HBO released a slew of “Game of Thrones” season two photos yesterday, including brand-new images of returning favorites, like Daenerys, Jon Snow, and Hodor. Hodor? Hodor. But more importantly, there are also peeks of some new characters, too, expanding the “GoT” universe even further to include Onion Knights and prophetic priestesses. Let’s take a look, and of course: NO SPOILERS.

Character: Davos Seaworth

Character: Jon Snow

Add a little makeup, and Jon could fit right into the crowd of a midnight screening of The Crow. Dude loves the Cure.

Character: Theon Greyjoy

If Peter Dinklage was taller, this is what I imagine he’d look like. Theon is the captain of the ship with the best name in the Iron Fleet: Sea Bitch. I’ve also decided that “Pisswater Bend,” which is briefly mentioned in the second book, is where I want to live.

Character: Joffrey Baratheon

Character(s): Bran Stark and Hodor

I hate speaking ill of a Stark, but Bran was probably my least favorite main character in season one. Things should be better in season two, though, because he’ll be hanging out (off?) with Hodor a lot. And Hodor, clueless bastard he may be, is awesome.

Character: Sansa Stark

This is the most Sansa Stark photo ever.

Character: Daenerys Targaryen

This makes me happy, not only because it’s Daenerys, but because I don’t like seeing Emilia Clarke with brown hair. I mean, I do, because I’m not a monster, but the blonde is much better.

Character(s): Melisandre and Stannis Baratheon

I pictured her more crazy looking, not so composed and Cersei-like. Anyone else feel the same?

Character: Renly Baratheon

I want what’s on the wall behind Renly, who looks like a young Nathan Fillion. I’ve been looking for a painting on a dirty cloth depicting men haphazardly throwing arrows into the air. It’s my Lebowski rug.

Character: Arya Stark

Poor actress who plays Arya. She’s so…boy-like here, which is great for the role. Not so much for the everything else. At least Arya kicks major ass; she’s one of the best things about book two.

Character: Cersei Lannister

I hate her. That is all.

Character: Tyrion Lannister

I’m going to keep this vague and free of hyperbole: if the show does right by the end of the second book, it will be THE BEST THING EVER ON TELEVISION. Tyrion’s involved, so already it’s pretty great.

Character: Brienne

Amazing they got Tilda Swinton to do TV. She is a…very handsome woman?

Character: Balon Greyjoy

He’s come a long way since appearing in EuroTrip. There’s also some sick octopus action going on to his right.

Character: Catelyn Stark

It looks like she pulled down her fake beard to her neck. That Catelyn, such a jokester.

Character: Robb Stark

The only good Robb with two b’s out there.

The Hollywood Reporter has a behind-the-scenes clip from the upcoming “Game of Thrones” season one DVD set (available March 6), and it involves the show’s famed horse heart-eating scene. My sun-and-stars Emilia Clarke (Daenerys), who ate said heart, and other members of the “GoT” crew discuss the intricacies of filming such a bloody, chewy spectacle. In great detail, like:

For the scene, in which Clarke wound up eating several pounds of a horse heart made of gummy bears that the actress notes in DVD commentary tasted of bleach, director Dan Minahan told the actress that it was a “make or break moment” for Daenerys, where she’d either be accepted or not by the Dothraki.

Propmaster Gordon Fitzgerald worked with the EPs to find the right mix of material, look, and consistency. “It really needed to provide some visible resistance when she bites into it,” Weiss says. “We settled on the same mature of gelatin gummy bears are made of and it worked wonderfully — right up until the moment Emilia almost threw up.” (Hollywood Reporter)

1) “Game of Thrones” propmaster has to be the greatest job ever (“I need a throne made out of jagged iron and a sword that looks like it could decapitate someone, and I need them now!”); and 2) Any conversation that mentions “horse hearts” and “gummy bears” is automatically awesome. Know what else is awesome? Someone made a drinking game for the show, as seen below. (Note: might be slightly spoiler’y.) “Sansa Stark: do nothing.” Haha, she does nothing a lot.

Can it be April 1 yet?

With only 18 days left to go until Kenny Powers brings the thunder all over again on February 19, HBO has released a full-length trailer for season three of “Eastbound & Down.” We see our first lengthy glimpse of Jason Sudeikis’s character, Shane-Dawg, a catcher on the Myrtle Beach Mermen who becomes fast friends with Kenny, much to Stevie’s chagrin. Elsewhere, jet skis are ridden, beers are shotgunned, child molester jokes are cracked, Confederate Flag boogie boards are surfed upon (and actually exist), samurai swords are drawn, and April’s “two enormous breasts” are looked…at.

This trailer is money, and I can’t wait until February 19. *Co*k thrust*

The Black Keys-sounding song in the trailer isn’t the Black Keys, btw; it’s “You Rascal You” by Hanni El Khatib.

