Smash (NBC) – Series premiere. As all six loyal NBC viewers can attest, the network has been pushing the mess out of this musical drama. I have made an executive decision that I will watch this show. I have also made an executive decision that Katharine McPhee is very, very pretty (see inset, part of this new GQ profile).

How I Met Your Mother/2 Broke Girls/Two and a Half Men/Mike & Molly (CBS) – The two worst shows in CBS’s Monday night lineup have the number two in them. “Number two” also means poop. I am very perceptive.

Alcatraz (FOX) – Did they ever catch that dinosaur in “Lost”? If I ever caught a dinosaur, I would name him Ozzie.

The Bachelor (ABC) – Apparently Whatshisnose has a date with one girl on a deserted island tonight. I bet he gets lucky. You know, because of “the implication.” Also because these girls seem pretty easy.

Pretty Little Liars/The Lying Game (ABC Family) – “ABC Family, the worldwide leader in dishonesty-based programming.”

Gossip Girl/Hart of Dixie (CW) – As far as I can tell, every male character on “Gossip Girl” is pretty much just Oliver from “The O.C.” And when I say “As far as I can tell,” what I mean is “Based almost entirely on snippets of conversations I’ve overheard while navigating Old Navy.”

Finding Bigfoot (Animal Planet) – SPOILER ALERT: No dice.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: LL Cool J and Pitbull on Kimmel; Sarah Michelle Gellar on Letterman; Mark Harmon and Martha Plimpton on Ferguson; The Rock on Fartface McGee; Kristen Bell and Bret McKenzie (Flight of the Concords) on Conan

Michelle, if you're reading this, just know that I never hated Dawn.

Gossip Girl (CW) – My fiancée watches “Gossip Girl” (necessary disclaimer), and every season of the show is more nonsensical than the last. Meaning, it’s a Josh Schwartz series. Tonight, Leighton Meester gets married to a prince. Why? I have no idea. Prince of what? No clue. Is Michelle Trachtenberg involved? YES.

RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) – I’ve heard this is the greatest reality show ever (which is a bit like having the world’s smallest large-screen TV, to steal a line from Hank Azaria), from people who otherwise hate reality shows. On a dull Monday night, “Drag Race” might be your best option. I owe RuPaul as much, considering he was the first drag queen I ever knew by name and that’s not something you forget. Thanks, Brady Bunch Movie.

Fear Factor (NBC) – If I was working on a computer that didn’t track my online searches, I’d look into how many times the phrase “donkey semen” was Google’d last week, compared to any other week ever. You’d assume there’d be a major increase, but there are a lot of Germans out there, so who knows.

Fashion Police (E!) – Doesn’t it seem like Giuliana Rancic has been on E! for roughly 46 years now?

Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives (Food Network) – Our favorite bleach-blonde, greasy walrus makes “deep fried pork chops with sweet and spicy pepper jelly,” which is also how Guy likes his women.

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jennifer Lopez and Rob Schneider on Letterman; Madonna, Chris Colfer, and Joe Perry on Leno; Marc Maron and Fishbone on Kimmel; Don Cheadle and Andrea Riseborough on Ferguson; Glenn Close, Emma Rossum, and Nada Surf on Fallon; Maya Rudolph and Chris Gethard on Conan; Lou Dobbs on Stewart; and Laurence H. Tribe on Colbert.

It’s Secret Santa season, the time of the year when you’re forced to buy cheap “holiday” presents for your fellow office workers because a memo from the Powers That Be tell you to. It’s a wonderful strife…going on in your head because it’s likely that you hate many of the people you work with (HI DANGER AND DUSTIN), but you still have to give them something. But rather than begrudgingly purchasing an iTunes gift certificate for the third straight year, or another item they’d actually enjoy, a much better option is to buy them a present that slyly shows what you actually think of them. In other words: that you abhor them.

Here are 10 such last-minute, $15-or-less options.

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The CW unveiled its new fall schedule, which I will share with you because it’s important to know what shows you’re never going to watch. New shows added to the rotation are:

• “Hart of Dixie,” in which Rachel Bilson stars as a New York City doctor who inherits a practice in “a small Southern town inhabited by an eclectic and eccentric group of characters.”
• “Ringer,” starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as a woman on the run from the mob who poses as her twin sister — who is also wanted. I think that’s one of the stupidest f*cking things I’ve ever heard, but Josh is looking forward to it.
• “H8R,” the reality show hosted by Mario Lopez in which celebrities meet the people who despise them. You lost me at “Mario Lopez.”
• “The Secret Circle.” Vampires are sooooo yesterday! The hot new things that don’t exist are witches.

The CW: making lousy shows for teenagers and emotionally stunted women since 2006. Full schedule below.

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Perhaps I should clarify, regarding the headline.  I have not watched a minute of “Gossip Girl.”  I have no idea if it is actually a “good” show by the standard criteria of television criticism: acting, writing, directing, cinematography, etc.  I do know, however, that they have collected a Murderer’s Row of hot tail on the program.  The angelic and perfect Blake Lively, the sexily troubled Leighton Meester, noted jailbait siren and raccoon Taylor Momsen, and, pictured above, Jessica Szohr.  Now, until about an hour ago, I had no idea what the hell a Jessica Szohr was.  Then she went and posed for a handful of pictures for a SoBe Lifewater shoot in nothing but bodypaint.  So, yeah, she’s on my radar now.

I’m not entirely sure what a smoking hot actress in paint clothes has to do with water, SoBe corporation, but I do know that you’re DOING.  IT.  RIGHT.  More companies should take your lead.  Need to advertise used cars?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  High-speed Internet?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  Hot chicks in bodypaint?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  In conclusion, hot chicks in bodypaint.

After the jump, video of last year’s SoBe bodypaint shoot with Ashley Greene.  Ashley Greene is not Jessica Szohr or on a television show, making her barely relevant to this post or this blog.  But, as many celebrated journalism critics have noted , “Relevance schmelevance.  Look at those cans!”

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