Well, I wasn’t expecting to see THIS today: a German kids channel instructs boys in the art of hiding an erection (amazing video below). As you can see from the helpful graphic here, boners are constantly getting in the way: pitching tents in your cargo shorts, exploding on girls, and knocking over stacks of tin cans. Guyism says:

The piece of programming aired as part of a show dedicated to puberty cleverly titled “You Are Not a Werewolf”.

Wait… werewolf? Now I’m even MORE confused.

Oh well, at least now I have several handy (or non-handy, as the case may be) new ways to hide my erection. Up until now I’ve just been hiding it in your mom.

Below is a commercial for one of the Germanest toys to ever German. It’s called Kackel Dackel, and even though I don’t speak a lick of German, I’d guess that it translates roughly to “poop dachshund.” Or perhaps “wiener sh*thound.”

That’s right, it’s a toy wiener dog that you feed in order to make it defecate. Hahaha, what fun! It’s the perfect toy to guarantee another generation of scheisse-porn fetishists!

[via @Unsilent]

Henry Rollins is not the sort of person to be trifled with. Not only did the guy front Black Flag, he played a white surpemacist/gang rapist on “Sons of Anarchy” WAY too believably for me to go spouting off if I ever saw him in person.

But that’s what a couple of New York City hipsters did when Rollins and Iranian artist Shirin Neshat went into an East Village establishment for a German TV show called “Into the Night with…” In the video below, a hipster girl starts loudly talking about Rollins and laughing at about the 0:40 mark. He brushes it off and keeps talking to Neshat, but when the girl yells “Get in the van!” — the title of one of Rollins’s books — that’s when he snaps. Look at the banner image. That’s Henry Rollins’s face when he decides he’s sick of your stupid mouth.

I hope I never see that face in person, because it means I failed to avert my eyes and mind my own business, and that I’m about to get my ass kicked by heavily muscled and tattooed 49-year-old punk rocker in a USO fleece. Goddam that dude is badass. He now ranks ahead of Charlie Murphy on my People I Want as My Dad list.

[BuzzFeed]

This video supposedly showing a live German TV report on a crashproof bike demonstration that GOES AWRY IN A COMPLETELY UNEXPECTED WAY has been making the rounds over the last few days. Far be from me to be overly critical, but who exactly do these krazee krauts think they’re fooling with this one? Like any self-respecting German person would show that kind of regard for an injured person. Also the conveniently fixed camera angle really gives it away. But mostly the thing about Germans not having emotions.

For my non-exchanging Internet money, you’re much better off with watching the dancing guy getting hit in the street by an ice cream truck, on account of its not complete fakeness. Also because I like the thought of vehicular homicide being perpetrated by someone who sells Hot Fries. You know Andy Capp would find it hilarious.

Bear with me, as I don’t speak a lick of German (I’m assuming German based on the reporter’s haircut), so this video can be tough to follow at times. However, I’m pretty sure that washing your hands in warm urine is the kind of thing that transcends the boundaries of language.

I’m not sure which kind of TV outlet employs reporters with lip rings and sends them into the restroom facilities or public events, but this seems like a genuine video and not a hoax. But I think my favorite thing about this clip is its title: “Händewaschen Ultra Fail.” Not to mention the video’s tags:

Doof Eklig Peinlich Schocker Seltsam Verrückt

Ha ha, did you see that Doof’s Peinlich? Ja, It was total Schocker to me as well.

UPDATE: People are saying that it’s Dutch, not German. Because that’s what really matters here. In fact, let’s just altogether ignore the guy rinsing his hands in urine, and talk about the key differences in identifying whether a foreign language I don’t speak is Dutch or German. No, go on. This is fascinating. Please. Continue, Professor Holland.

[via BuzzFeed]

30 Rock had its German television debut Sunday night, garnering fewer than 5,000 viewers.  Oof.  The show premiered on ZDFNeo as part of their $44 million relaunch as a channel for “cutting-edge programming for a younger demographic.” [THR]  The channel previously aired documentaries and averaged a 0.3% market share.  They sought to double their market share with American programs 30 Rock and The Sentinel and BBC comedy Taking the Flak.

30 Rock was their flagship program, and it got a 0.0% market share on it’s debut.  Somebody gon’ be pregnant fired.  You know, when you get fired in Germany, your boss unceremoniously strips the umlauts from your name.  Umlauts are for closers, Heinz.

I hope you took your daily dose of acid this morning, because things are about to get creepy and German around here. The video below is something odd and spandex-filled called “Kinderkreis,” and I’m going to let Ad Rants to describe it:

“Kinderkreis,” a universe constructed for Gushers video “Danse Gooshers,” is a fictional TV show where occasionally uncomfortable-looking German kids are offered a product. Then they tell the host how they feel about it — think “crazy with happiness!” — and a series of spandex-ensconced interpretive dancers pump out that sentiment to the best of their abilities.

Basically, this is the Mike Myers “Sprockets” sketch crossed with the Mike Myers dance interludes in Austin Powers crossed with the feeling you might get from a heavy petting session with Mike Myers. And when I started that last sentence, I had no intention of there being so much Mike Myers. But the video is just that disturbing.

German financial adviser Bontrust wants you to know that your money will multiply with them.  How will they do that?  Well, the stock market is more of an art than a science, but it’s like this: Dollar Abe Lincoln meets Pound Queen Elizabeth II in the park, then there’s a courtship period, then around the third date they rush back to his place and get NASTY.  She fellates him, then the dollar pounds the pound, and Abe doesn’t have protection, but she says, “it’s okay, you can come in me, I’m on the pill.”  BOOM!  A couple months later, you have more money.  And QEII gets right back to work, getting flirty with Yuan Mao.  What a slut.

Anyway.  Is anyone else kind of amazed that a company can show animated characters having graphic sex on German TV?  I mean, I assume it’s a TV commercial: it seems like an awful lot to spend on detailed computer animation to have as a Web-only video.  Also, that scene was kind of hot, right?  Or have I been watching too much hentai?

[Videogum]

This is a German television commercial that suggests you shop online instead of going to stores.  Without going into details, it’s right up there with the Holocaust and scheisse porn in the category of “Things Germans Really Shouldn’t Have Shared with the World.”  (David Hasselhoff was on that list until the hamburger video.)

[Videogum]