Below is a Kickstarter video made by a “Simpsons” fan who created a pixelated model of Springfield made entirely from tiny perler beads. Now completed, the 10-foot by 4-foot model has over 130,000 hand-placed beads, and you can see its unveiling on April 2nd in Queens, assuming you’re not too busy arguing about the physics of interstellar travel on “Star Trek” message boards.

Honestly, though, I’m not the kind of person who should criticize how people use their time. I spent almost half an hour today making a Photoshop of Jesus pole-dancing.

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This photo of “Lost” stars Evangeline Lilly, Daniel Dae Kim, and Nestor Carbonell (plus bonus canine cuteness) was posted on Lilly’s Twitter feed, which was then shared on the “Lost” message board 4815162342.com. Try to guess what one Lostie did when he saw that picture. (Hint: if you guessed “bitched about spoilers,” you get a gold star.)

crow216: I know i’m being a complete tool here…but this is a spoiler to me. I did NOT want to see Richard the way he looks.
DaBooty1: what do you mean by “the way he looks”? with a beard? are you kidding? we don’t know where or why this picture was taken, it is far from a spoiler.
crow216: Well, if you are posting it now, are we to assume that it’s a new picture? If that’s a new picture and Richard is on set with a beard….Yes, yes it’s a spoiler and a big one.
crow216: the comments start on 3/15. I’m fairly certain it’s a recent photo. If you guys agree it’s not a spoiler then it’s fine but I sincerely hope not…..because that would fn stink that I just saw that.

Or, you know, maybe he didn’t have to shoot any scenes for a week and simply didn’t shave. But no, I’m probably just not obsessing over details enough. “HIS BEARD HOLDS THE SECRETS OF THE ISLAND!!!! Now the show is ruined for me, RUINED I say! How was I to know that a fan message board might share information about a show I want no new information about whatsoever?”

Now, granted, if you read the whole thread, you’ll see that the slightly less bitchy and insane fans talk some sense into “crow216.” But be warned, side effects of reading the whole thread include eye-rolling, headaches, and (eventually) drooling. Consult your doctor before clicking over there.

(Thanks to Clement for braving that message board so I didn’t have to.)

Close the door and buckle your sweatpants, nerds, because this is the coolest mash-up I’ve seen in ages: “Battlestar Galactica” set to the Beastie Boys’ “Sabotage,” with the scenes cut to mirror the iconic ’90s/faux-’70s music video (see the incredible side-by-side video below, via BuzzFeed).

Now, granted, I may be overhyping the coolness slightly because “Sabotage” automatically makes anything 30% better (seriously, try having sex while it’s playing on your stereo). But I doubt it. As someone who rarely spends more than an hour writing anything, the time that must have gone into making this video is mind-boggling to me. The only way you could improve this concept is if it was three minutes of Tricia Helfer pole-dancing set to “Sabotage.” It wouldn’t be as faithful to the Beasties’ video, but then, it wouldn’t need to be, now would it?

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Dear Insanely Passionate “Lost” Fans,

Hey, how ya doin’? I hope I’m not intruding on a discussion of whether Carlton Cuse and Damon Lindelof are the greatest men to walk the Earth or merely Christlike. Speaking of Christ, have you noticed all the heavy-handed crucifixion symbolism? Oh, of course you have. You notice everything.

I’m writing to you today on behalf of people who watch and enjoy “Lost” but aren’t, you know, totally drinking the Cuse-Lindelof Kool-Aid. (You may, if you wish, refer to us as “the Others.”) Like, maybe we checked out during Season 3 because it kinda sucked. Or maybe the time travel last season was a bit much to swallow. Or we think that a lot of the character interaction feels stilted and fake. Or maybe — and I know this is a cruel thing to suggest — we think that all the far-fetched ideas are entertaining, but it’s all just stuff the show’s writers have pulled out of their asses under the pressure of a deadline. In other words: the possibility exists that there’s no grand puzzle, merely some unnecessarily complex mumbo-jumbo designed to ensnare viewers who are predisposed to mysteries beyond the realm of Newtonian physics.

And that’s cool if that’s your thing. We all need hobbies, and obsessing over “Lost” is certainly healthier than drowning kittens. But I’m writing today to draw a line in the sand, Losties. Because, let’s face it, you people are the most annoying genre fans ON THE ENTIRE PLANET.

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Look, I’m going to watch the season premiere of “Lost” tonight. I’m even looking forward to it. But I’m on The Onion’s side of the debate: the rabid insanity of the show’s fans makes me more critical of the show than I would be otherwise. For example, watch the latest promo for the show above. There are fan sites that preface this video with “spoiler alert” solely because it reveals never-before-seen footage of the final season. Never mind that there’s nothing revealed that actually spoils a plot point; “Lost” fans MUST NOT KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT THE NEW SEASON LEST IT RUIN THEIR PRISTINE VIEWING EXPERIENCE.

Anyway, let’s dive into some relevant links and news items to celebrate this day. The government should make today a holiday. What do you mean, it is a holiday? Well, screw that groundhog.

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