Charlie Kaufman, a name most associated with the phrases “that really expanded my mind,” “Kaufman-esque,” and “you just didn’t get it,” is working on a TV show for HBO, which promises to expand some minds, in a Kaufman-esque kind of way, and if you don’t like, you probably just didn’t get it.

The curly-haired one will write and direct and Catherine Keener (who hasn’t appeared in a TV series since playing “The Kramer” artist Nina on “Seinfeld”) will star in the still-unnamed series, “an exploration of one day in a woman’s life and how the events leading up to it can affect, or not, the reality in which she lives.”

I love Charlie Kaufman (Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind are three of my favorite movies, because of course they are), and I really hope the show gets picked up, but remember how insufferable the conversations about “Girls” were? This is going to be 10 times worse. When discussing Kaufman, everyone turns into a Britta-like film major. Expect a lot of, “You see, the subtext of this scene is based on the mind’s conceptualization of oneself and how our tangible expressions are FART NOISE.”

Also, HBO, cast Nicolas Cage as everyone.

The fifth season of “True Blood” premieres Sunday, June 10, and to whet the audience’s appetite HBO has released this short teaser trailer. Actually, “teaser trailer” is a little strong. The clip is basically just 30 seconds of characters from the show crying and wailing and carrying on as though someone sat them down and made them all watch the first 15 minutes of Up. Also, some of the characters cry blood, because apparently the producers of the show buy fake blood in 55-gallon drums and if they don’t use it all by the end of the season it will be dumped into the ocean or something. I dunno. They key here is that everyone is going to be sad a lot this season, I guess.

Meanwhile, I remain firm in my belief that this show could be dramatically improved by adding a sword-wielding Wesley Snipes to the cast and changing the title to “Blade: Louisiana.”

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Mad Men (AMC, Sunday) – On this week’s episode, Sally Draper burns hundreds of ants to death with a magnifying glass while laughing maniacally, then goes inside and drowns a cat in the bathtub. Probably.

Game of Thrones/Veep/Girls (HBO, Sunday) – I don’t watch any of these shows live, but I’ve got to believe — for those who do — the transition in style from “Game of Thrones” to “Veep” to “Girls” is jarring as hell. Like trying to drink coffee right after brushing your teeth.

Neal Brennan: The Half Hour (Comedy Central, Friday) – Neal Brennan, co-creator of “Chappelle’s Show” and all-around funny guy, has his first stand-up special airing tonight at 11:30 p.m. I strongly recommend you watch.

Fairly Legal/Common Law (USA, Friday) – I said this on Twitter (shameless plug), but at some point in the past few months, I became a person who DVRs “Fairly Legal” every Friday night and watches it Saturday morning, even though I am still not caught up on “Breaking Bad.” I’m not exactly sure how I feel about that.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, Saturday) – Season finale, hosted by Mick Jagger. This could be the last episode for Kristen Wiig, Andy Samberg, and Jason Sudeikis, so I imagine we’re looking at a glorified Best Of episode for the three. BRING BACK BLIZZARD MAN.

The Simpsons/Bob’s Burgers/Family Guy (FOX, Sunday) – Season finales, all around. Lady Gaga appears on “The Simpsons,” as discussed here.

Jesse Stone: Benefit of the Doubt (CBS, Sunday) – The latest in the series of CBS’s made-for-TV movies. These actually aren’t bad, for the record. But on a night where it’s up against so much other quality television, not even Tom Selleck’s luxurious mustache can get me to watch.

Sherlock (PBS, Sunday) – I have been furious with my parents ever since I found out that Benedict Cumberbatch was a thing you could name a baby. It makes my name look so boring by comparison. That’s why I’m naming my first son Stegosaurus Jones. No regrets, you know?

The Client List (Lifetime, Sunday) – This is probably the best show about handjobs currently on television.

Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious/Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace (Comedy Central, Sunday) – In addition to Neal Brennan’s special on Friday, Comedy Central is also airing these two specials back-to-back on Sunday night. Ansari’s is the one he released online a few months ago, and Buress’s is brand spanking new. Both dudes are hilarious, so these also come with a very strong recommendation. DVR them. You’ll thank me.

NOTE: I’ll open a SPOILER thread at the bottom of this post’s comments section. Please contain all “upcoming on GoT” talk to there. If you mention something that hasn’t happened on the show yet outside of said thread, you’ll be banned. The only way to be unbanned: giving me all your dragons. No dragons, no dice.

