Perhaps I should clarify, regarding the headline.  I have not watched a minute of “Gossip Girl.”  I have no idea if it is actually a “good” show by the standard criteria of television criticism: acting, writing, directing, cinematography, etc.  I do know, however, that they have collected a Murderer’s Row of hot tail on the program.  The angelic and perfect Blake Lively, the sexily troubled Leighton Meester, noted jailbait siren and raccoon Taylor Momsen, and, pictured above, Jessica Szohr.  Now, until about an hour ago, I had no idea what the hell a Jessica Szohr was.  Then she went and posed for a handful of pictures for a SoBe Lifewater shoot in nothing but bodypaint.  So, yeah, she’s on my radar now.

I’m not entirely sure what a smoking hot actress in paint clothes has to do with water, SoBe corporation, but I do know that you’re DOING.  IT.  RIGHT.  More companies should take your lead.  Need to advertise used cars?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  High-speed Internet?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  Hot chicks in bodypaint?  Hot chicks in bodypaint.  In conclusion, hot chicks in bodypaint.

After the jump, video of last year’s SoBe bodypaint shoot with Ashley Greene.  Ashley Greene is not Jessica Szohr or on a television show, making her barely relevant to this post or this blog.  But, as many celebrated journalism critics have noted , “Relevance schmelevance.  Look at those cans!”

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This is really in the realm of “gossip” instead of “television news,” but I’m reporting it because it’s fantastic news: “Gossip Girl” co-stars Blake Lively and Penn Badgley have broken up after three excruciating years together. Excruciating for me, I mean.

Penn Badgley and Blake Lively, both 23, have ended their three-year romance, a rep for the Gossip Girl costars exclusively tells the new Us Weekly.

They called it quits in mid-September. ”They’re professionals,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “They’re still good friends and hang out on the set.”

I’m not quite sure why I get so excited about celebrity news like this. I mean, it makes no sense for me to get excited about Blake Lively being single, because it’s not like she’s going to start dating me. I’m already in a happy relationship, and I don’t appreciate her trying to get in the middle of it.

FUN FACT: Blake Lively’s breasts are lighter than air, softer than kitten fur, and able to cure cancer.

Gossip Girl (CW) — Season 4 premiere. Serena (Blake Lively) and Blair (Leighton Meester) begin the season in Paris. Last season, Chuck got shot in Prague, and crazy Georgina told Dan that she’s pregnant with his baby, which is why you always wear protection if they’ve got the crazy eyes. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of the silly will-they-or-won’t-they thing that’s been going on between Blake and me. C’mon, honey, stop playing coy. I sent you all my best toes.

90210 (CW) — Season premiere. I’m torn between which incarnation of “90210″ is better: the new one has attractive people, but the original actually mattered to pop culture. I’d call that a push.

The Closer (TNT) — Season finale. Hey, remember when Kyra Sedgwick won an Emmy for this show? That’s the surest sign I can find that television needs better programming with central female characters.

Bachelor Pad (ABC) — Two-hour season finale. Fittingly, it will be cross-promoted with “Dancing with the Stars.” As if anyone who watches “Bachelor Pad” doesn’t already watch “DWTS.” More importantly, this is followed by the season finale of “Dating in the Dark.” The final five minutes of “Dating in the Dark” is the only time a reality show has ANY kind of suspense for me.

Monday Night Football (ESPN) — Ravens at Jets followed by Chargers at Chiefs. Should be an exciting night of me following my fantasy football scoreboard.

The World of Jenks (MTV) — This documentary show actually tries to promote understanding of other people. On MTV. Yeah, I know. I don’t know what the catch is.

Below is the first promo for Season 4 of “Gossip Girl,” a show that’s targeted towards teenagers but watched mostly by single women with blogs. I guess Blair and Serena (Leighton Meester and Blake Lively – RAWR!) are in Paris this season, which I find fascinating only because I have no idea how the CW funded that. “Gossip Girl” finished 120th out of 124 network shows last year, so the fact that they’re not shooting the show in abandoned warehouses is pretty impressive.

In a related story, I can’t talk about “Gossip Girl” without bringing up Blake Lively. I hope God took the day off after making her, because she is FANTASTIC. I would totally keep her in a well and wear her skin — and not in a creepy way. I’m just a hugely enthusiastic fan of her work. Not enough to watch “Gossip Girl,” though. A man has to have limits.

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The season’s final Nielsen ratings are out, and it’s official: absolutely no one watches the CW. Out of the 124 series that made Deadline’s rankings, the bottom seven shows were all from the CW, with former headline-maker “Gossip Girl” parked at #120 (I blame the lack of ice cream-related lesbian story lines) and the rancid “High Society” dead last. And those rankings don’t count the canceled stillborn turd that was “The Beautiful Life.” In fact, of the twelve original shows made by the CW, none made it higher than #109 (“America’s Next Top Model”). That’s 12 of the 16 most unwatched shows on TV.

Of course, as we often discuss, rankings have little to do with quality of programming. More than thirteen million people watch “Grey’s Anatomy” every week, and four of the top ten shows are crime procedurals on CBS. Fox used to get beat up in the rankings, too, until “The Simpsons” became an international phenomenon and made it a network to contend with.

I’m not really sure what my point was. I think it had something to do with Blake Lively and Leighton Meester making out.