I watched the first episode of HBO’s new horse-racing series “Luck” on Sunday, but it’s still way too early to make a lasting assessment. Some of it was difficult to follow, but in an interesting, compelling way. David Milch has a knack for developing new universes and languages in his series. When it’s littered with profanities, like “Deadwood,” it’s easier to draw connections. On the other hand, I still have no idea what “John from Cincinnati” was about. The language of “Luck” felt just out of reach. With three or four episodes under my belt, I think the connections will all come together, and the series could ultimately rise to the elite section of television dramas, along with “Justified,” “Breaking Bad,” and “Game of Thrones.” It certainly has the cast to at least ensure it gets noticed come Emmy nominations time: Dustin Hoffman, Denis Farina, Richard Kind, Jill Hennessy, Nick Nolte, and the original Johnny Depp knock-off, Jason Gedrick.

I would, however, warn those who are sensitive to animal injuries to beware: I don’t think the series will be kind to horses. That first episode had a doozy of a painful moment. The horse racing sequences, however, are phenomenal.

What we do know now is that — after a solid 3.3 million people watched the pilot — HBO will give the show at least one more season to show us what it’s got. Given the fierce competition in the time slot — it’s up against “The Good Wife,” “Downton Abbey,” “The Walking Dead,” and “Shameless” in quality television’s most crowded time slot — it will need to impress quickly if it wants to keep its audience, even with re-airs throughout the week.

Also, why premiere a Sunday night show the week before the Super Bowl knowing most people will not be watching live the following week? Programmers befuddle me.

(Source: EW)

Drew Peterson: Untouchable (Lifetime, Saturday) – I’ll be honest, I completely forgot this was a thing. Then I saw it in the listings and I went back and watched the video clip of a blonde, mustachioed Rob Lowe saying “I’m untouchable, bitch” another dozen times, and now I’m delighted all over again. That said, there is no chance I watch this movie.

Downton Abbey (PBS, Sunday) – I’m still in the process of getting caught up on this show. As I said on my Tumblr, the first episode of Season 1 is all about the deaths of the heirs to a prestigious British title, and the introduction of the mysterious outsider who is next in line. I liked it better when it was called King Ralph.

The Life and Times of Tim/On Freddie Roach (HBO, Friday) – Pairing a super-indie animated comedy with a reality show about legendary boxing trainer Freddie Roach and his battle with Parkinson’s might be the weirdest scheduling decision I’ve ever seen. Stay bonkers, HBO.

Portlandia/The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret (IFC, Friday) – COMEDY NERDS UNITE!

FOOTBALL (CBS, FOX) – The conference championship games are on Sunday afternoon. What the hell am I supposed to do with my time when football’s over again? Twiddle my thumbs for the whole weekend? BUT THEY’LL GET SO TIRED!

Prime Suspect (NBC, Sunday) – NBC halted production of this show a while back, and now they’re running the last two episodes back-to-back against the NFC Championship game. [tugs collar] YEESH.

Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-off (Food Network, Sunday) – My official stance on this show is as follows: I will not watch it until either The Rock, Ghostface Killah, or Rasheed Wallace are competitors. Once that happens, you could take a wrecking ball to my living room and I’d still stay parked in front of the TV. These are my terms.

A BRIEF REMINDER: If your favorite show is not included in these listings, that does not necessarily mean we forgot about it, or are disrespecting it, or that aliens came down to Earth and vaporized the entire cast and crew with some sort of space laser and it no longer exists. It’s just that there is a ton of stuff on TV, only 5-8 slots in these posts, and, sometimes, making a dumb joke about a stupid reality show outranks mentioning a USA drama or an obscure British program. It’s nothing personal. Please relax.

“Eastbound & Down” returns on February 19, and as part of the run-up to the premiere, HBO has released this teaser trailer. It features pretty much everything you’d expect: Kenny Powers saying ridiculous things in front of children, Kenny Powers in a ridiculous costume, Kenny Powers shotgunning beers, Kenny and Stevie high-fiving, and April (CON BAMBINO!) making the “Dammit, Kenny” face. Basically, it’s everything you love about the show boiled down into a 30 second clip. I love it dearly.

One notable change in this upcoming season (outside of his new baseball team, the Myrtle Beach Mermen) appears to be Kenny’s choice of water-based recreational activity. It looks like he has traded in his jetski for a boogie board emblazoned with a giant Confederate flag. On the scale of The Most Kenny Powers Thing Possible, this is about a 7.

The scale only goes to 5.

