“Desperate Housewives” is America’s leading show at taking sexy concepts and getting important details wrong, from lesbian kissing between old ladies to the Dana Delany lesbian dream sequence about Julie Benz’s ex-stripper character. But really, all I ever wanted from the show was for Eva Longoria to be on a stripper pole.

And that’s just what “Housewives” will deliver this Sunday — kind of. As the video at EW shows, Gaby Solis (Longoria) gets some pole-dancing lessons because her husband can’t get a boner, and then she falls on her head. Whoa, I think my computer’s overheating from too much sexiness!

Screencaps of the scene are on the following pages — IF YOU CAN HANDLE THE ILLICIT MATERIAL.

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Outside the Dusty Vaj Saloon

The four stars of “Desperate Housewives” — Teri Hatcher, Felicity Huffman, Marcia Cross, and Eva Longoria — are close to finalizing a deal that will pay them each more than $300,000 an episode to continue the ABC dramedy for an eighth season, with a network option for a ninth season that would raise their pay even higher.

With the quartet on board, ABC will renew the show for an eighth season, though it is unclear whether that will happen right away or closer to the May upfronts.

[The stars'] new base salary would be around $325,000 per episode, up from about $275,000 under their most recent deals. (Reports have erroneously pegged their previous salaries at $400,000.) With additional compensation, including back-end and bonuses, the actresses’ paychecks are expected to go up as high as $375,000 per episode. If their options for Season 9 are exercised, their base salary is slated to go up to around $350,000, plus other incentives. If Desperate Housewives goes to nine seasons, which has been creator Marc Cherry’s vision for the show, the four leading ladies’ entire compensation package for the next two seasons is valued at close to $18 million for each. [Deadline]

Listen, it’s awesome that there’s a show that stars actresses who not so long ago would have been considered too old to headline a big-time network drama. Hooray feminism! Furthermore, as we learned from Charlie Sheen, there’s nothing equitable or explicable about TV salaries and the worth of the actors who earn them.

But I think what blows my mind about this is that I don’t know a single person who watches this show. My mom is too intelligent and a little too old to be in the target demographic, and every other woman I know is hip and has taste. But somewhere out there in this great big country of ours are nine million 48-year-old women who apparently watch “Desperate Housewives.” And so I’ll say it again: I should be put in charge of population control in the United States. I’d make fascism way cooler than it’s ever been.

In what can only be an elaborate prank, TV Guide has named Eva Longoria-Parker television’s sexiest female star, and will put her on the cover next week of the March 26 issue.  Yeah man, I don’t get it, either.

Parker was honored, yet floored, by the vote, considering her character Gaby has looked so frumpy on the show this season. “I think the timing for this is pretty funny actually, but also really great,” Longoria Parker told TV Guide.[...]

On “sexy,” according to her favorite Spur. “My husband (three-time NBA champ Tony Parker) thinks I’m at my sexiest the first thing in the morning. He says looking over at me as I’m waking up is his favorite thing — and how can a girl not love that?”

Oh yeah, she’s a real angel without makeup.  Just a real natural beauty.

I can think of about 100 different women that would be a better choice than her, starting with anyone else.  Literally anyone else.  I would take my chance that any woman on television selected at random would be sexier than Eva Longoria-Parker.  There aren’t that many fatties on TV.

As previously reported, “Desperate Housewives” planned to Durst the shark with lesbian kisses between its aging stars, and on Sunday night the big gay smooches finally happened.  The NY Post’s LIVE blog even got us the images, although I’m afraid it may be too edgy and sexy for most readers.

When Susan (Teri Hatcher) invites her boss Jessie (Swoosie Kurtz) over for dinner, Jessie misreads Susan’s intentions and plants a lingering kiss on the housewife.

After, Susan turns to her neighbors for some friendly advice on the touchy subject. Gabby (Eva Longoria Parker) locks lips with Susan – twice – to help demonstrate the difference between an innocent, and an intended, kiss on her confused gal pal.

Oh, no!  My monitor’s fogging up from that steamy, illicit news!  This is hardly the wholesome family entertainment I expect from ABC.  I have no choice now but to boycott “Desperate Housewives.”  By which I mean “continue not watching it.”

“Desperate Housewives” is the latest show to jump up and down and wave its arms to get your attention, as it has employed the classic last gasp to avoid cancellation: the lesbian kiss.  The once-hot Teri Hatcher and the always annoying Eva Longoria will share an unsexy kiss in an upcoming episode.  Because what suburban neighborhood doesn’t have moms kissing each other?

“I did not kiss her. She kissed me,” Hatcher told Us. “We had fun.”

(Parker previously told Us, “Well, I’m a great kisser. She was not supposed to kiss back, so she was kind of just there, and I had to do all the work.)

I despise the term jump the shark, so I think it’s time that we supplanted it with lesbian kiss.  Like, “Man, ‘Lost’ really lesbian kissed with the time travel stuff.”  Or, “I enjoyed ‘The O.C.’ until it lesbian kissed.”  Not that lesbian kissing is a bad thing.  I just prefer to watch it on the Internet.  In my room.  By myself.