The Super Bowl (NBC, Sunday) – I’m really hoping it’s a good game, seeing as I’ve already seen all the commercials and I don’t care at all about Madonna’s halftime performance. I make this plea every year, but PLEASE let Wu-Tang do the halftime show next year. No frills, either. Just the house lights and 30 dudes on stage, all of them with live microphones. That would be the best.

Puppy Bowl (Animal Planet, Sunday) – I’ve spoken my piece about this already. You are free to watch if you want. (Full lineup here.)

Luck (HBO, Sunday) – This show looks really promising. I kind of hope War Horse shows up at some point. I love that guy.

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – From TV Guide: “Peter and Olivia are on the trail of a killer equipped with a toxic weapon that defies chronological description.” I have no idea what the end of that sentence means, so I’ll just assume they mean nunchucks and move right along.

Spartacus: Vengeance (Starz, Friday) – Why did we ever stop wearing togas? They’re super comfortable, look cool, and are easy to slip on and off — like some sort of masculine sundress. I would happily wear a toga to formal functions instead of a suit. I’d feel so free and relaxed.

Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) – Say what you will about PBS in general, but if nothing else, I admire them for the ballsiness of running a new episode on Sunday night. “Super Bowl Schmuper Bowl. We’re airing British people! FROM THE EARLY 1900s! Like it or love it, world.”

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – C-Tates preview of this episode, from Burnsy: “Yo girl, u like jokes n sh*t? Check dis, boo – Haha, yo I be C-Tates n sh*t n I’m in dat new movie Da Vow wit Rachel MC Adams, right? But maybe u know me from dat other sh*t like GI Joe n Step Up. But yo girl, I ain’t here 2 save no rec center. Naw, son, I’mma save da 30 Rock center. LIVE FROM ZOO YORK, IT B SATURDAY NIGHT!”

Downton Abbey (PBS) – Did you know that the whole first season of this show is available for free on PBS’s website until the 17th? You didn’t? And you, like me, have really been meaning to get caught up on it because all those stupid smart people keep saying how good it is? Sounds like we’ve got a busy weekend.

Golden Globe Awards (NBC, Sunday) – HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD THAT RICKY GERVAIS IS EDGY AND DOESN’T PULL PUNCHES? I KNOW! SO ZANY. (More importantly, did you know that we’re live-blogging the show over at the Uproxx mothership? I’m gonna get drunk and call Fassbender a wanker. He knows what he did.)

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – What it do, nerds?

Miss America Pageant (ABC, Saturday) – Whatever happened to that one beauty pageant girl who loved to party? You know, the blonde one. I liked her.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Hosted by Daniel Radcliffe, with musical guest Lana Del Rey. I have never seen nor heard anything either of those people have been involved in. I’m okay with that.

Hell on Wheels (AMC, Sunday) – Season finale. I couldn’t really get into this show because one of my history teachers spoiled it for me back in high school when she taught us that the railroad eventually got completed. Same lady ruined Titanic for me. What a bitch.

Napoleon Dynamite (FOX, Sunday) – Series premiere. Kinda weird how every single person from the movie was available to do this cartoon eight years later. It’s almost like the movie was an overrated piece of junk and their careers never took off the way everyone thought they would. Huh.

Shameless/House of Lies/Californication (Showtime, Sunday) – I just finished my “Californication” spec script. Lemme know what you guys think: DAVID DUCHOVNY: Hey, I’m kind of a tool. PRETTY GIRL: [removes shirt]. (repeat until credits)

There’s entirely too much new TV this weekend to squeeze into this post. Feel free to add anything I didn’t include in the comments.

So, the thing about TV news that breaks after 2 p.m. on a Friday: you’ll probably have to wait until Monday to read our reaction to it, even when it’s about “Community.” It’s a scheduling thing blah blah blah. So, to apologize for our tardiness, we’ve sorted through all the hundreds of masturbatory quotes and inane talking points from this year’s Television Critics Association (Fox and NBC so far, everything else forthcoming) to give you only the tidbits that matter. Also, to sweeten the deal, there’s a reactionary GIF for every item.

Also, quite possibly the least funny show on TV was canceled, so yay!

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Entertainment Weekly has ratings for the most and least watched TV shows of the fall, and good news for “Community” fans: It’s not the lowest rated. In fact, if you take out CW shows because they obviously don’t count, and if you discount airings of shows out of their regular time slots, then “Community” is actually only the sixth least watched show of the fall behind “Bob’s Burgers,” “Chuck,” “Rock City,” “Fringe,” and “Free Agents.” Granted, one of those shows has been cancelled, and two others are on their way out, but still. It’s not the worst! In fact, according to TVBytheNumbers, “Community” actually has a good chance at being renewed for a fourth season, even if it does rank below “COPS.”

As for the highest rated shows: The usual array of TV programs that most of you probably don’t watch, save for “Modern Family” and football: CBS procedurals, CBS comedies, and reality competitions. As the adage goes: “Old people love bad TV.” The highest rated new shows of the fall were “Two Broke Girls,” “Unforgettable,” “Persons of Interest,” all on CBS, and “Once Upon a Time” on ABC. Not a lot of fall hits on the networks.

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Hell On Wheels/Walking Dead (AMC, Sunday) – I completely missed the premiere of “Hell on Wheels” in last week’s Weekend Preview. My apologies. I went back and watched it On Demand during the week and I have three thoughts to share: 1) If this show interests you and you haven’t seen “Deadwood” yet, take the hour every week you would dedicate to this show and watch that instead. 2) If you saw the movie Crossroads starring Britney Spears (three times), you may have a hard time taking leading man Anson Mount seriously as a badass gunslinger. Not his fault, just a fact. 3) While doing an image search to run with this post, I stumbled across the picture to the right. I have been fascinated by it ever since.

Fringe (FOX, Friday) – I also upset people last week by comparing this show to “Chuck.” I meant in the whole “a rapid fanbase saves it despite the show being banished to Friday nights” way, but I got YELLED AT before I clarified that. Yeesh.

Boss (Starz, Friday) – The guys at ModernMan.com have been doing a “Boss” giveaway every week, and the prize this time is a $1,000 AmEx gift card. One thousand dollars?! For watchin’ the teevee?! What is this, soshalism?! (Details here.)

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Hosted by Emma Stone. Easy A was a great movie. You should see it.

The Simpsons (FOX, Sunday) – This is their fairly-hyped foodie episode. If this doesn’t result in Kurp eating something disgusting for our enjoyment, I’ll be incredibly disappointed.

Dexter/Homeland (Showtime, Sunday) – I have never in my entire life had Showtime. I’ve heard both of these shows are good. You are incredibly welcome for this thought-provoking analysis.

Lots of Other Stuff (Every channel, All weekend) – Sunday especially is jam-packed. I didn’t even get to good shows like “The Good Wife” and “Boardwalk Empire,” or the other crappy shows I’d like to make fun of here. For example, did you know “Desperate Housewives” is still on the air? I was BLOWN AWAY when I saw that. I thought for sure it got canceled in, like, 2004.