You guys are never going to believe this, but a lot of people who appear on television for a living put on nice clothes to go to the Emmys last night. I’ll let you get to clicking through the pictures in a moment, but here’s a general overlook:

• Before you ask: yes, there are pictures of Christina Hendricks’s mountainous cleavage.
• There will be absolutely no discussion of the cleavage displayed by Ariel Winter (Alex on “Modern Family”). She’s 13. If I’m gonna get arrested for something like that, it’ll be for Chloe Moretz.
• Because I am occasionally not a total chauvinist pervert, I have included pictures of handsome male actors. Props to my lady readers.
• As I log more and more years in the blogging game, I’m less enamored with the “This beautiful actress is ugly” thing that bloggers and commenters like to do. They’re famous actors; I would happily have sex with any of them. Even Melissa McCarthy. Even Peter Dinklage. Even — and this will gross some people out — Gwyneth Paltrow.

All right. Get to clickin’. Those pageviews feed me.

So Minka Kelly has a body like this, and then wears something that covers it all up? Screw you Minka Kelly. Go take some classes from Julie Bowen.

Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

I of course love Sofia Vergara, but listening to her talk, I realized something last night: if she were any less hot, she’d be the Colombian Fran Drescher.

Oh man. Paz, what a disaster. The lipstick makes me think that she’s trying to look like a hooker that’s been strangled to death, which, now that I think about it, is actually pretty hot. Well done!

She purdy.

She’s the Madonna of acting, minus that part of my life where I masturbated to her.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT.

Seriously, Don Draper and Raylan Givens? I’d sell a child into slavery to be in this picture.

PIMP.

Now that we’ve all vented about who won and who got shafted in the awards department, let’s take a look at the best and worst parts of last night’s Emmys telecast.

Overall, it wasn’t too miserable to watch, but that may have something to do with me constantly flipping over to Sunday Night Football to get updates on Michael Vick throwing up blood. But Jane Lynch was sharp without going into Gervais “people get offended because he’s mean” territory, and there were enough little pieces I enjoyed before the show grinded to a halt during the awards for miniseries and TV movies. Let’s take a closer look at what did (and didn’t) work.

You can skip the first four minutes of this video and just start watching Lynch’s brief interaction with Nick Offerman as Ron Swanson before the video’s highlight: her time in the offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce.

BURN.

(GIFs via)

The word on the street is that this was Amy Poehler’s idea, which makes sense because Amy Poehler is amazing.

FOUR times we had to watch reputable actors and Wilmer Valderrama singing like a high school a capella group. Joel McHale deserves better. And Wilmer Valderrama deserves much worse.

This was in reaction to “The Daily Show’s” ninth consecutive win for variety/music/comedy series.

There’s a lot to enjoy here: Michael Bolton’s ill-fitting pirate goatee; John Stamos and Ed Helms filling in for Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake; the Lonely Island guys air-humping William H. Macy; Akon’s woefully out of tune performance. It was all so slap-dash and bananas that I couldn’t help but enjoy it.

“Oh look, a movie star with an Emmy! How novel!”

Miniseries and TV movies can occasionally make for exceptional television (see: “Band of Brothers,” “Generation Kill”), but it’s long past time the miniseries/movie awards got relegated to the non-televised portion of the awards. As it stands now, nearly one-third of the Emmys telecast is dedicated to non-events like “Downton Abbey” and “Mildred Pierce.” For an awards show that’s trying to broaden its appeal, showcasing the nooks and crannies of HBO’s programming is a stupid idea.

Ladies and gentlemen… THE CANADIAN TENORS! Watch as they sing a pop-harmonized version of a Leonard Cohen song! Also: SMOKE MACHINE!!!

The Emmys were last night, and I’m going to have several posts talking about various aspects of the show and which actresses had the best cleavage and whatnot. But first, let’s talk about who won (and didn’t win) the little wingèd statues.

