Angry finger-pointer Bill O’Reilly is perhaps smarter than the average Fox News talking head, but he’s never come across as someone with a “conscience” or “soul” or “capable of human feeling.” So it’s not exactly a surprise that he tried to use the Nassau County Police Department as his own personal investigation unit in an attempt to dig up dirt on the police officer sleeping with his estranged wife, Maureen McPhilmy O’Reilly.

According to our source, [Inspector Neil] Delargy offered [Detective Richard] Harasym no justification for investigating the detective—who is unmarried—aside from the alleged infidelity. “The order was to investigate this detective not for any misdeeds,” the source said, “but to see if they could get anything on him. Delargy also told him to tell the detective to back off.”

Delargy told Harasym that the investigation was highly sensitive for two reasons, the source said: 1) It was ordered directly by then-police commissioner Lawrence Mulvey, and 2) O’Reilly was at the time considering making a major donation to the Nassau County Police Department Foundation, a private not-for-profit foundation Mulvey helped found in 2009 to raise money for construction of a planned $48 million police training facility at Nassau Community College. [Gawker]

What? That’s legal, right? If you and your wife get separated, and she starts dating a cop, you can dangle a couple million dollars to the police chief in order to get the cop investigated by internal affairs, right? That’s just capitalism, people. If you don’t like it, you must be one of those SOCIALISTS trying to get medical care.

Glenn Beck announced his impending departure from Fox News in April, and tonight the clown prince of illogical fear-mongering will air his final show. To mark the occasion, Media Matters made this epic video of Beck “highlights,” if you can call them that.

After about a minute and twenty seconds of watching this, my eye started to twitch, but I decided to stick it out because I owe it to you, the reader, to give a fair account of the news and clips I share. But then, 1:49 into the video — this really happened — my computer froze. I couldn’t even ctrl + alt + delete out of Chrome — I had to hold the power button down and restart my laptop. Clearly, my computer’s failure is part of a conspiracy by pretentious technocratic progressives who want to stifle Beck’s egalitarian message of freedom for the common man. And I couldn’t be happier about it.

[via BuzzFeed]

Pundit Dog thinks it's a ruff break for Glenn.

It’s a great year for people who don’t want their political opinions from jackasses flailing around in hysterics: first Keith Olbermann got fired from MSNBC, and now Fox News has just announced that Glenn Beck’s show will leave the air later this year. Fox News and Beck’s Mercury Radio Arts released a joint statement today that mentioned no specific end date for the show and especially vague plans for future projects together.

“Glenn Beck is a powerful communicator, a creative entrepreneur and a true success by anybody’s standards,” said Roger Ailes, Chairman and CEO of Fox News. “I look forward to continuing to work with him.”

“I truly believe that America owes a lot to Roger Ailes and Fox News,” Beck said in a statement. “I cannot repay Roger for the lessons I’ve learned and will continue to learn from him and I look forward to starting this new phase of our partnership.” [via EW]

Of course, there was no mention of how Beck has lost advertisers or how his audience has dropped more than 40% in the cable news demo this year. I’m sure that unspecified plans for future projects with Fox News will have much greater clout than hosting an hour-long news show. *cough* FIRED! *cough cough*

Former Wyoming senator Alan Simpson was on Fox News to talk about something — I don’t know, maybe Social Security? — and because he’s 79 years old, he has no goddam idea what the hell he’s talking about. Move over, Andy Rooney, there’s a new crotchety geezer bitching about kids these days.

The co-chairman of President Obama’s deficit commission tried to scold the elderly on Monday for complaining about their Social Security funds being targeted, but instead he found himself making a reference to “Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg.”

“This is a fakery,” Simpson said on Fox News. “If they care at all about their children or grandchildren, and sometimes I doubt that – I think, you know, grandchildren now don’t write a thank-you for the Christmas presents, they’re walking on their pants with the cap on backwards listening to the enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, and they don’t like them!” [Politico]

I can’t believe that those are words that were actually said by a real human being, and not something I made up during one of my imagined Andy Rooney rants. Honestly, I don’t know why we put up with old people the way we do. Alan Simpson should have been burned for fuel five years ago.

[via Daily Kos and BuzzFeed]

This video is only a minute long, but I could barely tolerate thirty seconds of it. Bill O’Reilly sent a producer for his show to “ambush” Snooki at a book signing, and what ensues is probably the worst thing ever: a stand-off between a producer for “The O’Reilly Factor” and Snooki’s publicist. It’s the human equivalent of a hyena defending a bloated pronghorn corpse from vultures: two repugnant, scavenging animals seeking nourishment from diseased flesh.

As recompense, I offer you the other side of humanity:

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