Please trust that I would never, ever inflict “American Idol” upon you without good reason. Up until today, I hadn’t seen a second of the show since all the changes, and I’m in increasingly large company (ratings for the premiere this year were down 27 percent from last year’s premiere).

HOWEVER, I will temporarily lift my personal ban on all things “American Idol” for this, because it’s pretty g*ddam great. This guy — Reed Grimm, a 26-year-old Wisconsin man — sings the “Family Matters” theme, and it is Urkelicious. So, before you chastise me for RUINING Warming Glow with “American Idol” clips, give it a listen. If you don’t agree, THEN you can chastise.

Score another one for local news: this report from CBS affiliate WREG-3 details how Memphis’s Westside Middle School has implemented the “Urkel Initiative,” in which students who wear their pants too low are punished by getting their pants hiked up to their navels and zip-tied in place. “About durn time,” said your racist grandpa.

Anyway, I try my best to understand that kids are inclined to like stupid fashion trends — after all, I survived an era that indulged in the tight French-roll cuff on jeans, as well as the short-lived Kris Kross backward-clothes trend — but I just can’t wrap my head around why it’s cool to not have your pants all the way on. Damn kids! GET OFF MY LAWN!

[BuzzFeed]

This video, from TGIF staple “Family Matters,” features two evil puppets dancing to a 90s hip hop beat. Ladies and gentleman, this is what we call entertainment. Furthermore, in one of the most awe-inspiring bits of creativity since my four year old cousin named her fish “Fishy,” the evil/bad puppets (modeled after Steve and Carl) are named Steevil and Carlsbad. This would be cute and non-infuriating if the writers who created it had not received a hefty salary and WGA benefits. But I digress.  (“Digress” means “cry into a discount tear bucket,” right?  *sigh*  One day, when my number comes in, I’ll be able to afford a real tear bucket.)

Anyway, this hilariously contrived supernatural plotline in the otherwise grounded family sitcom reminded me of another hilariously contrived plotline in this otherwise grounded sitcom. When Steve Urkel concocted a chemical compound called Boss Sauce and transformed into super cool Stefan Urquelle:

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Nobody wanted or asked for an acoustic emo version of the theme to “Family Matters,” yet here it is, ready to transform our hands from creative tools into balled fists of vengeance and destruction. If you must watch this — and really, it’s the kind of terrible that needs to be shared with others — I suggest doing so away from sharp objects. I don’t want any innocent bystanders to get hurt.

If you need to cleanse your palate after that (yes, ears have palates. Look it up), here’s the original. I always appreciate my memories of ABC’s TGIF lineup from the ’90s, because shows like “Family Matters” and “Full House” were the first TV programs I ever hated. Little did I know that hating crappy TV shows would become a job requirement. Hating crappy shows, but not wearing pants. Go figure.

Gallery: 1988 in Los Angeles is currently hosting an exhibit called Idiot Box Artwork, in which all of the shown pieces are inspired by “television’s guilty pleasures.”  A good deal of it is super-duper vomit-in-your-sleep scary, but we’ll get to that in a moment.  First, let’s talk about “Knight Rider vs. Air Wolf.”  It sold for a mere $125, when it’s very obviously a million-dollar idea.

The full selection (with prices) is available here, but I’ve pulled some of the creepier images for the gallery below.  “Saved by the Bell” is pretty twisted, but the Urkel portrait is what’s really going to make me sew my eyes shut.  I’d actually rather watch an entire episode of “Family Matters” than look at that again.