Kenny Powers is man who has the ball; he’s the man who can throw it faster than f**k. That’s why he’s better than everyone in the world. Not only does the man hold the rookie record for saves (49) he’s also a gentle lover, but most of all, he’s a goddamn champion. He’s an icon. The only thing that Kenny Powers hasn’t managed yet is landing a big shoe deal, but that’s because no shoe company has had the balls to associate themselves with the bulletproof tiger. But K-Swiss has magnum sized balls. They’ve embraced the essence of Kenny Powers, and appointed him the Motherfu*ckin’ Chief Executive Office (MFCEO) of K-Swiss.

Powers has this new spot out where he basically channels Steve Jobs, if Steve Jobs had an arm like a damn rocket, a c*ck like a burmese python, and the mind of a f**king scientist. In this spot, he introduces K-Swiss’ new shoe, Blades, and honestly, it’s one of the funniest ads you’ve ever lay your puny little eyes on. There’s a animated sequences where he cuts up children, another where he hangs out with half-naked chicks on the moon, and even a sit-down with Bruce Lee to discuss how to make the fastest shoe you’ve ever seen. You will sh*t your pants, nerd.

The thing that struck me most about the video, though, is what an awesome motivational speaker Kenny Powers is. He has the ability to rally a base, inspire an electorate, and bring voters to their knees. If politicians were more like Kenny Powers, there’d be no gridlock in Washington. Kenny Powers could get sh*t done. There’d be no wars, either, because every other country in the world would be too terrified of the awesome power of the United States to do pose a threat.

What I’m proposing is this: Presidential candidates should stop listening to their pussy advisers, and start their cues from Kenny Powers. Campaign speeches wouldn’t be tepid affairs anymore; they’d be like rock concerts where chicks would throw their bras at the candidates. What would it look like? It’d look something like this:

Read the rest of this entry »

Fairly Legal/In Plain Sight (USA, Friday) – Season premieres. I watched like four episodes of “Fairly Legal” in a row the other morning (working from home is weird). It’s not terrible, and Sarah Shahi is incredibly attractive. You are welcome for this thought-provoking analysis

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) – Season 2 finale. Everyone makes nice and goes to Hawaii. Probably.

NCAA Tournament (All weekend, CBS/TBS/TNT/TruTV) – SO MUCH BASKETBALL MAKE DG SO HAPPY.

Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, Sunday) – Donald Trump’s son seems like a real swell guy sh-tweasel. I, for one, am quite surprised by this development.

Desperate Housewives/GCB (ABC, Sunday) – “Can you believe what happened on ‘Desperate Housewives’ and ‘GCB’ last night?” is something I imagine one lady says to her friend Helen while slowly pedaling a stationary bike at Curves.

The Good Wife/CSI: Miami (CBS, Sunday) – CBS hasn’t renewed “CSI: Miami” yet, despite renewing almost everything else. I guess you could say … [sunglasses] … it’s not doing very well and may get canceled.

Eastbound & Down (HBO, Sunday) – From TV Guide: “[Kenny] tries to regain control of the team by throwing the mother of all Fourth of July parties.” YES.

Full Metal Jousting (History, Sunday) – Where does one go from punching a horse in the face? The world awaits your answer, “Full Metal Jousting.”

Shameless (Showtime, Sunday) – From TV Guide: “With Monica around and pitching in, Fiona is able to devote more time to pursuing her GED and seek a promotion at the club; Steve learns Estefania is still in love with her ex-boyfriend, so he and Lip conspire to sneak her beau back into the country. Meanwhile, Ian is busy dodging a vengeful Terry Milkovich; and Lip ponders the possibility that he might be poppa to Mandy’s impending arrival.” Jesus. How long is this show? A day?

We’re still waiting to hear how “Community” did last night ratings-wise, but no matter the answer, the numbers will be slightly skewed (for the better). “The Big Bang Theory” wasn’t on, and it’s likely at least SOME of that audience headed over to NBC, rather than watch college basketball. (UPDATE: it did very well.) And hopefully SOME of THAT audience flipped to FX for “Archer” because holy moly, was that an awesome episode.

