Absolutely tragic news today: the Comic-Con panel for “Bones” has been canceled. This catastrophic disaster could affect dozens, maybe even hundreds of geeks who were planning to ask David Borneaz a question about “Angel.” Michael Ausiello, the vacant-eyed Billy Bush of entertainment writers who was supposed to moderate the panel, says:

According to a show rep, both Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz are unable to make the trek to San Diego for personal reasons. As a result, the session has been scrapped.

Anyway, lots of other entertainment sites are beefing up their coverage of Comic-Con, with multiple reporters and live Twitter updates and yadda yadda *wank* *fart noise*. My solemn promise to you, the reader, is that I will continue to sit on my couch and be surly about the excessive hype created by obsessive geeks. If I have some extra time, I’ll come up for some new epithets for Ausiello, a fawning moron of staggering incompetence who won’t stop until he’s destroyed the meaning of the word “exclusive.” That’s the real shame of the “Bones” panel being canceled: it would have been a great time to throw rocks and glass bottles at him.

Fox is working on a potential spinoff of forensics procedural “Bones.” The plan is to introduce a recurring character (currently in the casting phase) and use his appearances as a backdoor pilot, also known in Hollywood circles as a “Travolta.” Deadline says…

[The spinoff] would be based on The Locator series of two books written by Richard Greener that centers on Walter Sherman aka “the Locator”. Walter is described as an eccentric, obstreperous and amusing reclusive man in his late 20s-30s with highly sought after abilities to find anything. He is skeptical of every statement and often asks offensive, seemingly irrelevant questions which oddly enough turn out to be extremely relevant.

Tentative title: “Lie to Me House Locator, M.D.”

A former military policeman, Walter knows Agent Booth (David Boreanaz) from their time serving in Iraq together, and the two dislike each other very much. Meanwhile, Dr. Brennan (Emily Deschanel) finds him very intriguing. Walter was injured overseas and suffered brain damage which lead to his honorable discharge, as well as his ever present state of paranoia.

Yup, that’s precisely what happens when veterans have brain injuries. It turns them into borderline autistic savants whose lack of interpersonal skills are sure to entertain viewers. Totally accurate! When they’re not committing suicide, that is. Maybe Fox can make a show about a veteran who gets from place to place more easily after his legs get blown off because he develops THE POWER OF FLIGHT.

I’m not ordinarily into wedding gossip, but this one from the past weekend is interesting: “Bones” star and underrated hottie Emily Deschanel married “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” writer/producer David Hornsby, who also plays Rickety Cricket on the show.

The 33-year-old actress and her writer-actor boyfriend wed in a private ceremony in Los Angeles on Saturday, people.com reports.

Deschanel was decked out in Neil Lane diamonds and said, “I do,” in front of family and friends, including “Bones” co-star David Boreneaz… Deschanel and Hornsby have been together for three years.  [NYDN]

For once, I don’t have anything mean to say. That would be an awesome wedding to go to: “Sunny” cast members to get drunk with, Boreanaz inevitably cheating on someone, and Zooey Deschanel as a bridesmaid. I can only assume that there were at least three stabbings related to guests jockeying for position to hit on her. What, you’ve never been stabbed at a wedding? Trust me, it’s less painful than watching people do the Chicken Dance.

Bones (Fox) — The series celebrates its one hundredth episode. Emily Deschanel is hotter than Zooey. Also, for the girls and Whedonites out there, Nathan Fillion is superior to David Boreanaz.

The Marriage Ref (NBC) — Tonight’s panel features Kathy Griffin, Tracy Morgan, and Nathan Lane. Let’s say, hypothetically, that the studio burned down and everyone inside died. Would it be worth losing Tracy Morgan to get rid of Kathy Griffin? Again: hypothetically. Oh, this flamethrower? I just wear it because it’s comfortable.

Project Runway (Lifetime) — Tonight’s challenge has a circus theme. One of my favorite cheap laughs is whenever I see a clown in real life, I lean over to whomever I’m with and say, “Check out this clown.”

Models of the Runway (Lifetime) — What other kind of models would they be? Models of the Security Checkpoint? Models of the Airport Bar?

Survivor (CBS) — Hey, try not to kill anyone, okay?

Modern Marvels (History) — Soft drinks. Really? Soft drinks are a modern marvel? “HOLY CRAP, HOW DID THESE BUBBLES GET IN HERE?”

Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo) — Bethenny and Ramona have an argument while walking across the Brooklyn Bridge. I’ve got an easy solution to that. *holds up two cement blocks and a length of rope*

Tonight, Fox will air the highly somewhat anticipated episode of “Bones” that guest stars Zooey Deschanel as Emily Deschanel’s second cousin. I’ve never managed to actually sit through an entire episode of “Bones,” but I still enjoyed the video below, which shows Emily and Zooey talking about the episode while the rest of the cast looking at them sideways and says “Maaaaaaaaaake ouuuuuuuuuuuuut” under their breath. I mean, probably. I’m sure the mics just didn’t pick it up.

And in the Great Deschanel Debate that will eventually lead to World War III, the video is definitely a battle won decisively by Team Emily. She’s absolutely glowing here, while Zooey looks merely cute. Pfffft, cute don’t play in the big leagues, honey. Cute don’t pay the bills. Well, unless you run the Daily Puppy. Then cute probably pays the bills.

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