This compilation of TV chef Gordon Ramsay yelling at people (NSFW audio) has been making the rounds over the past day or two. It checks in at a completely unreasonable 42 minutes, so I certainly don’t expect anyone to watch the whole thing. Hell, I can barely stay focused during 42 minutes of something I actually enjoy, like watching an episode of “Justified” or ranting to people on the street about how Jeff from “Saved by the Bell” was a total creep. So the concept of spending that much time watching an egomaniacal little brat berate grown men and women like they’re children doesn’t appeal to me in the least.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people enjoy this goon. “OH LOOGIT HONEY, HE CALLT THAT LADY A F-CKIN DONKEY BUHCUZ SHE CUT THE PUHDATOES WRONG. HAHA.” It’s a ridiculous premise for a show, and he is a ridiculous person. If I wanted to see someone yell and scream at his underlings like a drunken, power-mad tyrant, I would watch a college football game. At least then maybe I’d get to see a fat guy do a dance after scoring a touchdown. I love it when that happens.

In summation, I’ve said this before, but I would pay $50 to see someone wordlessly approach Gordon Ramsay during one of his impotent tirades and just smash a pineapple right on top of his dumb head. Double that if the smasher is a big fat guy who dances afterwards. Offer’s on the table.

The Daily What via Eater

I’m a little late getting to this video, but it’s too good not to share. YouTube user 80gumdrops created this mash-up of Gordon Ramsay cooking shows to make it sound like he’s giving the most basic of sexual instructions. I probably think this is funnier than it really is, but I can’t help it. The confluence of chef’s talk and sex talk is just too perfect — it makes me laugh and want hump a Thanksgiving turkey.

Another satisfied lover.

[via Badtvblog]

Fox airs three reality shows built around Gordon Ramsay yelling at people — “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Kitchen Nightmares,” and “MasterChef,” — but that apparently isn’t enough.

Fox has ordered a new Ramsay series where the reality kingpin will partner with a team of hospitality experts, traveling across the country to try and fix every aspect of struggling hotels, motels and bed & breakfasts. The working title: Hotel Hell.

The series is both familiar territory for Ramsay and a real departure, combining the business makeover format of Kitchen Nightmares with the internationally known chef moving beyond a cooking-centric show on Fox for the first time. Ramsay has hotel experience, having studied hotel management as a young man, and having worked and owned hotel-based restaurants throughout his career. [EW]

Four reality shows starring the same person is a goddamn terrible idea. Because it’s not nearly enough! I DEMAND MORE SHOWS ABOUT GORDON RAMSAY YELLING AT PEOPLE. I want a Gordon Ramsay show every night of the week. “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Kitchen Nightmares,” “Hotel Hell,” “Hell’s Nightmares,” “Nightmare Hotel Kitchens from Hell.” “Gordon Ramsay’s Variety Hour of Kicking Puppies and Strangling Kittens.” Big hits, all of them.

MasterChef (Fox) — Season premiere. Without looking at any online resources, I can’t tell you one goddam difference between this show and “Hell’s Kitchen.” All I know is that I can’t see the name of this show without picturing Demi Moore saying, “Hooyah, Master Chief!”

HGTV’d (HGTV) — Series premiere. It’s like “Punk’d,” except HGTV personalities surprise fans by making over their homes. You just got HGTV’d, sucka!

Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Season finale. This week on “SLAT,” the third season ends with Adrian and Ben prepare for the birth of their daughter. Because I’ve never seen this show, I like to pretend that Adrian and Ben are both dudes.

WWE Tough Enough (USA) — Season finale. I’m sure Brandon can tell you all about it.

Switched at Birth (ABC Family) — Series premiere. Two teenagers learn they were switched at birth, and it sounds like a real drag for one of them: “Instead of getting all cutesy with it, ABC Family gives the concept a little extra depth by making one of the switchees filthy rich and the other poor AND rendered deaf after a childhood illness.” (NBC NY)

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Katie Couric (newly signed to ABC) and Cee-Lo on Leno; Wanda Sykes and “Bachelorette” Ashley Hebert on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Brooklyn Decker (nice!) on Ferguson; Kathie Lee Gifford on Fallon; weirdly badass German director Werner Herzog on Colbert; and Ice-T on Conan. Also, Letterman kicks off “Drum Solo Week” with house drummer Anton Fig; notable percussionists will guest in the days to come.

Gordon Ramsay is apparently at work on yet another TV show — this time for the UK’s Channel 4 — and he claims that Costa Rican shark-hunting gangs interfered with his filming by pouring gasoline on him and holding him at gunpoint.

Ramsay told a newspaper: “It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, completely unregulated. We traced some of the biggest culprits to Costa Rica. These gangs operate from places like forts, with barbed wire and gun towers.

“At one point, I managed to shake off the people keeping us away, ran up some stairs to a rooftop and looked down to see thousands of fins, drying on rooftops as far as the eye could see. When I got back downstairs, they tipped a barrel of petrol over me.”

He added: “Back at the wharf, there were people pointing rifles at us to stop us filming. A van pulled up and these seedy characters made us stand against a wall. The police came and advised us to leave the country. They said, ‘If you set one foot in there, they’ll shoot you.’” [The Sun]

Seeing as how this comes from a fame-whoring TV personality as reported by a British tabloid, I’m sure this fantastic story is all 100% true. Isn’t that right, Mr. Ramsay?