I’ve got a full list of winners below (with my sparkling commentary, of course), but here’s the short version: “Modern Family” is the only sitcom Emmy voters watch; Margo Martindale and Peter Dinklage got awesome wins for “Justified” and “Game of Thrones”; “Mad Men’s” sole Emmy was its fourth straight win for Best Drama; and “Friday Night Lights” finally got some recognition with wins for writing and lead actor (Kyle Chandler).

Outstanding Comedy Series
The Big Bang Theory
Glee
Modern Family (Winner)
The Office
Parks And Recreation
30 Rock

Make no mistake: “Modern Family” is an excellent show. It’s well-written and well-acted, and I understand that its appeal as a family comedy is broader than that of other series. But the only time “Modern Family” nominees lost last night were when they lost to other “Modern Family” nominees.

Outstanding Drama Series
Boardwalk Empire
Dexter
Friday Night Lights
Game Of Thrones
The Good Wife
Mad Men (Winner)

Works for me. “Mad Men” was probably most deserving, but it would’ve been nice to see “Friday Night Lights” get a nod.

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory (Winner)
Johnny Galecki as Leonard Hofstadter, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc as Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Louis C.K. as Louie, Louie
Steve Carell as Michael Scott, The Office
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Naturally, my choice would be Louis C.K., but it was a miracle he was even nominated. The real crime here, as noted by “Parks and Rec” showrunner (and former “Office” writer) Michael Schur:

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson, Boardwalk Empire
Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan, Dexter
Kyle Chandler as Coach Eric Taylor, Friday Night Lights (Winner)
Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House, House
Timothy Olyphant as Raylan Givens, Justified
Jon Hamm as Don Draper, Mad Men

A crowded field, even with the absence of three-time winner Bryan Cranston due to “Breaking Bad’s” prolonged absence. Olyphant was terrific in “Justified’s” stellar second season, and Hamm has never been better as Don Draper, but I can’t begrudge Coach Taylor finally getting some recognition. Clear hearts and all that.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Laura Linney as Cathy Jamison, The Big C
Melissa McCarthy as Molly Flynn, Mike & Molly (Winner)
Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope, Parks And Recreation
Martha Plimpton as Virginia Chance, Raising Hope
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

The nominees assembling onstage like beauty pageant finalists was one of the highlights of the night (and Amy Poehler’s idea), but what bothers me is that there were only two comedy categories where “Modern Family” didn’t have a nominee, and the winners were Jim Parsons and Melissa McCarthy, who’s good but clearly got the award because Emmy voters liked Bridesmaids.

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Connie Britton as Tami Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick, The Good Wife (Winner)
Kathy Bates as Harriet “Harry” Korn, Harry’s Law
Mireille Enos as Sarah Linden, The Killing
Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit
Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson, Mad Men

At least it wasn’t Kathy Bates?

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell Pritchett, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker, Modern Family
Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy, Modern Family (Winner)
Jon Cryer as Alan Harper, Two and a Half Men

Yup, four of the best six male supporting actors in televised comedy are on “Modern Family.” Certainly not Nick Offerman or Danny Pudi.

F*ck you, TV Academy.

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister, Game of Thrones (Winner)
Josh Charles as Will Gardner, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming as Eli Gold, The Good Wife
Walton Goggins as Boyd Crowder, Justified
John Slattery as Roger Sterling, Mad Men
Andre Braugher as Owen, Men of a Certain Age

I loved seeing Dinklage win, although I have to deduct a couple points for him calling Goggins “Walter” as he acknowledged the other nominees. C’mon, man! He was equally deserving of that Emmy, get his name right.

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester, Glee
Betty White as Elka Ostrosky, Hot in Cleveland
Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy, Modern Family (Winner)
Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig as Various characters, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski as Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock

At least it wasn’t Betty White?

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Kelly Macdonald as Margaret Schroeder, Boardwalk Empire
Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale as Mags Bennett, Justified (Winner)
Michelle Forbes as Mitch Larsen, The Killing
Christina Hendricks as Joan Harris, Mad Men

F YEAH MAGS BENNETT.

Next page: all the miniseries/movie awards, writing awards, reality stuff, et cetera.