We’ve got two of the three shows mentioned above covered in this installment of GIFs of the Week (the one rule of this feature: NO BAZINGAS. Bazongas, sure), as well as choice selections from “Eastbound & Down,” “South Park,” “Southland,” and other shows without directions in the title.

Read the rest of this entry »

Eastbound & Down/Life’s Too Short/Luck (HBO, Sunday) – HBO’s next series should be a sci-fi show set 25 years in the future that follows the life of the child that was raised by Kenny Powers. Maybe with lasers and stuff. I think that would be a good show. (Preview of this week’s episode after the jump. NSFW audio. Duh.)

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – I like Jonah Hill. He seems like a really cool guy, he’s dating Dustin Hoffman’s daughter, the world is his oyster. But it’s gonna take a long time for “Academy Award Nominee Jonah Hill” to sound right.

Portlandia (IFC, Friday) – Season finale, followed by a sneak peek at “Comedy Bang Bang,” IFC’s upcoming show based on one of my favorite podcasts.

The Simpsons/Bob’s Burgers/Family Guy/American Dad (FOX, Sunday) – I don’t know if or when you gave up on these shows, but I recommend giving them a fresh shot every once in a while if you did. This has been “DG Tells You to Do Stuff and Then You All Probably Yell at Him About It.”

The Amazing Race/The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday) – From TV Guide, here is the complete summary of this week’s episode of “The Amazing Race”: “The race continues in Turin, Italy.” Heard it here first!

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) – Here’s something I’ve always wondered: Zombies eat brains, right? But as more and more people are turned into zombies, the number of brains they’re eating will increase exponentially. What happens when they run out? Brains are a finite resource, zombies. They’re not something renewable like air, or Skittles, or oil. You need to conserve — maybe eat only half a brain and save the rest for later, or start raising humans like livestock. Here to help.

Shameless/House of Lies/Californication (Showtime, Sunday) – Based on our poll today, it looks like a bunch of you watch “Shameless.” That surprised me a little. I will have to retreat to my laboratory (kitchen) and ponder this (eat pasta) for a while.

UPDATE — The Announcement (ESPN, Sunday) – I forgot about it on Friday, but this documentary about Magic Johnson’s announcement that he has HIV looks great. Watch what you want on Sunday, but I’ll be watching this. (Here’s an excellent review by Dan Devine at Yahoo!)

Read the rest of this entry »

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Lindsay Lohan hosts. Maybe. I mean, there’s at least a chance she just doesn’t show up, right? All I’m saying is that if I was Lorne Michaels, I’d have Tara Reid on standby. You’d barely even have to change the jokes. (Musical guest Jack White.)

Blue Bloods (CBS, Friday) – The 16th most popular show in America airs at 10 p.m. on a Friday night. We, as a country, need to get out more.

The Fast and the Furious (Bravo, Friday) – Over the past year or so, I’ve become fascinated by cable channels playing movies that seemingly have nothing to do with the rest of the shows on their schedule. (Previous example – CMT playing Dangerous Minds.) An action movie about street racing airing on a channel mostly aimed at women and gay men falls squarely into that category.

GCB (ABC, Sunday) – Series premiere. The show stars Leslie Bibb (Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby) and is based on the book Good Christian Bitches. I wonder what “GCB” stands for. Probably something like “Great College Bands” or “Giant California Boas.” Welp, I guess we’ll never know.

The Good Wife (CBS, Sunday) – Josh Charles has one hell of a schnoz.

The Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) – You can either watch this episode on Sunday night, or just go to the AMC website between now and then to see if they’ll just tell you what’s going to happen. Could be a real timesaver.

Luck/Eastbound & Down/Life’s Too Short (HBO, Sunday) – I’m going to be very sad when “Eastbound and Down” is over for good. Treasure it while you can, people.

Shameless/House of Lies/Californication (Showtime, Sunday) – Showtime is a network I really appreciate. The shows they’ve created over the years, I don’t really watch them. But the fact that they’re making them? I respect that.

Read the rest of this entry »