Disney star Selena Gomez is making the talk show rounds this week, promoting Ramona ad Beezus, her music, and general awareness of her now being legal. Which is great news, because I don’t want masturbate to a 17-year-old. I don’t want to, but I will.

Anyway, by the time Selena made it to George Lopez, she’d lost her voice, which is totally her most precious gift after nubile body, soft lips, and thick, lustrous hair. Rather than cancel, she did the entire interview on a talk box. The video is below, and it’s fantastic. Finally, a beautiful teenage girl has the robotic speaking cadence of Stephen Hawking. It’s every bit as sexy as it sounds.

Read the rest of this entry »

I don’t think I’ve ever had a reason to post a clip from “Lopez Tonight” before, unless it was to detail how much George Lopez’s alleged “comedy” doesn’t appeal to me. But even a wizened old Internet cynic like me can’t hate on this magical union of Internet icons: William Shatner paired with Lin Yu Chun (the Taiwanese kid with the Whitney Houston pipes and breakdancing skills) to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”

Watch the video below, and experience the magic.

Read the rest of this entry »

Well, that came out of nowhere. After months of speculation that Conan O’Brien would end up at Fox, he’ll instead start a new late-night show on TBS. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but I guess it’s about time they followed up on that “very funny” slogan.

“In three months I’ve gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theater, and now I’m headed to basic cable,” O’Brien said in the statement. “My plan is working perfectly.”

He also Tweeted Monday: “The good news: I will be doing a show on TBS starting in November! The bad news: I’ll be playing Rudy on the all new Cosby Show.” [CNN]

The as-yet unnamed show will Monday through Thursday at 11 p.m. starting in September. Now, I know what you’re saying. “But wait, that’s George Lopez’s time slot! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO GEORGE LOPEZ?!?!?” Relax, Lopez is moving to midnight. It’s such a shame that he bowed to the TBS’s whim like that. He should have stood his ground like Conan did, and said that the 11 p.m. time slot is part of “Lopez Tonight’s” legacy, and that moving it to midnight would make it a different show. Then he could do a national tour, just like Conan. Except instead of a big stage show, he’d just be hitchhiking and panhandling at bus stations.

Oh thank God. It’s just a wax statue. *removes gun from mouth* For a second I thought that there were two George Lopezes. What a terrifying, horrible world that would be: one in which cloning technology created more than one George Lopez. That thought literally gives me goosebumps and sends chills down my spine. And I don’t mean “literally” the way idiots use it. I mean it actually happens.

“Hey look at me, everybody! I’m a Mexican comic, choo know? See how my accent is totally what white people think Mexicans sound like? It’s because I pander, ése.” I typed that imagined quote with hands balled into fists of rage, by the way. It wasn’t easy.

(more pictures of hacky lameness at Best Week Ever)

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who stars on one of those TV shows about ghosts, went on George Lopez’s talk show to promote her book and complain about how the tabloids are mean and unfair to her. Then she talks about how she had a friend put Swarovski crystals on her vagina, which she dubbed “vajazzling.”

“After a breakup, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady,” she said. “It shined like a disco ball so I have a whole chapter in there on how women should vajazzle their vajayjays.” [HuffPo]

“WAHHHH, why do I get so much attention?!?!? Hey everybody, I put rhinestones on my pussy!”