This compilation of TV chef Gordon Ramsay yelling at people (NSFW audio) has been making the rounds over the past day or two. It checks in at a completely unreasonable 42 minutes, so I certainly don’t expect anyone to watch the whole thing. Hell, I can barely stay focused during 42 minutes of something I actually enjoy, like watching an episode of “Justified” or ranting to people on the street about how Jeff from “Saved by the Bell” was a total creep. So the concept of spending that much time watching an egomaniacal little brat berate grown men and women like they’re children doesn’t appeal to me in the least.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people enjoy this goon. “OH LOOGIT HONEY, HE CALLT THAT LADY A F-CKIN DONKEY BUHCUZ SHE CUT THE PUHDATOES WRONG. HAHA.” It’s a ridiculous premise for a show, and he is a ridiculous person. If I wanted to see someone yell and scream at his underlings like a drunken, power-mad tyrant, I would watch a college football game. At least then maybe I’d get to see a fat guy do a dance after scoring a touchdown. I love it when that happens.

In summation, I’ve said this before, but I would pay $50 to see someone wordlessly approach Gordon Ramsay during one of his impotent tirades and just smash a pineapple right on top of his dumb head. Double that if the smasher is a big fat guy who dances afterwards. Offer’s on the table.

The Daily What via Eater

I’m a little late getting to this video, but it’s too good not to share. YouTube user 80gumdrops created this mash-up of Gordon Ramsay cooking shows to make it sound like he’s giving the most basic of sexual instructions. I probably think this is funnier than it really is, but I can’t help it. The confluence of chef’s talk and sex talk is just too perfect — it makes me laugh and want hump a Thanksgiving turkey.

Another satisfied lover.

[via Badtvblog]

Fox airs three reality shows built around Gordon Ramsay yelling at people — “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Kitchen Nightmares,” and “MasterChef,” — but that apparently isn’t enough.

Fox has ordered a new Ramsay series where the reality kingpin will partner with a team of hospitality experts, traveling across the country to try and fix every aspect of struggling hotels, motels and bed & breakfasts. The working title: Hotel Hell.

The series is both familiar territory for Ramsay and a real departure, combining the business makeover format of Kitchen Nightmares with the internationally known chef moving beyond a cooking-centric show on Fox for the first time. Ramsay has hotel experience, having studied hotel management as a young man, and having worked and owned hotel-based restaurants throughout his career. [EW]

Four reality shows starring the same person is a goddamn terrible idea. Because it’s not nearly enough! I DEMAND MORE SHOWS ABOUT GORDON RAMSAY YELLING AT PEOPLE. I want a Gordon Ramsay show every night of the week. “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Kitchen Nightmares,” “Hotel Hell,” “Hell’s Nightmares,” “Nightmare Hotel Kitchens from Hell.” “Gordon Ramsay’s Variety Hour of Kicking Puppies and Strangling Kittens.” Big hits, all of them.

MasterChef (Fox) — Season premiere. Without looking at any online resources, I can’t tell you one goddam difference between this show and “Hell’s Kitchen.” All I know is that I can’t see the name of this show without picturing Demi Moore saying, “Hooyah, Master Chief!”

HGTV’d (HGTV) — Series premiere. It’s like “Punk’d,” except HGTV personalities surprise fans by making over their homes. You just got HGTV’d, sucka!

Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Season finale. This week on “SLAT,” the third season ends with Adrian and Ben prepare for the birth of their daughter. Because I’ve never seen this show, I like to pretend that Adrian and Ben are both dudes.

WWE Tough Enough (USA) — Season finale. I’m sure Brandon can tell you all about it.

