Here’s the first little tease of E!’s next invaluable addition to the reality TV canon, “Ice Loves Coco” (previously written about here). In it, Ice-T details his first meeting with Coco, when she — surprise — worked as a model in one of his videos.

Ice: I said, “Would you ever consider dating a gangsta rapper?”
Coco: I said, “Well, if he’s nice…”
Ice: And then the pimp gods from heaven sent me the line, “If you take the N off ‘nice’ you get ice, baby.”

Impressive. You can really see the limitless rhyming skills that made him a multi-platinum rapper. Although I would have respected Coco a lot more if she responded to that line with “No thanks, I’d rather be a New Jack hustler. H-U-S-T-L-E-R HUSSLA!”

Earlier today, E! reported that Coco — the waifish, demure wife of Ice-T — will star in an upcoming reality series on E!, firmly cementing E!’s stranglehold on shows about chicks with big asses who like black dudes. Coco just confirmed the news on Twitter: the new show debuts 10:30 on June 12th, after whichever Kardashian-based show happens to be on.

We’re told the show has begun shooting in NYC — it will focus on her crazy life and will feature her hubby, rapper/actor Ice-T. [TMZ]

Her “crazy life,” huh? “Hey guys, today I wore some really tight clothes!” Yeah, that’s completely insane. I’ll try to keep up.

(None of this is to say that Coco doesn’t deserve her own show. By virtue of her marvelous and gigantic ass, she’s already more interesting than anyone else in E!’s reality slate. Not that the competition’s all that steep.)

Tonight, E! will air the “True Hollywood Story” of Sarah Palin, a hallmark of fame only bestowed upon such luminaries as Jim J. Bullock, Joe Piscopo, and Kate Gosselin (although to be fair, there was also an episode about Barack Obama).

This preview clip isn’t too enticing — a buncha white guys talking about Palin’s rise to brain trust known as the Wasilla City Council — but you get to see how she looked in 1992. And if you thought she was (G)MILFy in 2008, just wait until you glimpse her 16 years earlier. Outta the way, Stifler’s mom! Mrs. Palin is lookin’ fine! I’d totally impregnate her with a retarded baby.

In an exclusive exchange with E! News, Charlie Sheen is clearing up all the rumors about Two and a Half Men being on the verge of cancellation, his father Martin seeking a conservatorship, and the film Navy Seals.

“All crap.”

In the least dignified communication in the history of human communication (seriously, is there something worse than a 45-year old man in a fright wig sending texts to the E! Network to deny rumors that he’s going to have to move back in with his parents?), Sheen continued, using a world news misdirect to avoid accepting that he is a pill popping sex maniac who has started in not one, but two of the Scary Movies.  He will never speak about any of this as long as he is alive!

“Believe nothing. I will never speak about any of this as long as I’m alive. You’re all gonna have to keep towing the same redundant line, guessing wrong … BTW, two wars are in an endless state of sorrow. Egypt about burned to the ground, and all you people care about is my bullsh**….?”

There you have it. Straight from the Sheen himself. Or, you know, anyone who had access to his phone.

[E! Online]

I hope everyone still has their Y2K shelters stocked with canned goods, bottled water, and Lou Bega’s smash debut album A Little Bit of Mambo, because things are about to get REAL.  (Note:  Looking back on it, Bega probably should have named his album A Long, Profitable Career’s Worth of Mambo, but I digress.)  At midnight tonight, a number of carriage agreements expire that could mean blackouts of channels on certain providers — most notably the Comcast-owned E! and Style Network on DISH Network.  Via Deadline, here is the official statement from E! and Style:

We are in active negotiations with DISH Network.  We are trying to reach a fair agreement, however, it is our belief they will once again turn their backs on their subscribers by dropping the networks and holding E! and Style fans hostage. In actively choosing to discontinue these two networks, Dish is denying their subscribers E!, the ultimate network for entertainment fans with marquee January events from exclusive coverage of Red Carpet season to the premiere of the new season of the Kardashian show Kourtney & Kim Take NY, and Style, the home of transformations, from fashion, to beauty to home, featuring all-new seasons of Kimora and Jerseylicious.

Oh my heavens! What will we do without “Kimora” and “Jerseylicious”? And however will I get by without knowing how a girl whose fame is based on having made a sex tape with the younger brother of the girl from “Moesha” fared in New York with her sister? I do declare, I feel like I’m becoming a touch weak in the knees. Oh dear… (*dramatically raises back of hand to forehead, faints*)

Seriously, if we could just move “The Soup” to VH1 or something, you could pretty much murder everyone on E! and Style and I’d probably just shrug my shoulders and finish eating this sandwich.  Even you, Topanga.  Sorry, sister.

After the jump, the banner pic explained in song form.

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