This is a touching tribute. I know that all of us were saddened by ABC’s cancellation of “Hank” after just five episodes, even after all the great reviews it got. But at least we’ll always have the memories. *sniff* We’ll. Always. Have. The memories.

[SlapClap via Videogum]

One month ago, I set the over-under on episodes of Kelsey Grammer’s “Hank” that would air at 5.5. Collect your winnings if you took the under, because ABC has canned it after five episodes (and one Great Pumpkin preemption).

The show is filming episode 10 and will stop production after wrapping  that episode. ABC… has no immediate plans to run the remaining five segments. [The Live Feed]

In slightly higher quality cancellation, Fox has axed Joss Whedon’s “Dollhouse,” which had low ratings but a small and nerdy fan base. Unlike “Hank,” Fox will air the second season’s remaining episodes. Whedon and the nerdy fan base are sad. Whedon wrote:

I’m off to pursue internet ventures/binge drinking. Possibly that relaxation thing I’ve read so much about.

Gosh, when he puts it that way, I don’t even feel bad for him. I kind of wish I were rich and fired.

As Matt predicted, Hank is right on schedule for being cancelled.  First THR says it’s “Wednesday’s lowest-rated program on a major broadcast network and has failed to improve.”  Now this:

ABC has decided to give viewers a double dose of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown,” airing a half-hour version of the holiday classic on Wednesday, Oct. 28 at 8 p.m. in place of the struggling Kelsey Grammer sitcom “Hank.” [thewrap]

I think a cool “viral marketing” campaign ABC should do is preempt every episode of Hank from now on with a rerun of an old show.  I know this isn’t actually viral marketing, but shhhh, ABC might not know that.  If we present this viral idea to ABC in a powerpoint presentation with lots of graphs and pictures of people snowboarding, they might go for it.

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ABC has picked up three of its Wednesday night comedies for a full first season: “Modern Family,” “The Middle,” and “Cougar Town.” Noticeably absent: the fourth corner of ABC’s Comedy Wednesdays lineup, the fecal puddle known as “Hank.” Delightful. I’m now placing the over/under on the number episodes until “Hank gets canceled. I’m placing the line at a conservative 5.5 (two episodes have already aired). Then maybe “Better Off Ted” can finally get a real time slot and develop an audience.

On the other side of the coin, NBC has surprisingly canceled “Southland,” even though it has already produced six episodes of a second season. The L.A. cop drama debuted last season to solid reviews but disappointing numbers. I enjoyed it — it was a solid take on the traditional police drama, with a large cast that shared the spotlight. And while Jay Leno hogging the 10 o’clock block is partly to blame, I read over the summer that the large cast was “too broad” and that the network was demanding that the show scale back its vision.

So how much do you want to bet executives demanded that a change be made, and then when it was made they didn’t like it and canceled the show? It’s pure conjecture, of course — I just like betting on the chance that the people in charge are bumbling deaf handless retards.

Oh, hey! Kelsey Grammer’s in a new sitcom called “Hank,” everybody! He’s so talented! And ABC has recently created terrific comedies like “Modern Family” and “Better Off Ted,” so this sounds promising. Let’s take a look at the reviews…

• “Lazy, predictable and spectacularly tone-deaf.” [Star-Ledger]
• “Breezily ungrounded… comes across as empty condescension.” [Miami Herald]
• “In “Hank,” pompous comes off as merely pitiful. Or it would, if you could waste even a moment feeling sorry for anyone but the viewers, for whom the laugh track’s likely to serve as a bitter reminder that somewhere, someone else is having a good time.” [Philadelphia Daily News]
• “One of this fall’s absolute worst new shows… the sort of lame, predictable set-up, joke, set-up, joke that nearly killed the traditional sitcom… unbelievably bad. ” [Deseret News]
• They made two versions of the pilot episode of “Hank,” both of which leave unfunny whiffs of doom in their wake. I nevertheless remain clinically fascinated by the show’s lameness… “Hank” is less of a sitcom than a show about sitcom assembly. It belongs in a diagram about sitcoms.” [Washington Post]
• “A moronic and ghastly effort that suffocates under the cloying and annoying blanket of a laugh track so disturbing it should be destroyed. As should the show.” [SF Chronicle]
• “I had to down two Red Bulls to get through the 22 minutes of torturously unfunny dialogue… One of the worst new (or old) comedies of this or many other seasons.” [NY Post]

Doctors have also determined that watching “Hank” gives you brain cancer. And superAIDS. Maybe I’ll just stick to last night’s “Sons of Anarchy” on my DVR. Or, you know, gouging my eyes out.