The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards (Fox, Sunday) — Jane Lynch hosts. I suppose, as a TV blogger, I should give more coverage to TV’s most prestigious awards show. On the other hand, I’ll take the Emmys seriously when they give me a reason to take them seriously.

Breaking Bad (AMC, Sunday) — I’ve said this before in other outlets, but even though I watch “Breaking Bad” and appreciate how good it is, I don’t particularly like watching it. For me, it’s like a Cormac McCarthy novel: I can acknowledge its brilliance while not necessarily enjoying its dark, bleak portrayal of humanity.

Sweet Karma (Showtime, Friday) — From the LA Times: “This gritty 2009 Canadian-made crime drama stars model-turned-actress Shera Bechard (inset) as a mute young Russian woman who infiltrates the underground sex trade in Toronto to avenge her sister’s death.” Model? Mute? Sex trade? SOLD! FYI, a cursory Google will reveal that Shera is exceptionally adept at showering.

2011 NCLR ALMA Awards (NBC, Friday) — George Lopez and Eva Longoria co-host this awards show honoring Latino performs. Just give everything to Sofia Vergara.

Karaoke Battle USA (ABC, Friday) — Hosted by Joey Fatone! Carnie Wilson’s on the judges panel! Oh, what did we do to please the television gods?

Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO, Friday) — Season premiere. Frankly, I find this just as distasteful and grating as the crap on Fox News, because Maher embodies the haughty condescension the political right always accuses the left of possessing.

Earlier this week, our briefly departed tyrannical leader, Mr. Ufford, posted an article about how bookmakers Paddy Power have given odds on how Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, will depart “Two and a Half Men.” Gambling on TV shows, particularly when it involves death, isn’t all that different from putting money on a sports game because you have no idea what the outcome is going to be (“WILL TONY DIE?” ASKS 2007). Unless you work for the show, or know someone who works for the show, or have access to a screener, or…

So it’s completely unlike a sports game, which is why there aren’t many opportunities to do it (with the exception of reality shows—ironically, I hear season two “American Idol” winner Ruben Studdard was last seen hanging outside of an OTB in Fresno). On the following pages are a few examples of bets that you could have placed on scripted series, with a last page bonus of the odds for this year’s Emmys.

Let the neon claws of Gamblor guide you.

The last time we checked in with Kurt Sutter, the notoriously quick-tempered ”Sons of Anarchy” showrunner had turned over a new leaf, promising to avoid talking about award snubs and to stop calling people the C-word in vitriolic rants. Here’s a sample of what he wrote three weeks ago:

So, I’ve decided for the good of the village, it’s best if I drop out of all award conversation.  Past, present and future.  And all critic/review conversation as well. [...]

I guess the point of this entry… is to say that I now understand the shortcomings of my bombastic rants.  Although outrageous and entertaining to some, they really serve no greater good.  I’ll never effect change with the word “c*nt”.

Then the Emmy nominations came out yesterday, and there was no recognition for “Sons of Anarchy” or Sutter’s wife, Katey Sagal, who often appears in awards discussion (and was ignored by the Emmys last year despite a heartwrenchingly excellent performance in Season 2 of “SOA”).

Now, showrunners react to snubs in different ways. David Simon (“Treme,” ‘The Wire”) seems unaware of their existence. “Community” creator Dan Harmon wrote a heartwarming story about meeting Midnight Run writer George Gallo. Sutter turned to Twitter, where he shared a series of candid thoughts, jokes about the Academy, and spicy language. What follows is a selection of his tweets — in order — after the Emmy nominations came out. Warning: if you’re offended by foul language, don’t click through.

If David Simon’s coming along, I’d expect someone to buy a nail gun as well.

Yes.

Not true. I like ALL of Kurt’s foul language.

Sutter followed this with a tweet correcting the spelling of “ammonia.” I respect that.

Awww, way to salt his game, Academy. This rant is totally justified.

I have to say, I admire Sutter’s anger and candor. I mean, sure, he might be dangerously imbalanced, but I prefer my creative types to be pissed off. They do better work that way.

