the self-serious finger-wagging Lorre got from TV Guide:

Jeers to Chuck Lorre for biting the hand that feeds him — and his entire crew.

Jeez, Chuck, we know you’re a comedy writer, but on the very same day when the star of your show gave a disturbing interview to Dan Patrick in which he implied he can handle smoking crack “socially,” do you really want to make a joke about his potential death?

Yes. Yes, he should joke about Charlie Sheen dying. And you know why? Because Sheen’s a spoiled piece of sh*t who’s spent the last twenty years doing drugs and abusing women, and if he dies it will be his own fault. Screw Charlie Sheen. The world will be safer without him.

UPDATE: As commenter Timmo pointed out, this isn’t the first crack Lorre’s taken at Sheen. Previous examples happened in January and November.

A poll conducted by The Hollywood Reporter and Penn Schoen Berland found that most Americans are totally fine with Charlie Sheen doing briefcases of cocaine, nailing hookers, and abusing women. If that sounds insane, keep in mind that “Two and a Half Men” is the most popular sitcom on television. Some of the highlights:

*26 percent actually view Sheen “much more” or “somewhat more” favorably after hearing recent news about him.
*90 percent of “avid fans” don’t think drug and alcohol abuse problems matter as long as Sheen does a good job on the show.
*Among all viewers, 28 percent of men say CBS and Warner Bros should remove Sheen, 42 percent of women say CBS and Warner Bros should remove Sheen.
*82 percent of women say they will still watch Two and a Half Men despite Sheen’s personal problems compared to 76 percent of men.
*59 percent of all viewers believe that Sheen isn’t acting on the show but actually just playing himself.
*62 percent say media should leave him alone. [THR]

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the “let this guy illegally abuse drugs and women in peace” backlash against the media. It’s like, hey, you think I want to cover this guy’s coke-fueled porn orgies every day? Well, I do. I absolutely do. My entire blogging career has been building up to Charlie Sheen burying a hooker in a shallow grave outside Las Vegas.

I know that some of you are getting tired of the endless Charlie Sheen-cocaine-and-porn coverage, but cocaine-and-porn coverage is why I got into blogging in the first place. Let me enjoy this moment, okay?

Anyway, while “Mike and Molly” and “Rules of Engagement” fill in for “Two and a Half Men,” Sheen will undergo rehab from his home in Los Angeles. The same home where he gets his cocaine briefcase deliveries. This should go well.

Sources connected with the actor tell us … CBS, Warner Bros. and Charlie put their heads together and found an expert in addiction they think can help Charlie conquer his demons.

The expert and other professionals are coming to Charlie’s gated community in L.A., in no small part for privacy reasons. Many rehab facilities can be tricky when it comes to patients and others spilling secrets. [TMZ]

Yes, privacy is Charlie Sheen’s utmost concern. That’s why he prefers to spend his time with porn stars and high-priced call girls who never talk to the press or tweet pictures of their vaginas from his house. Those girls are like bank vaults. Lock them in the Hanoi Hilton, waterboard them, doesn’t matter. You’ll never get them to talk.