Recently, BuzzFeed featured a video in which a couple recreated the opening credits to one of the seasons of “Full House.” I’ve embedded it below, just so you can see just how lame it is when two people spend their vacation in one of the best cities in America remaking a terrible sitcom’s credits.

On the other side of the coin are the lovable scamps from The Basketball Jones, who also re-made the “Full House” credits (above), but somehow did it in a way that was both funnier and more accurate. I enjoyed it, and I say this as someone who never hated a TV show until he watched “Full House.” Seriously, until “Full House” arrived, I was just a dumb kid who kind of liked everything on TV. Danny Tanner and Uncle Joey taught me how to hate. Even today, just thinking about Dave Coulier saying, “Cut. It. Out!” makes me want to stab him in the neck with scissors.

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There are few things I hate more than “Full House,” and one of those things is a capella music. So naturally somebody made an a capella version of the “Full House” theme song. Thanks a lot, Matt Mulholland. Now I’ll just kick you in the nuts with a steel-toed boot and we can call it even.

Cut. It. Out. No seriously, stop it. Everyone hates you.

[BuzzFeed]

As soon as I complained that it was a slow news day, Danger Guerrero rushed to YouTube and uploaded this “Full House” clip in which Stephanie Tanner (Jodie Sweetin) and her dance group break it down to Boyz II Men’s “Motownphilly.” Unfortunately, due to copyright or whatever, the video isn’t embeddable, but I strongly recommend watching it on YouTube. Outside the realm of “Saved by the Bell,” it’s got everything you could want in an early-’90s clip: Bob Saget, an Olsen twin, and twelve-year-old girls with bare midriffs dancing to Boyz II Men while wearing sequined hats and spandex.

I’m sure that last thing has nothing to do with Sweetin becoming a meth addict. Surely just a coincidence.

In a cover story for Marie Claire, Mary-Kate Olsen gave her first interview in six years. And she confirmed what everyone who might be a good parent already knows: allowing your children to grow up in Hollywood is an excellent way to screw them up.

She told U.S. Marie Claire that she and her sister were “little monkey performers” as children.

“I look at old photos of me, and I don’t feel connected to them at all,” she said. “I would never wish my upbringing on anyone… but I wouldn’t take it back for the world.”

The former child star said rather than envying her, her friends “feel sorry for us… because it’s kind of bittersweet.” [Daily Mail]

Dude, they’re TOTALLY little monkeys, even today. I’ve seen the Olsen twins in person, and they’re frail little pygmies. They’ve got these normal-sized human heads on tiny, delicate bodies. It’s like someone put wigs on a couple of the little stick-people from the Game of Life. The lesson, as always, is that we should go back in time and kill the people responsible for “Full House” before they can begin their reign of unfunny family-friendly terror.

On a side note, I think Little Monkey Performers opened for the Yeah Yeah Yeahs last summer.

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Actor and former Rush Hour Renegade John Stamos testified Tuesday that he was “heartbroken” over the separation from his wife six years ago when he met a woman now charged with conspiring to extort $680,000 from him.  The “Full House” and “ER” star, also famous for his work as an exterminator, ad executive, and semi-permanent best friend of the Beach Boys, took the stand during the federal trial of Allison Coss and Scott Sippola, who are demanding money from Stamos, saying they had photos of him with cocaine and strippers they could sell to a magazine.

If the allegations are true, this will be another black eye on the already brow-beaten reputation of ABC’s “TGIF.”  Cody from “Step by Step” was arrested for domestic violence, Stephanie Tanner was addicted to meth, Steve Urkel is under investigation as we speak for punching his girlfriend in the breast implant and smashing her head into a toilet, and don’t get me started about how Robbie from Dinosaurs raped that herbivore.

Stamos’ lawyer says the allegations are untrue, and hopes the judge will have mercy.