/clicks “refresh” on Sutter’s blog 100 times

Isn’t that how Mormons do it?

Much preferable to anything we might hear from Billy Bush.

Great response from “Lost” showrunner Damon Lindelof.

Vegan pudding? So that’s how he stays angry all the time.

Whoa, hey. Can’t we do both? I’m just a media whore whose business is good fun.

Listen, the Emmys are stupid. I know this. You know this. But every year we hope against hope that the reigning awards show for TV excellence will find some sort of consistency — if not in picking winners, then at least in the nomination process. And every year we end up dazed and flat on our backs: Charlie Brown after another failed kickoff.

With that in mind, the nominations for the 63rd Emmys (see list below) were announced this morning, and more than anything I’m confused by what thought process, if any, governs the actions of the Academies of Television Arts & Sciences. I don’t understand why the excellence of “Mad Men” and “Breaking Bad” was recognized from their inceptions, while “The Wire” received one nomination during its five-year run on HBO. Emmy voters fall all over themselves to (rightfully) acknowledge “Modern Family,” but have seemingly never heard of “Community.” It’s maddening.

But getting all pissed off about television awards is a pretty goddam meaningless exercise in futility, so instead I’ll focus on the positives: the brilliant Peter Dinklage received a nomination for “Game of Thrones;” the trio at the heart of  ”Justified’s” excellent second season — Timothy Olyphant, Walton Goggins, and Margo Martindale — each received a nom; and “Friday Night Lights” received due recognition in its final season. I will try not to think about Nick Offerman’s snub or how “Community” was shut out, because I’d prefer not to have a brain embolism at the age of 32.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama
Archie Panjabi, “The Good Wife”
Margo Martindale, “Justified”
Christina Hendricks, “Mad Men”
Kelly Macdonald, “Boardwalk Empire”
Christina Baranski, “The Good Wife”
Michelle Forbes, “The Killing”

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama
Alan Cumming, “The Good Wife”
John Slattery, “Mad Men”
Peter Dinklage, “Game of Thrones”
Andre Braugher, “Men of a Certain Age”
Walton Goggins, “Justified”
Josh Charles, “The Good Wife”

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy
Betty White, “Hot in Cleveland”
Jane Lynch, “Glee”
Sofia Vergara, “Modern Family”
Julie Bowen, “Modern Family”
Kristen Wiig, “Saturday Night Live”
Jane Krakowski, “30 Rock”

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy
Chris Colfer, “Glee”
Eric Stonestreet, “Modern Family”
Ed O’Neill, “Modern Family”
Ty Burrell, “Modern Family”
Jon Cryer, “Two and a Half Men”
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, “Modern Family”

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama
Julianna Margulies, “The Good Wife”
Elisabeth Moss, “Mad Men”
Mariska Hargitay, “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”
Connie Britton, “Friday Night Lights”
Kathy Bates, “Harry’s Law”
Mireille Enos, “The Killing”

Outstanding Lead Actor A Drama
Jon Hamm, “Mad Men”
Michael C. Hall, “Dexter”
Hugh Laurie, “House”
Kyle Chandler, “Friday Night Lights”
Steve Buscemi, “Boardwalk Empire”
Timothy Olyphant, “Justified”

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy
Laura Linney, “The Big C”
Edie Falco, “Nurse Jackie”
Tina Fey, “30 Rock”
Amy Poehler, “Parks and Recreation”
Melissa McCarthy, “Mike & Molly”
Martha Plimpton, “Raising Hope”

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy
Steve Carell, “The Office”
Alec Baldwin, “30 Rock”
Jim Parsons, “The Big Bang Theory”
Matt LeBlanc, “Episodes”
Louis C.K., “Louie”
Johnny Galecki, “The Big Bang Theory”

Outstanding Drama Series“Mad Men”
“The Good Wife”
“Dexter”
“Boardwalk Empire”
“Game of Thrones”
“Friday Night Lights”

