V (ABC) — I said I was going to watch this last week, then I forgot again. I felt kinda bad about not giving this show a chance until Michael from 5 Second Films sent in the screen cap above. Who’s responsible for parking the handicapped guy on some steps without wheelchair access?

Dancing with the Stars (ABC) — Alicia Keys performs on the results show. Freakishly youthful retard Donny Osmond finished last in the judges voting last night, but the Mormons will probably vote as a bloc to keep him from being eliminated from the final four.

The Biggest Loser (NBC) –Tim Gunn shows up to help out with makeovers. We’re gonna need some more vertical stripes over here.

WWII in HD (History) — Night #3. How’s everyone liking this so far? I dig it, but it’s hard for me to make it through two hours of TV when I’m sick. I’ve taken six naps in the last two days, I can’t lie down on the couch without falling asleep within 15 minutes.

Sons of Anarchy (FX) — Dude. Last week’s episode. Show of hands: who cried?

Melrose Place (CW) — This is the episode where Heather Locklear returns as Amanda Woodward. Honestly, industry people have been talking about it for so damn long that I figured it had already happened, but apparently not. Promo below.

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Locklear and Tom Cruise, p.b. (pre-Baio)

The new “Melrose Place” on the CW is so bad that even the teenage retards who watch the CW didn’t watch it, but the show still has hope: it locked down Heather Locklear to reprise her role from the original “Melrose.” Um, yay?

Locklear, 47, will reprise her role as scheming ad vixen Amanda Woodward on the new CW version of the show. She will make her debut appearance Nov. 17.

“We’re ecstatic to have the chance to bring Amanda Woodward back to Melrose Place,” executive producers Todd Slavkin & Darren Swimmer said in a statement. “Heather’s involvement in the show is something we’ve been working on for some time as we couldn’t imagine creating and producing this show without the iconic character’s inclusion.”

Except, uh, you DID create and produce the show without her inclusion. Remember how it debuted last week without her? That was you creating and producing the show without her.

[A] source said the role is a “a great comeback” for the actress, who faced a DUI charged that was later dismissed and sought treatment for anxiety last year. Said the source: “She is in great spirits and good shape. This is a perfect time to show everyone how well she is doing.

You’re doing it all backwards, Heather. You’re supposed to deal with anxiety and drive drunk AFTER you’ve gone through the shame of being on the new “Melrose.”