Honestly, a police car’s dash-cam catching video of a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket would be enough to make my day. But what makes this so much better is that it’s a news report about a cat crawling up a cop’s leg and sitting on his head while he writes a ticket. Watch as the intrepid reporter investigates the scene of the incident and finds out that OH MY GOD THE CAT IS STILL HERE! And it’s friendly to everyone! Will this menace attack people with allergies? Only time will tell. Back to you, John.
[Urlesque]
My least favorite posts to write are the ones of a political nature, because they never have anything to do with cats and the people involved are almost always ugly. Take, for example, this video in which Bill O’Reilly says to his guest Lou Dobbs:
Final question. Barack Obama: Is he the devil?
My head already hurts just imagining the comments that this post is going to get. Because people who like Obama are going to say that Bill O’Reilly is either insane and/or preposterous and/or moronic, and people who don’t like Obama are going to say that it’s so OBVIOUS that O’Reilly wasn’t serious. And then we’ll talk about Olbermann’s “Worst Person in the World” segment, and the various Satan comparisons that George W. Bush earned, and Jesus Christ why did I choose to go through with this? If anyone needs me I’ll be watching Keyboard Cat videos.
[Buzzfeed]
I don’t watch cable news because I don’t appreciate the absurdly high yelling-to-actual-violence ratio (if you talking heads are gonna shout each other down, at least finish the argument with a knife). But I’ve seen enough clips to get a feel for Glenn Beck, Fox News’s version of a “kind of but not really serious but actually kind of serious” Stephen Colbert. Whether his audience takes him at face value or not, Beck’s anti-intellectual fear-mongering hysteria adds nothing substantive to the nation’s political discourse.
All of that is a way of introducing Jon Stewart’s sudden, unannounced Glenn Beck impression during last night’s “Daily Show” that went on for eight and half minutes. As good as it is, I don’t think I laughed once. I found it more sad than funny. Then I read a list of cats with fraudulent diplomas and pretended the cats were wearing wigs when they received them, and then I felt a lot better.
I watch television in order to be entertained, so I don’t even know what channel I could possibly find my cable news networks. The only MSNBC or Fox News I watch is whatever retardery pops up online (lookin’ at you, Glenn Beck). So I’m admittedly an infrequent watcher of Bill O’Reilly, but I get the impression that he takes the occasional break from his harangues against Obama’s secret army of Muslim reverse vampires (they’re coming!) to launch into some old-fashioned 19th-century-style xenophobia.
On Bill O’Reilly’s list: Amsterdam! There’s public drug use! Fornication everywhere! It’s destroying America! All the way from Holland! It’s your basic Fox News fear-mongering.
Anyway, a kindly Internet user from Amsterdam spliced together some of O’Reilly’s idiocy with things like “facts” and “statistics” to show that people in Holland are safer and less likely to use drugs, probably because they live under a SOCIALIST REGIME THAT TAXES MOST OF THEIR INCOME. Oh, and blonde women in bikinis frolic with dogs in public fountains. That’s really what won the argument for Holland. Hot chicks in bikinis are so persuasive.
I’d be more than happy to take every person who hosts a politicized talk show on a cable network, tie them to an anchor covered in razor blades, and drop them in the Pacific over the Mariana Trench. Olbermann and Bill Maher are impossibly arrogant douchebags, and I’d rather try to F a hungry wolverine than listen to Bill O’Reilly yell at people. But no one is a bigger retard than Glenn Beck.
Watch the video above, and join me in empathizing with this .gif:
(SITE NEWS: The “What’s On Tonight” feature will return on Sunday.)
The charming empty vessels at “Fox and Friends” recently discussed a study that claimed married couples are less likely to develop dementia than aging single people. However, the study was conducted in Finland and Sweden, and as Brian Kilmeade will tell you, the pure genes of the Nordic races means the findings don’t apply to America’s mongrel society.
His meandering screed is so incoherent and unfounded and stupefying and galactically idiotic that I forced myself to transcribe it. Here’s the gist of it, minus an incredulous interjection from Gretchen Carlson:
We, uh… We’re uh… We keep marrying other species and ethnics and uhhh… The Swedes have pure genes, because they marry other Swedes. That’s their role. Finland, Finns marry other Finns, so they have a pure society. In America, we marry everybody. So we marry Italians, Irish, so that [study] does not apply to us.
Thanks, white man from the 19th century! Although to be fair, in response, Hitler was like, “Yeah, totally.”
[Gawker]