Outstanding Comedy Series
“Modern Family”
“Glee”
“30 Rock”
“The Office”
“Parks and Recreation”
“The Big Bang Theory”

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
“Cinema Verite”
“Downton Abbey”
“The Kennedys”
“Mildred Pierce”
“The Pillars of the Earth”
“Too Big to Fail”

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie
Taraji P. Henson, “Taken From Me”
Diane Lane, “Cinema Verite”
Jean March, “Upstairs, Downstairs”
Elizabeth McGovern, “Downton Abbey”
Kate Winslet, “Mildred Pierce”

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie
Idris Elba, “Luther”
Laurence Fisburne, “Thurgood”
William Hurt, “Too Big To Fail”
Greg Kinnear, “The Kennedys”
Barry Pepper, “The Kennedys”
Edgar Ramirez, “Carlos”

Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Series
Tom Bergeron
Cat Deeley
Phil Keoghan
Jeff Probst
Ryan Seacrest

Outstanding Reality Competition Program
“The Amazing Race”
“American Idol”
“Dancing with the Stars”
“Project Runway”
“So You Think You Can Dance”
“Top Chef”

Outstanding Variety, Music or Comedy Series
“The Colbert Report”
“Conan”
“The Daily Show”
“Late Night with Jimmy Fallon”
“Real Time With Bill Maher”
“Saturday Night Live” [compiled by HitFix]

For 364 days a year, everyone who works in Hollywood sleeps until 11 a.m., lounges poolside for an hour, then has a long lunch before starting their workday around 2 p.m., thus ensuring that no entertainment news happens until the end of this blogger’s workday on the East Coast. The annual exception: the announcement of Emmy nominations, which can be seen via webcast this coming Thursday at 8:30 a.m Eastern/5:30 Pacific.

This year, the nominations will be announced by Bridesmaids star Melissa McCarthy, and in the video below, Joel McHale — who read the nominations last year — takes her through a training montage to prepare her for the job. The “training” is comprised of McCarthy folding McHale’s laundry, washing his car, getting punched in the face, and catching a chicken, so it’s not exactly the most vital of Internet videos. But it’s got McHale in full-on charming dickbag mode, and it’s been a while since I’ve indulged in that particular man-crush, so there you go.

Oh, and while we’re on the subject of Emmy nominations: MARTINDALE AND OLYPHANT OR GTFO.

Last year, CBS enjoyed a bump in Emmy ratings when it picked Neil Patrick Harris, a charismatic star from one of its sitcoms, to host the awards show. This year, Fox looks to do the same with “Glee” star Jane Lynch, who may be approved by TV’s board of governors as soon as tomorrow.

Lynch already did a good job for Fox hosting the network’s upfront presentations for the past two years as her Glee character Sue Sylvester. With her background as an actress/comedian and singer, Lynch had emerged as a top choice for the hosting gig. [Fox also] considered Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, who has hosted roasts and can sing too, but he would’ve probably kept network censors with their fingers ready on the mute button every time he speaks. [Deadline]

I think Lynch is a great choice, and not just because I like all my awards shows hosted by gays. In fact, she’s probably my favorite lesbian performer (after perhaps Amber Heard). Lynch has a great skill set for hosting the Emmys, most notably her withering sarcasm and the way she isn’t Ellen Degeneres.

This was the last of the Emmy highlights that I enjoyed: in a pre-recorded segment, the cast of “Modern Family” reacts to corporate stuffed suit who throws out ideas to improve the Emmy-winning comedy. It starts off a little slowly — Stewie from “Family Guy” wore out his welcome long ago — but it picks up some steam (Sofia Vergara in 3-D? Yes please) and finishes strong with George Clooney. Most things with George Clooney finish strong, according to women’s desires and an article I read People Magazine.

So that’s that. If you missed the Emmys last night, you can read all the results and watch all the highlights in a span of about 15 minutes here at Warming Glow. I just saved you two hours and 45 minutes. Unless you actually watched the Emmys, in which case you didn’t have anything better going on anyway.

(Special thanks to bohemea and suicideblonde, who captured many of the Emmy images used here today)