HBO released a teaser for its upcoming movie Game Change, based on the best-selling book that chronicled the 2008 election, and it looks interesting I guess but LORD HAVE MERCY I have no interest in turning this into a discussion about politics or which party and/or candidate hated America the most. I’d rather try to eat a frisbee. So, instead, I’ll make these two observations:

- When Julianne Moore first appeared on stage, I thought to myself “Wow, she really looks like Sarah Palin.” But then I realized EVERYBODY looks like Sarah Palin if you pile their hair on top of their head and put some librarian glasses on them. It’s such a signature look at this point that you could probably put DMX in that get-up and people would be like, “Huh. I never realized how much he looked like Palin.” (Just so we’re all clear or this, DMX in a Sarah Palin costume would be the funniest thing ever. It wouldn’t even be close. — AWESOME UPDATE BELOW.)

- Since everyone who’s interested in this stuff already knows most of the details, they should have spiced things up a little. Like, maybe they could have turned McCain into my favorite stock movie character of all time: the gruff police chief. He could call Palin into his office and start yelling about what a live wire she is, and how, DAMMIT, the head of the RNC is gonna have his ass for her reckless shenanigans. Then she’d yell back “I GET RESULTS,” and he’d take her off the case and order her to stay away from Cortez’s warehouse even though Cortez killed her partner and is flooding the streets with tainted dope. Then she’d go undercover and take the whole gang down with only the help of her canine sidekick, Gipper. Also, let’s change her name to something like Mallory Justice or Paige Lawless. Now THAT’S a movie I would watch.

Courtesy of commenter Squabbler, we have confirmation of my DMX as Palin theory. WHAT Y’ALL READERS WANT? UH.

When HBO released the first footage of “Game of Thrones’s” second season, my passion for the series was stoked to the point that I demanded the show start filming seasons back-to-back, Lord of the Rings-style.

With that in mind, BOOSH and/or KAKOW:

We are now hearing from multiple sources that HBO plans to order both seasons three and four and film them back-to-back (à la Lord of the Rings). It has already been confirmed that A Storm of Swords would be covered in more than one season. From what we have heard, much of the film crew in Northern Ireland has been told of this plan and has been advised to expect nine months of filming next year. [Winter is Coming]

So basically, Seasons 3 and 4 of the TV show will cover third book and carry the televised series into 2014. Most outlets are saying that this won’t become official until Season 2 begins in April, but this is still a step in the right direction. I just wish HBO would stop being coy and greenlight as many seasons as it takes to adapt George Martin’s novels. It’s not like violence and tits are going to go out of fashion in the next five years.

Enlightened (HBO) — This is one of the fall season’s solid new shows that I haven’t seen because I’m only one human staying up until 2:00 a.m. every night trying to watch everything on television. Ordinarily, I’d make a guilty overture about how I should try to watch it, but I can finally say with relief that I’ll probably never see this, and I’m okay with that. Same goes for everything on Showtime. SO LONG SUCKERS!

House (Fox) — Fall finale. “Fall finale” is just the network’s way of saying “last new episode until after the holidays and bowl games.”

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (ABC) — Probably my favorite annual Christmas program, slightly ahead of the stop-motion “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” My only quibble: the way Cindy Lou Who ruins the ending.

Bored to Death (HBO) — Season finale. Jason Schwartzman’s character gets killed off, then Ted Danson and Zach Galifianakis get stoned to celebrate how much better the show is without him. Not really, but that’d be sweet.

The Closer (TNT) — Winter premiere. Ahhhh, TNT police procedurals: for TV viewers who find CBS police procedurals too slickly edited.

Rizzoli & Isles (TNT) — Winter premiere. Oh, “LADYCOPS,” I shall miss you the most of all TNT shows about lady cops. (Bill O”Reilly guest stars as himself on tonight’s episode.)

LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kirstie Alley, Damon Wayans Jr, and She & Him on Leno; Regis Philbin on Kimmel; Miranda Kerr on Chelsea; Jason Segel and Das Racist on Conan; and Aisha Tyler on Ferguson. YUUUUUUP.

"Lose ten pounds IMMEDIATELY."

STOP EVERYTHING: it’s the first real look at Season 2 of “Game of Thrones” (video below). This production promo mostly features writers David Benioff and D.B. Weiss discussing the challenges of the new season, but along the way it offers glimpses of new characters — including Stannis, Melisandre, and Margaery Tyrell — as well as Season 1 favorites like Jon Snow, Tyrion Lannister, and Daenerys Targaryen.

That’s the good news. The bad news is that Season 2 doesn’t start until f**king APRIL. Guhhhhh thath’s SO FAR AWAY. Winter is coming, and then it will leave, and only THEN will we get to see the clash of kings. Dammit, can’t they just film everything all at once like they did for Lord of the Rings, and then run all of the episodes in a sixty-hour block one three-day weekend so I can experience it in total while neglecting sleep and hygiene and basic human needs? These adult diapers aren’t just going to soil themselves, you know.