Today in hard-hitting local news: Denver’s NBC affiliate explored the case of Tom Schanaman (pictured), a man who requested a smoking room at a Sleep Inn but was bothered by the pervasive smell of marijuana smoke. It seems like a legitimate complaint: the last thing a man of his girth needs is a contact high and a case of the munchies. And just think: smoking cigarettes suppresses his appetite.

The video below is a perfect example of why I love local news clips: they investigate even the most mundane complaints with such earnest seriousness that it almost feels like parody. Like, was it really necessary to get the shot of Schanaman from the ground looking up? I guess the exposed belly fat added weight to the story. ZING.

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Curse the 9-to-5 East Coast workday, because yesterday afternoon Charlie Sheen went further off the hinges than ever before, causing CBS to shut down production on the rest of the season of “Two and a Half Men.” For posterity’s sake I’m going to walk you through all the news stories and back-and-forth, from the beginning, starting with Sheen’s rant on Alex Jones’s radio show. If you have the time, I recommend listening to the whole thing over at WWTDD, because the transcript alone doesn’t do justice to Sheen’s coked-up delusion.

“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”

As you read more of his completely insane quotes, you’ll see that the overriding theme tends to be “I’m awesome, and everyone else is holding me back from being even more awesome.” Here he is on series creator and writer Chuck Lorre (I’ve bolded all the craziest stuff):

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Chuck Lorre — the creator of CBS hits “Two and a Half Men,” “The Big Bang Theory,” “Mike & Molly,” and “Three Farts and a Bike Horn” — places a different witticism at the end of every show he produces. After last night’s episode of “Two and a Half Men,” the card that ran was a dig at Charlie Sheen:

I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.

I think that’s perfectly fair. Lorre created “Two and a Half Men,” and now his cash cow may die because the star is a reckless drug-abusing assh*le. But check out the self-serious finger-wagging Lorre got from TV Guide:

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A poll conducted by The Hollywood Reporter and Penn Schoen Berland found that most Americans are totally fine with Charlie Sheen doing briefcases of cocaine, nailing hookers, and abusing women. If that sounds insane, keep in mind that “Two and a Half Men” is the most popular sitcom on television. Some of the highlights:

*26 percent actually view Sheen “much more” or “somewhat more” favorably after hearing recent news about him.
*90 percent of “avid fans” don’t think drug and alcohol abuse problems matter as long as Sheen does a good job on the show.
*Among all viewers, 28 percent of men say CBS and Warner Bros should remove Sheen, 42 percent of women say CBS and Warner Bros should remove Sheen.
*82 percent of women say they will still watch Two and a Half Men despite Sheen’s personal problems compared to 76 percent of men.
*59 percent of all viewers believe that Sheen isn’t acting on the show but actually just playing himself.
*62 percent say media should leave him alone. [THR]

I don’t think I’ll ever understand the “let this guy illegally abuse drugs and women in peace” backlash against the media. It’s like, hey, you think I want to cover this guy’s coke-fueled porn orgies every day? Well, I do. I absolutely do. My entire blogging career has been building up to Charlie Sheen burying a hooker in a shallow grave outside Las Vegas.

I know that some of you are getting tired of the endless Charlie Sheen-cocaine-and-porn coverage, but cocaine-and-porn coverage is why I got into blogging in the first place. Let me enjoy this moment, okay?

Anyway, while “Mike and Molly” and “Rules of Engagement” fill in for “Two and a Half Men,” Sheen will undergo rehab from his home in Los Angeles. The same home where he gets his cocaine briefcase deliveries. This should go well.

Sources connected with the actor tell us … CBS, Warner Bros. and Charlie put their heads together and found an expert in addiction they think can help Charlie conquer his demons.

The expert and other professionals are coming to Charlie’s gated community in L.A., in no small part for privacy reasons. Many rehab facilities can be tricky when it comes to patients and others spilling secrets. [TMZ]

Yes, privacy is Charlie Sheen’s utmost concern. That’s why he prefers to spend his time with porn stars and high-priced call girls who never talk to the press or tweet pictures of their vaginas from his house. Those girls are like bank vaults. Lock them in the Hanoi Hilton, waterboard them, doesn’t matter. You’ll never get them to talk.