Lopez: "Come at me, mang!"

Here’s something I didn’t know: Erik Estrada and George Lopez have a long-standing feud that apparently stems from Lopez making fun of Estrada in his stand-up act. His awful, awful stand-up act. And now Estrada, who will soon be a contestant on Univision’s awesomely titled “¡Mira Quien Baila!” (Spanish-language “Dancing with the Stars”), has opened up about the cancellation of “Lopez Tonight.”

“His show was supposed to be cancelled after the first season, but Conan [O'Brien] wanted to keep it on,” Estrada said of TBS’s decision to give Lopez Tonight the ax. Estrada said there’s a reason Lopez Tonight was cancelled—karma. “There’s a lot of things people don’t know about this guy,” he said of Lopez. “For me to talk about this guy—I’m wasting my time. The law of God—the law of Karma, is on him right now. He is doomed.” [Latina.com]

Oh man, a Puerto Rican versus a Mexican. I plugged this information into my Racist Stereotype Jokebot 2000, and it overheated and caught fire. If only Erik Estrada had been nearby, he could have put it out with one of the eight Puerto Rican flags displayed on his car.

I actually kinda felt bad for George Lopez when I heard that TBS was canceling “Lopez Tonight.” Then I watched some of his final monologue, and I didn’t really feel so bad any more. There’s two minutes of applause followed by a joke about Obama’s racial heritage followed by four minutes of stuff I didn’t watch. Apparently he does a fair amount of swearing here, which, to be fair, is probably what I’d do if it were my last night on television, too. I wouldn’t want to rely on the standard 4-letter words, though. I’d just work phrases like “finger blast moist holes” and “five-gallon semen jug” into the monologue. I think that would be a lot more rewarding. More memorable, too. Once you’ve pictured five gallons of semen in your head, you’re not likely to forget it.

I’ve never particularly liked George Lopez, but he was gracious about moving from 11 p.m. to midnight when TBS took Conan O’Brien onboard just weeks after O’Brien left NBC because the Peacock tried to bump his time slot. So it’s kind of sad to hear that Lopez — who hoarsely performed every show sounding like he’d been out singing karaoke until 3 a.m. the night before — has been canceled by TBS:

“TBS has reached the difficult decision not to order a third season of Lopez Tonight. Thursday will be the final episode of the show. We are proud to have partnered with George Lopez, who is an immensely talented comedian and entertainer [sic?].” [statement via EW]

Even though Lopez’s numbers were down — he’d averaged 543K viewers at midnight, down from his average of 911K at 11:00 — I don’t think the cancellation makes a lot of sense. Minorities LOVE Lopez. I mean, I don’t actually know many minorities, but the ones I hear talking about Tyler Perry also like George Lopez. That has to count for something.

Whoa, hey! I’m trying to analyze TV news here! What’s this gallery of Selena Gomez on “Lopez Tonight” doing here? Is she even 18 yet? This is totally unprofessional! I want my readers to know that I had nothing to do with this. I’m barely even attracted to nubile Hispanic teenagers.

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William Shatner was a guest on George Lopez’s show last night, and for one reason or another — a nod to his show “$%^ My Dad Says,” I suppose — he sang Cee-Lo Green’s viral hit “F**k You.” Well, “sang” isn’t quite the right word. It’s more of a spoken-word lyrical interpretation. Not quite as good as Shatner’s epic version of “Rocket Man,” but then, what is?

Video below. And in case you’ve never heard Cee-Lo’s original version of the song, don’t worry, Grandpa, I included that video too.

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Disney star Selena Gomez is making the talk show rounds this week, promoting Ramona ad Beezus, her music, and general awareness of her now being legal. Which is great news, because I don’t want masturbate to a 17-year-old. I don’t want to, but I will.

Anyway, by the time Selena made it to George Lopez, she’d lost her voice, which is totally her most precious gift after nubile body, soft lips, and thick, lustrous hair. Rather than cancel, she did the entire interview on a talk box. The video is below, and it’s fantastic. Finally, a beautiful teenage girl has the robotic speaking cadence of Stephen Hawking. It’s every bit as sexy as it sounds.

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