Switched at Birth (ABC Family) — Series premiere. Two teenagers learn they were switched at birth, and it sounds like a real drag for one of them: “Instead of getting all cutesy with it, ABC Family gives the concept a little extra depth by making one of the switchees filthy rich and the other poor AND rendered deaf after a childhood illness.” (NBC NY)

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Katie Couric (newly signed to ABC) and Cee-Lo on Leno; Wanda Sykes and “Bachelorette” Ashley Hebert on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Brooklyn Decker (nice!) on Ferguson; Kathie Lee Gifford on Fallon; weirdly badass German director Werner Herzog on Colbert; and Ice-T on Conan. Also, Letterman kicks off “Drum Solo Week” with house drummer Anton Fig; notable percussionists will guest in the days to come.

Gordon Ramsay is apparently at work on yet another TV show — this time for the UK’s Channel 4 — and he claims that Costa Rican shark-hunting gangs interfered with his filming by pouring gasoline on him and holding him at gunpoint.

Ramsay told a newspaper: “It’s a multi-billion dollar industry, completely unregulated. We traced some of the biggest culprits to Costa Rica. These gangs operate from places like forts, with barbed wire and gun towers.

“At one point, I managed to shake off the people keeping us away, ran up some stairs to a rooftop and looked down to see thousands of fins, drying on rooftops as far as the eye could see. When I got back downstairs, they tipped a barrel of petrol over me.”

He added: “Back at the wharf, there were people pointing rifles at us to stop us filming. A van pulled up and these seedy characters made us stand against a wall. The police came and advised us to leave the country. They said, ‘If you set one foot in there, they’ll shoot you.’” [The Sun]

Seeing as how this comes from a fame-whoring TV personality as reported by a British tabloid, I’m sure this fantastic story is all 100% true. Isn’t that right, Mr. Ramsay?

Explorer: Born to Rage? (National Geographic) — As noted earlier, Henry Rollins hosts this investigation of the newly discovered warrior gene. Read my interview with Rollins here.

Gordon Ramsay’s Ultimate Christmas (BBC America) — MERRY FOKIN’ CHRISTMAS, ARSEHOLE.

The Biggest Loser (NBC) — Season finale. On one hand, it’s really cool to see former tubs of lard take pride in their newfound physical fitness. On the other, keep your shirts on, people. You still have all that excess skin hanging off you from when you were fat. You look like Buffalo Bill’s ultimate catch.

Third Reich: The Rise (History) — Finally, a break from “Ice Road Truckers” and “Pawn Stars” to showcase what the History Channel does best: NAZIS! You know, the Holocaust gets so many headlines, it’s nice to see the Beer Hall Putsch and the Reischstag fire get some attention. (Followed by “Hitler’s Family” at 11 p.m. Eastern.)

Fashion Show: Ultimate Collection (Bravo) — The Real Housewives of somewhere appear on this 75-minute episode. GRRRR EXTREME FASHION FOR WOMEN AND GAYS!

Today’s top story in “misleading headlines” is the death of Joseph Cerniglia, a chef and restaurateur who was abused by Gordon Ramsay on “Kitchen Nightmares.” Cerniglia, 39, jumped off the George Washington Bridge on Friday. His body was later found floating in the Hudson River. And in a nice example of foreshadowing…

“Your business is about to f–king swim down the Hudson,” the brash Brit berated Cerniglia, a married dad of three who lived in Pompton Lakes.

But that’s not the first time Ramsay sapped someone’s will to live.

The first person to star in a Ramsay show and then kill herself was chef Rachel Brown. Brown, 41, competed on Ramsay’s “Hell’s Kitchen”  in 2006… She shot herself to death in her family’s Dallas home a year later.

In all fairness, the restaurant industry can be a brutal, stressful business, so it’s not really fair to blame Ramsay for people committing suicide. Besides, when you have as many reality shows as Ramsay does, some people are going to die from the same causes. Statistics like that are gonna happen. But I wish reality shows caused similar deaths. I’d be cool with everyone who’s ever been on “American Idol” dying of AIDS. It would be a shame to lose cute girls like Carrie Underwood and Katherine McPhee, but that’s a price I’m willing to pay.

