I honestly don’t understand how people tolerate medical dramas on television. Crime dramas I can understand, because most people don’t see the day-to-day lives of criminals or cops. But we’ve ALL been to a hospital before; we should know that there isn’t some hotshot doctor who does things his own way or some sassy nurse who knows more than the brash young doctor. In reality, there’s just a tired Indian intern with no bedside manner and old people trying to stave off death.

That’s why I love the video below, called “Doctors with Guns.” It makes fun of all the tired tropes from medical dramas by giving the doctors guns. A couple samples of the dialog:

“How am I supposed to shoot the leukemia out of this woman with a shoddy Brazilian knock-off?”

“I’ll have you before the Medical, Firearm, and Tobacco Board!”

That’s good stuff. I’d rather watch this three-minute video 20 times in a row than any five minutes of a “Private Practice” episode.

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“Grey’s Anatomy” had its season finale last night, and I have no idea what happened because (a) the last 48 hours have been a blur of booze, humidity, gambling, and creole sauce, and (b) I wouldn’t watch the show if I were on fire and the episode was an instructional video on how to stop being on fire. But series creator Shonda Rimes opened up her stupid yaphole about it:

It hurt to write this finale. It literally hurt me.

Bitch, it did not LITERALLY hurt you. It metaphorically hurt you. Christ, that’s irritating. Shonda Rimes has the verbal dexterity of a 23-year-old former sorority girl working in PR.

Dear readers, please take note: “literally” means “actually” or “without exaggeration.” It gets abused and used by idiots who think it means the opposite. If you hear someone misuse the word, correct them. Or slap them. Or if it’s Shonda Rimes, push her into freeway traffic.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins spent a year of research to determine that the medical practices on shows like “Grey’s Anatomy” and “House” are often unethical and unrealistic. You can read their report in the new issue of Gigantic Waste of Time Quarterly.

The authors of the review, available online in the April issue of the Journal of Medical Ethics, say they were well aware that their findings would end up stating the obvious. But they nonetheless wanted to provide data that would shed light on the relationship of these depictions on the perceptions of viewers, both health professionals and the general public…

In analyzing the second seasons of “Grey’s Anatomy” and “House,” [Matthew] Czarny counted 179 depictions of bioethical issues, under 11 different topics, ranging from informed consent to organ-transplant eligibility to human experimentation. [Baltimore Sun]

Here’s the train of thought and execution: they knew they were going to state the obvious, but they went forward because they thought it was important to collect the raw data. But then they only watched a single season of two shows that are now both in their sixth season. And that took a YEAR. And we wonder why the wait at the doctor’s office is so long.

My problem with “House” is that no doctor on the planet looks like Olivia Wilde. It’s like, why’d I even bother getting syphilis if the person looking at my wang is some Indian dude?

Between slamming the writers of “Grey’s Anatomy” and calling Knocked Up “misogynistic,” Katherine Heigl has gotten a reputation for being an ungrateful pain in the ass. Now that she’s finally off the ABC estrogen-fest that made her a star, she opened up to Entertainment Weekly’s Michael Ausiello, the official gay best friend of Hollywood fag hags. And to her credit, she owned up to the things she said:

In 2008, you announced that you decided not to enter yourself in the Emmy race because, you said “I did not feel I was given the material this season to warrant a nomination.” Any regrets about making that statement?
HEIGL: Yes. [Laughs]

Why?
HEIGL: You know… At the time I thought I was doing the right thing. And I wanted to be clear that I wasn’t snubbing the Emmys. The night I won [in 2007] was the highlight of my career. I just was afraid that if I said, “No comment,” it was going to come off like I couldn’t be bothered to [enter the race]. But really, I could have more gracefully said that without going into a private work matter. It was between me and the writers. I ambushed them, and it wasn’t very nice or fair.

That statement, and the one you made on Letterman, combined with the fact that you’re leaving the show before your contract is up, have fostered a perception of you as an ungrateful diva.  Are you aware that this is how some people view you?
HEIGL: Yes. The ungrateful thing bothers me the most. And that is my fault. I allowed myself to be perceived that way because I was being whiny and I was griping and because I made these snarky comments. So much about living life, to me, is about humility and gratitude. And I’ve tried very hard to have those qualities and be that person and I’m just so disappointed in myself that I allowed it to slip. Of course, of course I’m grateful. How can I not be grateful? [...] I am disappointed in myself for allowing that perception to exist… And I hope that in the coming years I can change people’s minds about that… Like any job, there are ups and downs. But I don’t want to demean what that experience was. I don’t want it to become about this negativity that I’ve spewed.

You know what? She seems genuinely regretful about the things she said and her desire to change our perception of her in the coming years. I don’t like to give away too much free advice, but a good start to that would be going fully nude in her next two or three or eight films.

Oh no. Terrible news today for fans of “Grey’s Anatomy,” as America’s Sweetheart Katherine Heigl reportedly will not be returning to the show. Michael Ausiello says:

[S]eries creator Shonda Rhimes has agreed to release the fast-rising movie star [sic] from her contract. It’s now up to ABC Studios and Heigl’s reps to hash out a final exit agreement. [...]

After taking more than half of the current season off to make another movie and connect with her adopted daughter, Heigl was scheduled to return to the Grey’s set on March 1 to begin work on the five remaining episodes of the season. There’s just one problem: March 1 came and went and there was no Heigl…

The source adds that talks between Heigl and ABC have been going on for months and last week both sides mutually decided that the best solution would be to part ways now as opposed to at the end of the season. As a result, Heigl is not expected to return to the Grey’s set, which means her final episode as Izzie has already aired.

What absolutely heartbreaking news. We’ll never again have the joy of seeing Katherine Heigl pretend to love a dead guy, or pretend to have cancer. I guess we’ll just have to cross our fingers and hope for the real thing.