One of the things we discussed last week was how Theon’s completely over his head. The little prick (who OF COURSE punches people in the balls) tried to come off as a big man in front of the proud, Stark-loving residents of Winterfell. But by the end of “The Old Gods and the New,” he let a wilding, mentally handicapped giant, cripple, and four-year-old child (and two direwolves!) escape his grasp. Last night’s episode, “A Man Without Honor,” begins and ends with that story as well, and Theon’s in no better shape. Even he seems puzzled by his own decision to tar Bran and Rickon (assuming those bodies were actually Bran and Rickon’s…) – his jerk face at episode’s end could have been subtitled with, “I’ve made a huge mistake.”

None of the show’s other characters are doing particularly well, either. Jaime (the man without honor) is still chained to a pole covered with his own sh*t, Robb’s falling in love with a girl he can never have, Jon’s penis is in direct opposition to his brain (and that’s before he’s surrounded by the Free Folk), Dany’s looking for dragons and getting no help from either Ducksauce or Pyat (can’t trust a warlock), Arya’s disguise is slowly wearing off to Tywin, and Sansa got her first period, meaning she’s ready to make babies, meaning she’s ready to have Joffrey inside of her, meaning EWWWW. Oh, and Irri, Alton, and 11 of the 13 are dead.

No one’s winning the “Game of Thrones” right now, except for maybe Stannis and his troops, matching ever closer to Lannister territory…

• The first notes I wrote down about the episode were, “Hodor, dicks, not being used,” which is coincidentally the name of my “Game of Thrones” spec script.
• I really want mutton.
• Tywin is the ultimate “character you should hate because they’re evil, but you like them despite yourself because they’re so damn charming, smart, and awesome.” Tyrion kind of fits that description, too. Jaime, as well.
• Speaking of: I was embarrassingly happy to see Jaime again. Near the end of the episode, when Cat enters his cage, I said out loud, “This scene’s going to be awesome.” I was watching it by myself.
• Loved how you could see Lady Brienne (but don’t call her that) watching Cat watching Jaime.
• “Most girls are idiots.” That scene was so good. Dude totally knows, too.
• Hey ladies, would you claw someone’s eyes out to see Jon Snow naked?
• Saying a person’s full name at the end of the sentence makes everything sound so important, Jon Snow.
• There was a lot of mom talk in this episode, especially in King’s Landing – did anyone else have to discuss getting their period with their tyrannical future mother-in-law, or just me?
• To put it bluntly, Robb and Talisa should just f*ck already.
• Can Dany get to the House of the Dying ASAP, please?
• Attractive Women of “Game of Thrones” Power Rankings: #5. Cersei, #4. Daenerys, #3. Shae, #2. Ygritte, #1. Talisa (If anyone says Sansa, you’re banned.)

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“Game of Thrones” is the perfect show for the Internet. It’s based on a mega-popular book beloved by fantasy and non-fantasy nerds alike. It’s bloody (decapitations!), thrilling (sword fights!), sexy (boobs!), and endlessly GIF-able (Joffrey slaps! Dragons!). And millions of people are illegally downloading it every week.

According to numbers from the BitTorrent-tracking and analysis firm Big Champagne [Ed. Note: that’s a great name for an upper-middle class rapper], the second season of “Game of Thrones” has been downloaded more than 25 million times from public torrent trackers since it began in early April, and its piracy hit a new peak following April 30th’s episode, with more than 2.5 million downloads in a day. (Via)

“GoT” was the second most pirated show of 2011, and its season two numbers are consistently higher than last year’s #1, season six of “Dexter” (what?). The reason why so many are watching the show via illegal means isn’t difficult to figure out, either: their only other option is to have an expensive cable package. The new episodes aren’t available on Hulu, Netflix, or iTunes, and you need cable to access HBO Go. So, as one theory goes, why not download when HBO makes access so difficult? It’s not like the show’s ratings or DVD sales are hurting.

I’m not gonna lie: I didn’t have HBO when season one aired, so I downloaded every episode via the Pirate Bay. But right before season two, I added HBO to my cable package, just for “GoT.” Then I’ll keep it for “The Newsroom,” and then “Boardwalk Empire,” and then…damn, they got me. I’m neither for or against torrenting (I’d be a hypocrite to condemn it), but I do wish HBO would make accessibility to their shows easier, so that everyone can enjoy (if not “enjoy”) the beauty that is Margaery not on a tiny laptop, but on a big TV.