Growing Up Twisted (A&E) — Series premiere. A reality show about Dee Snider and his family. I didn’t like this when it was called “Gene Simmons Family Jewels,” and I didn’t like it when it was called “The Osbournes.” But props to Suzette Snider for putting up with Dee’s face for almost 30 years of marriage. I bet she was hot enough to get a way better rock star back in the day.

MasterChef (Fox) — Series premiere. Amateur chefs try to impress Gordon Ramsay and his panel of chef judges. I guess calling it “American Chef” or “So You Think You Can Cook” would have been too obvious.

Louie (FX) — Louie agrees to be in a movie directed by Matthew Broderick (guest starring as himself); Louie deals with a heckler.

Breakthrough with Tony Robbins (NBC) — Series premiere. Great, it’s about time they made motivational self-help dreck into a reality show. I suspect it’ll be like “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” minus the house.

Deadliest Catch (Discovery) — Season finale. It’s been a sad season, what with the loss of Captain Phil Harris. Here’s hoping the producers have the decency to play “How Do I Say Goodbye to Yesterday” over the closing credits.

The Deadliest Warrior (Spike) — Season finale. Navy SEALs versus Israeli Defense Force. Whoever wins, they’re both more deadliest than whatever the deadliest catch is.

Kitchen Nightmares (BBC America) — Season finale. When a woman has as many reality shows as Gordon Ramsay does, we call her a whore.

Mary Knows Best (Syfy) — Series premiere. Here’s the premise from Yahoo: “Meet Mary Occhino: a radio host, psychic, and mother of three grown kids. A few of her offspring are following in her footsteps — one of them is a reluctant psychic, and another is a paranormal investigator — but the third is a skeptic.” That description is so textbook sitcom-y that I can’t even tell if this is scripted or a reality show. Probably the latter. It’s cheaper, after all.

Boston Med (ABC) — A few weeks back, I joked that the title fit in nicely with “Boston Public” and “Boston Legal,” and that the only thing missing was “Boston Police.” Then sexy fried food enthusiast Becky emailed to point out that “Boston’s Finest” once existed, but never made it past the pilot stage. Oh, Hollywood, thank you for being you.

Futurama (Comedy Central) — I still can’t make myself a fan of this show. Like, I can watch it and enjoy it if it’s on, but I’m never like, “Man, I gotta watch ‘Futurama’!” But I’m happy for you if you like it.

Big Brother 12 (CBS) — Live! Oh my gosh, who’s going to get voted off? I have no idea, because I have no idea who’s even on the show. But if I had to guess, I’d say either the muscular guy or the attractive in-shape girl.

In the upcoming Season 6 premiere of Hell’s Kitchen, host Gordon Ramsay does his usual act of being a profane dickhead, and one contestant — a former Marine — gets up in his face and offers to take him outside and beat his ass.

Contestant Joseph conflicts with the shouty chef from the outset, refusing to eat an undercooked vegetable without a fork (“I’m not an animal”) and grimacing at the prospect of a luxurious seaside reward lunch (“This isn’t what I’m here for”). But after performing as one of the best players on the men’s team, Joseph wigs when Ramsay makes his usual simple request to name two of his teammates for elimination. Contestants have stood up to Ramsay’s bullying before, but not like this. [The Live Feed]

Of course, Ramsay bitched out.  He’s a big tough TV guy crossing his arms and swearing at everyone and treating people like crap, but his authority comes from the cameras and people’s fear.  Anyone who’s survived Marine boot camp thinks that Gordon Ramsay couldn’t berate someone out of a paper bag.  We cornered the market on profane dickheads, buddy.  Marine drill instructors have taken yelling and swearing to a linguistic plane beyond the English language.  Some British twat isn’t going to intimidate us.  THESE COLORS DON’T RUN, BABY!  **puts 9/11 sticker on V-12 Ford F350**