The good news is that “Two and a Half Men” has gone on hiatus while Charlie Sheen takes a “voluntary” trip to rehab. The annoying news is that Charlie Sheen thinks we’re all “turds” because he’s just a guy having some fun. He’s not breaking any laws or anything, assuming that prostitutes and briefcases full of cocaine are still legal. They are, right?

The actor “has voluntarily entered an undisclosed rehabilitation center today,” the actor’s rep says in a statement Friday… Sheen’s highly successful sitcom, Two and a Half Men, is going on hiatus due to the star’s decision to enter rehab, according to a statement from CBS, Warner Bros. Television and executive producer Chuck Lorre. [People]

“I’m fine,” Sheen told [Radar] via text message on Friday afternoon around the same time it was announced he was checking into rehab. ”People don’t seem to get it…. Guy can’t have a great time and do his job also?”

The Two and a Half Men star finished the text with a characterization of his detractors: “Bunch of turds.” [Radar]

He truly sounds like someone eager to start rehab and quit drugs, huh? My favorite part is where he acts like he’s been doing his job perfectly well, when epic benders have led to his hospitalization twice in the last month, with one of those times resulting in missed work. But yeah, it’s our bad. We’re the turds. The guy with the porn stars and the briefcase of cocaine is just trying to do his job.

Paula Abdul returns to television tomorrow as a judge on CBS’s “Live to Dance” (trailer here), and in a synergistic bit of journalism, Julie Chen got the opportunity to interview Paula on CBS’s Sunday morning news. What a get!

Here you can see Paula Abdul set the record straight: she’s not stupid, she has a brain, and she’s never been drunk. According to her, she’s just goofy. And I suppose that’s possible. I’d be “goofy” too if I were on more prescription drugs than any human since Michael Jackson. Lithium’s a hell of a drug.

[BuzzFeed]

In defiance of logic, the respected professionals in the American Medical Association, and God’s clear will, Paula Abdul has another show. This trailer is for “Live to Dance,” a dance competition debuting January 4th on CBS.  Hold on.  How did no coked up executive sneak an exclamation point into that title?  It’s screaming for it!  It’s like I don’t even know you morons anymore.  Anyway, the trailer manages to display Paula in a competent, coherent light.  And good for her.  Because when the trailer opened up with the teaser, “Find out what Paula’s been up to,” I had a whole row of “Her knees in Xanax” jokes lined up, and I was really hoping to save them for 2011.

It is a little frustrating that Paula got another job, though.  This is the kind of crap that only happens in the entertainment industry.  For example, I’m in law school.  Let’s say a couple years from now, when I’m a lawyer, I just start showing up to depositions clearly under the influence of high doses of prescription medication.  Then some serious suspicion develops that I’ve been sleeping with interns 20 years my junior.  I start coming and going as I please and doing a shoddy job while my employer is paying me huge amounts of money… wait a minute.  This is starting to sound AMAZING.  That’s, like, my dream job.  And after all that, she still got another job?  Holy crap!  I should be worshiping this woman.

Jeez, and I thought I was jealous of her when she got to perform with MC Skat Kat.  Do you, Paula.  Do you.

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Okay, we’ve got some late-night goodness to review. The highlight of the night came when Jimmy Fallon broke out his uncanny Neil Young character — last seen singing the theme to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” — for another song related to the Smith family: Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair.” Halfway through, Bruce Springsteen — wearing sunglasses and a fake beard — joins him, and it’s a delight to hear Springsteen and pseudo-Young sing lyrics like “Don’t let haters keep me off my grind / Keep my head up I know I’ll be fine.” (video below)

The Young/Springsteen video HAS to be good to bump Harrison Ford from top billing. Ford was the first guest on last night’s “Conan,” and he was HIGH OUT OF HIS MIND (video below). I can’t for the life of me pin down what fabulous cocktail of drugs he was on (Coke and lean? Weed and ecstasy?), but he was by turns spaced out, confused, sullen, wide-eyed, goofy… all while constantly rubbing his hands on the chair’s armrest. The highlights were him saying he’d love to do another Indiana Jones movie for the money (see the 8:45 mark) and his response to what he would have done in Capt. Sully Sullenberger’s position after a bird strike: “sh*t and die.” (Note: it wasn’t bleeped, because cable TV rules.)

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Charlie Sheen has spent the last two decades being a violent drug-fueled menace to women, but the way he sees it, if police show up while he’s naked and trashing a hotel room with a high-priced prostitute locked in the bathroom, well, gee, that’s just an average guy having one bad night. Chill out, everybody.

“If a guy has one bad night everybody goes insane and panics… I’m not panicking,” Sheen said.

That’s right, it’s the hooker’s job to go insane and panic.

Still missing his rare Patek Philippe 5970 watch worth $150,000 that he claims he lost the night of the incident, the actor didn’t seem to be too upset. “The way I look at it, if you have expensive tastes, you gotta be prepared for expensive losses.”

“Listen, I like really expensive whores. Eventually, some of them are gonna go missing. Wait, did I say whores? I meant watches. And whores.”