Asking a woman to marry you on national television seems like it should be a low risk, big reward opportunity. I mean: What woman would turn you down in front of millions of people? At the very least, you’d expect that she’d say yes, even if she didn’t mean it, and change her mind while you’re standing at the altar, which is still less humiliating than being DENIED on national television. But that’s exactly what happened to a nice gentlemen who was STUPID enough to ask a question he didn’t know the answer to in front of a live studio audience millions of older women at home watching “Ellen.”

But wait? Why did they awkwardly cut away? The poor guy. He not only gets turned down in front of millions, but Ellen compounds his humiliation by ringing a bell and triggering a Pavlovian reaction in the audience, which starts madly clapping, oblivious to the guy right next to them picking up his broken heart like shattered glass. I’d feel for the guy if it weren’t so tremendously hilarious.

The real question is WHY? Why did she say no? Was it because he’s bald? Or is it that tacky sweater? Or is it BECAUSE HE ASKED HER ON “ELLEN”?

(Via Buzzfeed)

Last year, Ellen Degeneres sent one of her staff writers, Amy Rhodes, into a haunted house, and her terrified screaming had me laughing all day. This year, Ellen sent Amy to another haunted house with her mother, and it’s instantly clear that being terrified of people in zombie makeup is genetic. I don’t know why I find terrified women so hilarious, but it probably has something to do with my abusive father :(

Just kidding, my dad’s great. For a violent alcoholic. Anyway, the first four minutes of this video are definitely worth your time, then it turns into a blatant advertisement for Groupon. Tone it down, Groupon, you’re already my #1 source for getting discounted meals that are still too expensive for me.

[via BuzzFeed]

As we’ve already seen, “Two and a Half Men’s” marketing campaign is built around the new cast being naked. I assume that has something to do with why Kutcher was naked on “Ellen” today. I’ve got video below for the ladies out there, but I’m sorry (or happy) to say that there’s generous pixelation of Demi Moore’s meat thermometer.

I was actually going to give Kutcher props for going in front of a studio audience completely nude, but he chickened out and put clothes on for the actual sit-down interview. What a coward.I bet there’s not even anything to see. If he’s anything like his wife, his genitalia is completely hidden with a beaver pelt.

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Earlier this week, Matt wrote about how the Mormon-owned KSL-TV NBC affiliate in Salt Lake City will refuse to air “Playboy Club” when it premieres in the fall. It’s either because they really hated Amber Heard in Drive Angry or, more likely, they believe they’re too pure to be associated with the Playboy brand.

But this isn’t the first time a religious group has gotten righteous and holier-than-thou over a TV show, and it certainly won’t be the last. Click through for ten other examples of TV versus religion. WHO’S YOUR MESSIAH NOW?

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As if the notion of Snooki writing a novel isn’t already laughable enough — her input was given to ghostwriter Valerie Frankel over conference calls — everyone’s favorite be-poufed Oompa-Loompa is upping the hilarity by taking herself seriously:

The pint-size loudmouth - who, now that she’s an author, prefers to be called Nicole – tells the Daily News that “words can’t even describe” what it means to her to have her book on stands.

“I never knew I would write a book!” she gushes, perhaps echoing the sentiments of even the most devout Snooki lovers. “But I’m so happy I did.” [NYDN]

Note: Snooki did not write a book. Wait, sorry: NICOLE didn’t write a book. Tell us more about your life as an author, NICOLE:

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